Power Struggles Part I

In a blended family there seems to be such power struggles. Most of the families I know (blended of course) there seems to be a power struggle, either between TM, the kids, or both. Lets go back and look at these power struggles. TM doesn't like the boundries place upon her. Things like not calling after a certain time, not being able to walk in any time she wants, communication through email or text messages (so that there is proof of the conversation), and not having her ex-husband at her beck and call. There are parenting issues, as most blended families that I know have to parellel parent because TM will not co-parent. In our home I can say that TM HATES when DH tells her that we are the parents in our home that even though she tries to parent in our home, we have the final decision ability capibility. Case in point, there was a concert that was on our parenting time and SD was grounded, so no concert. Well TM bought tickets months before, and had she asked when she bought the tickets we would have switched days as SD was not grounded. So, when she asked hubby talked to me, I listened, and he asked what I could live with. I explained that I didn't think it was a good idea, as SD was grounded. He came up with the idea that if SD earned the right to switch days he would be okay with it. I agreed with him, as he has the final say. SD came back after hubby told TM his decision, and informed hubby that TM said that SD should not have to earn the right and it should be given to her. Hubby explained that SD was grounded and if she didn't want to earn the right to switch days then that was fine, it wasn't going to happen. SD though she was going, up until the day, then hubby picked her up and she threw a fit. Hubby explained to her that he gave her two options, earn the right or she didn't go, period. It doesn't matter what TM says she should or should not do, she does not affect what happens in our home. Of course I caught hell for it, as I am the easy target. Another issue is the ability to POP over to our house any old time, as we are not allowed to POP over TM's house we made sure she understood that the same rule applies to her. TM sent a nasty email to hubby because SD wanted to ride by her mom's house one weekend night. SD saw a strange car parked in the driveway and asked her mom about it later. TM then decided to POP on over to hubby's apartment and leave some paperwork for him. She didn't call or let him know what was going on and brought SD with her. We were not there so she left it under the mat. hubby gets a call from SD saying the paperwork was under the mat. hubby asks if she dropped it off or if TM did, TM drove and sent SD to drop it off. Now there are two issues here. One, TM gave SD the paperwork, it was divorce paperwork, that both TM and hubby agreed to keep SD out of so here was proof that TM was allowed SD access to the paperwork. Two, they stopped by the house without letting DH know about it. When Hubby called her on both issues she blew a gasket and tried to turn it around on him. Now TM likes to have control over schooling and doctor's appointments, to the point of not informing hubby of anything. Those are the power struggles we go through with TM. Tomorrow I will talk about the power struggles we go through with SD.

lazy days

I have to say this weekend was pretty good. I got the closet painted in the new guest room and about half the walls trimmed out for painting. All I need to do is the second coat of trim paint and start the actually painting of the walls Hubby really likes the color combinations and the decorating ideas I have (using existing stuff we have). All in all a good weekend. Sunday was spent relaxing and watching movies together. I've had a bit of a headache all day so the relaxing was much needed. We also built a little water tower for hubby's train (N scale) and he's really happy with it. I just wish the weather would change so we could start working on the yard. The good news is the bulbs are starting to pop and I will have tulips (lots and lots of tulips) in a few weeks. I'm really excited. The sad note is I remember last year and what we were doing and I wonder if SD is thinking about the things we use to do together ( like gardening.) I guess it will just take time.

Foundations

In a marriage, a normal everyday marriage before kids, the foundation of the family starts with the couple. The couple gets to know each other, gets married, and then decides to have children. In a world when people think about others and actually communicate and don’t try to trap others, the couple will communicate if they actually want to have kids or not. This is something they decide together. The woman doesn’t decide this for the man. During this communication things like discipline and expectations should be addressed. When kids come along the married couple become parents, but they remain a couple. They are the foundation of the family. The kids grow up and leave the house. This is the parent’s job, to raise the children to leave.

In a blended family there are already children involved. The couple is no longer the foundation of the family and it usually is not a pretty situation. There are usually hurt feelings and unresolved emotional attachments. Divorce is hard enough on a couple without kids (this I know because I am also on my second marriage but without kids). It takes time to get over what happened and to heal from the hurts of what happened in the marriage and the whole divorce proceedings. Then one of the parents gets involved with someone else and a new foundation is created. Now people will argue that the children have to be put first, the poor kids are hurting and don’t know what to do, but it is up to the adults to model a healthy relationship. This means the new couple, the new foundation, HAS to put the marriage first, because if they don’t the foundation will crumble just like it did in the first marriage.

If you want to think about divorce and the causes of divorce, no matter what happened the fact that the couple did not work together to keep the marriage a top priority can be seen as the reason the marriage failed. The man was an abuser; guess what, he didn’t put his marriage first because he beat up his wife. It was his own needs and ideas that were put first. The man was an adultery, same thing, the marriage wasn’t put first, his needs were put first (the same for women adulteress and abusers.) When ever you stop thinking about your partner and start thinking only about yourself or your kids or anything but putting your marriage first you are attacking the foundation of your family.

In my case my ex was an abuser. The divorce was half my fault because I put my own safety and well being before the marriage and he put his need to control me and put me down before the marriage. With hubby, from what I’ve heard and seen they both put their own needs before their marriage and hubby put the child before his wife. Now, we are working on repairing the foundation (our marriage) and it’s not easy and it’s not cheap (emotionally), but anything worth having is worth earning. Just my POV.

How are you?

