More reflection

Last night hubby and I were talking about what I hear on The Stepmom's Toolbox Radio Show and we started to talk about my mistakes in all of this. One thing I do fully admit to is my line of thinking. I had actually told hubby that "I have this" meaning I know what to do and how to do things. I thought I was soooo smart. I had my books and articles and everything that I had learned including personal experience and I thought nothing could be thrown at me that I could not handle. Oh boy, was I wrong!!! Yes, I had the information, but the strange thing about people is they don't act like you expect them to. I thought if we told the truth we could combat PAS. I never in a million years thought that the child would actually want to believe the lies and actually want to live in that kind of drama. Silly little me!!! I also figured I could be super stepmom. I could help with homework, get those grades improved, and actually help the child to learn. Another BIG mistake!!! Little did I know that the information TM was providing, things like grades were not important because TM has a learning disability and therefore the child MUST have a learning disability, even though she was tested and found to not have a learning disability, made the child think she could not get good grades and gave her an excuse not to try and an excuse to be lazy. Who would want to work when you had someone in the position of authority backing your inaction? When your own mother tells you that college is not important why would you as a child not listen? I have to admit one of my biggest mistakes  is my whole way of thinking, which makes me thing. :)

The StepMom Stepback

Thank you to Erin for coming up with that phrase. I have to say that last night I listened to Peggy Nolan, Teresa Thompson, and Erin Erickson on blogtalk on a “radio” show called the The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show and I was rocked. One of the ironic things I heard was the fact that each person felt some sort of responsibility to the child over and above what was needed and that the ladies needed to rescue or fix the problems of the family. I had to truly agree with that statement. How many times did I do something because I can “fix” the problem? How many times did I believe that I was the better parent? How many times did I think my thinking was superior? I did it so much that I am ashamed to admit, but being honest with myself and you, I can say that I was the problem. Something I have heard over and over and it’s actually written on my computer. Peggy Nolan’s stepson’s therapist told her that she didn’t break the child; it wasn’t her responsibility to fix the child. Her job was to love her child. The first time I heard that I was taken back. What did the therapist mean? First, I didn’t love this child, how could I love a child that was nothing but disrespectful to me and my thing? How could I love a child that tried everything to get between hubby and me? How can I love someone that wrote hateful things about me on the internet and told people nasty stories about me? I didn’t have the unconditional love for the child, so I did some more reading and research and found out that I didn’t even have to love the child. I could respect the child and be polite, but I needed to allow that love to grow. WOW, just WOW!!!! So I didn’t have to run around and try everything possible to make things happy and wonderful. All I had to do was be the best person I could be. There is lots more to come, but it’s actually time to earn my paycheck. Have a good day everyone.

Sharing info

Hubby has been trying for the past 3 years to get information regarding the child’s doctors and appointments, with no response. So this is what he sent: “I met with the child’s teachers during conferences and I was wondering what the fame plan was in regards to getting her grades up and her homework turned in. You have also not responded regarding the child’s missing school. Please let me know when I can expect a response. It really concerns me when I see the child was out for a personal appointment and missing a French test while she was on Facebook at the time watching Jersey Shore with a friend. Thanks, Dad”

Her response: “I have received your email. I will ask you to allow me to parent in my household as you have asked me. Please respect my wishes as I have for you. I will also ask you to not email me at work, as your emails are not work related. Thank you”

Please note that TM started emailing hubby from work when he would just send things to her home email. She would forward them to work and respond from there or send original emails from work. Hubby started sending the emails to both her home and work email addresses.

His response: “Please send me all the information in regards to section T in the Stipulated General Judgment for Dissolution of Marriage and Parenting Plan.”

He sent this and sent another email with a 2^nd request 4 days later.

Her response: “In regards to section T in the stipulated general judgment for dissolution of marriage and parenting plan – I have shared the information to you multiple times. The only changes is with the retirement of Doctor 1 and I have listed Doctor 2 as her primary doctor at the same clinic.

You have full acess to all information from her school, medical and dental records and I have fully shared that information to you multiple times.

I need you to share information you have not disclosed in section T in the stipulated general judgment for dissolution of marriage and parenting plan. Thank you, Her full name (with his last name.)”

His response: “Please forward the emails in which you have shared this information.