In the almost 3 years of being in this situation of trying to blend a family I've noticed that more and more people ask how hubby is and how SD is and how their relationship is. Only people that were my friends before the situation and who have seen SD for the person she really is inside would ask how I was doing. It's amazing how I became important when SD made her decision. People are now asking how I am doing. People are asking how I am coping. Hubby laughs at the fact that people are asking him how I am taking things. He has noticed that I am having a harder time with everything then he is, but after I found the little "present" left on the closet wall (I hate stepmom written on the wall), things have gotten easier for me to deal with. But I did not realize just how many people did not ask or seem to care about how I felt before. I've talked to other stepmoms and it seems like we disappear when we marry a man with children. It becomes more about the child and how they feel instead of how everyone else is doing. Funny how things work.

Asking for what you want

Funny thing, Valentine's Day. Hubby and I don't really celebrated Valentine's Day. It's a day just like any other, as we try to show each other that we love each other every day. I did go out with him and get him a few new cars and a hotel for his train set and I ordered dinner and we will have a picnic on our living room floor (since it's raining and we cannot go to the the picnic place where hubby suprised me with a picnic when we were dating.) We do little things, of course it's not uncommon for us to do these kinds of things on a normal day out of the blue. One thing I did voice loudly was I wanted flowers today and I wanted FB status updates from him telling me he loves me. Yes, those things mean a lot to me and I wanted to make sure hubby understood that. I post on his wall but he's not always on FB so I remind him to do the little things. A friend reminded me, men are not mind readers, sometimes they need a kick in the butt and a note or one of us telling them DO THIS PLEASE. I can say this, I did get my FB update. :)

Letting Go Poem

A fellow stepmom posted this a few months back on the forum. I thought it would be a good time to remember it:

"Letting Go"

To let go...doesn't mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
 To let go...is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I can't control another.
 To let go...is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
 To let go...is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
 To let go...is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
 To let go...is not to care for, but to care about.
 To let go...is not to fix, but to be supportive.
 To let go...is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
 To let go...is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcome, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
 To let go...is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
 To let go...is not to deny, but to accept.
 To let go...is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
 To let go...is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish the moment.
 To let go...is not to criticize or regulate anyone, but to try to become whatever dream I can be.
 To let go...is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
 To let go...is to fear less and to love more.

Judgements

Hubby and I have been talking a lot about his decision to not force the child to come back to the house and the "advice" and what we feel are the judgments that go along with what people have said. One thing that really stands out to me is the fact that some people have really personalized our situation. People tell us about when their parents kicked them out or moved them to grandparents or the other parent's house and how that made them feel. People have told us about their kids and the other parent walking out of the kid’s life and how the kids feel and how they feel. I have not heard from the parents that made the decision to not force the child to come into the home, a home where they are welcome and the child rejected the home and the parent and what happened. I can say this, I was the child that was kicked out, I was told I had until 5 that day to get everything I wanted out of the house or it was being thrown away. I was the adult-child that had to find somewhere to live and someone to hold on to my box of things when I went into the military. I had just turned 18 and just graduated from high school. I was the honor student that had a full time job. I was also the teenager that didn't want anything to do with dad's new family and new wife, my sister was cool, but she was an adult, but I still did my chores, was respectful when called for, but I rebelled in my own way and my dad wasn't having any of it. My dad did this when I had two weeks before boot camp. He could have waited two weeks, but things being the way they were and he was protecting his marriage, he had a choice to make. It hurt, I'm not going to sit here and say it didn't. But I got over it and when I became an adult and grew up I learned to listen to his side and take his feelings into consideration. We have healed and now have the best relationship I think a father and daughter can have. I was also the child that was left behind by her mother. My mom took off for parts unknown when I was 6 and my brother was 7. This created problems and drama and I wanted NOTHING to do with her when I was growing up. When I became an adult I reached out to family members that kept in contact with her and asked if I could be put in touch with her. I learned her story and we have healed, and we don't have a mother daughter relationship, but we are friends now. I have healed and I have grown up. I can say that when I was 12 my mom wanted back in my life and my dad gave me the choice, let her in or not, I made the choice to not have anything to do with her. I was hurting and did not need that in my life. She understood and left me alone until I contacted her. IT WAS MY CHOICE. No, I wasn't an adult but I knew what I wanted at 12 and I knew what I needed at 12.  Here is a big difference, my dad NEVER said a bad thing about my mom until I grew up and asked him for his side. My mom told me hers, and yes, she said many many bad things about my dad, so I told him these bad things and asked for his side. As an adult he knew I could deal with it and understand that people see things differently. I got two very different stories and I know the truth is somewhere in the middle.
Here hubby and I are, the child wanting to make the choice of not seeing her dad any more until she's ready. We do run the chance of never seeing her again. We run the risk of never hearing from her again. We run the risk of her perception clouding the truth and her believing that dad walked out on her and that his choice was his new family without her. We run the risk of her mom poisoning her mind against her dad that neither one remembers that we gave her a choice, we did not kick her out, we did not tell her not to come back, dad did not walk out on her. Dad did not make the choice, the child did. We also run the risk of TM poisoning her against me even more, telling her I made him kick her out, I poisoned dad against her, and I made her life hell. Yes, BIG HUGE risks. But in holding her tight we also run the risk of the poison leaking into our home and our marriage. It was already happening. We are also in a situation where the child likes to play the victim. NOTHING is her fault; it is always someone else's fault. So yes, we know that more then likely it will be my fault for all of this, even though I am the one who has the least amount of say in the whole situation, I will be the one to blame. Just like I am the one to blame for the divorce between hubby and TM, I am the one to blame for the child's crappy attitude and crappy grades. I am the one to blame for the child's relationship with others. I am the easy target. I guess it's a really good thing I'm secure in my role and my life and feel if you want to blame me, then fine. I didn't break the relationship and I'm not the one who can fix it. I didn't break the marital relationship; I am not the one to fix it. I didn't break the child and I am not the one responsible for fixing her. I guess that's why I'm okay being the evil wicked stepmom, they are words, not who I am inside.