I have only taken the child to the doctors once and I shared that information with you. Thanks Dad”

Here is section T: Access to Information (1) Each party shall ensure that the other has full access to all information available from the child’s school, medical, and dental records, and the parties shall fully share such information. Each party will provide addresses and contact telephone numbers to the other party and will immediately notify the other party of any emergency circumstances or substantial changes in the health of the child. (2) Notwithstanding the award to the Petitioner of custody, Respondent shall retain his statuary parenting rights including, but not necessarily limited to, the following: (a) to inspect and receive school records and to consult with school staff concerning the child’s welfare and education, to the same extent as Petitioner. (b) To inspect and receive governmental agency and law enforcement records concerning the child to the same extent as Petitioner. (c) To consult with any person who may provide care or treatment for the child and to inspect and receive the child’s medical, dental, and psychological records, to the same extent as petitioner. (d) To authorize emergency medical, dental, psychological, psychiatric, or other health care for the child if Petitioner is, for practical purposes, unavailable.

TM had never told hubby about appointments. The one appointment he was informed of was when the child was having stomach issues and the child wanted more medication and I read on the box that is should not be used for longer then 21 days without seeing a doctor, so hubby called the doctor and they stated that no, she should not be taking the medication without being see, hubby pushed and pushed and the doctor actually called back confused because they had an appointment for later in the day. TM was upset when hubby was there, she actually changed the appointment when she found out hubby was going to be there but the doctor’s office called him when the appointment was changed. All she gives us is the child goes to this school, duh. I called the school and got hubby log on information, something she NEVER shared. She also did not list him as the father in the school records so he had to go in and sign a bunch of paperwork so he could get school progress reports. Hubby will just keep pushing back until she gives us the phone numbers and contact information. GRRRRR.

Great Article

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-t-pisarra/the-y-factor-gender-bias-_b_838631.html

All I can say is wow!!! I can soooo relate to this whole thing.

Making hard decisions

So hubby has tried to get information out of TM regarding what is going on with the child's grades and appointments that require her to miss school even though we find out that the child is actually not going to school because she is not ready for tests and TM allows this. So now is the hard decision on what to do. Counselor said that if we pull the child back to our house she will hate us and resent us more, if we do nothing she will more then likely end up failing her classes and go no where with her life, and because of what TM says it will all be dad's fault. So here we are, to the right is a rock and to the left is another rock. So we are going through all the emails and printing them out and making sure we have the time line and trying to get the documentation from others regarding PAS and head back to court. Fun times.

Where I am today

Today I feel thankful for the fact that hubby and I have gotten better at communicating our needs to each other. We went to parent teacher conferences and we were able to learn a lot of things that are going on in the child's life, sadly the teachers have to let us know instead of TM, but if that is what it takes then that is what we will do. Two of her teachers agreed to keep up in the loop with weekly updates on her progress, as she is failing these classes and hubby and I were talking about pulling the child back. At least we are open to talking about it and listening to each other. We started this through counseling and have continued this to regular nights at home. I never though we had a problem with communication, but the fact that a lot of things I didn't say were eating at me it has been a very good thing. I guess sometimes these bad things that happen in our life open us up to good things coming out of it. Learn from life and change what isn't working. Anyway, just want to stay thankful today and love my hubby.

How much influence do steps have?

I have to say that I am a part of an amazing group of stepmoms. I have made some friends that I feel really close with. It's like we have been in battle together and have made friendships from that trama. My question is how much influence do we really have as stepmoms? I feel that I came into the life of the child to late to really influence her and her actions. She knows what she can get away with and not get away with when it comes to my expectations and reactions. I feel I have been very good with consistency. Manners are a must with me, when she doesn't say please of thank you she doesn't get it again. I have a LONG memory and find that I can remember last week when something happened, even if the child and hubby cannot, which they HATE. I can say that friends and co-workers have told me how improved her behavior was according to what they had seen before. Teachers and counselors have told us that she has improved behavior and habits the more she spends time with us. Life at our house is hard, we have expectations and rules and she knows this and she has proven that she can tow the line. The problem is the fact that TM does not make her tow the line at her house and actually lets her out of school when she has a french test, so she can make it up when she is more prepared, and excuses her from school. TM also allows SD to go out late at night, TM works late hours and does not supervise her child, so of course the child wants to be at moms. I don't know. I wish I could say that of course steps have influence, but all I can see from my end is the only influence I have is showing the child how she needs to act differently according to the different situations.