The Green Eyed Monster

Heather Hetchler is doing a 3 part series on jealousy between a stepmom and stepdaughter. The first part talks about jealousy that the stepmom feels, the second part talks about the jealousy that the stepdaughter feels, and the third part talks about understanding the feelings and trying to understand it. The first part was in StepMom Magazine’s September 2011 issue and the second part was in the October 2011 issue. The third part is not out until next month, so I’ll update after I read it, but the second part was just too much for me to remain silent on.

The first part, from this stepmom’s stand point was pretty on cue.  Feeling like an outsider, I don’t think that is specific for stepmom/stepdaughter relationship, I think that’s pretty much every stepmom out there. Who wouldn’t feel a little tug at the inside joke and history that you were not a part of. How many times did I need to hear, “do you remember when you and mom when to the pet store to get me my dog?” “Do you remember our trip to Disneyland when you and mom…..” “Remember when you and I went shopping for mom’s….” Every day, several times a day, I was reminded that I was not a part of the family and I wasn’t involved in these special times. We started making our own memories, and yet those memories just never lived up to those memories the child had of “mom and dad”. Added to that, whatever plans we had before the child came over went out the window because the child wanted to do something different. I can’t remember how many times I told hubby to just go without me and I would handle our obligations.

The second part on the first series, again from my own standpoint, was very spot on and again, it is not specific to the stepmom/stepdaughter relationship. The good old Disneyland dad turning a blind eye to what is going on in the house is the cause of a whole lot of problems. When the child didn’t do her chores, do her homework, and acted like a terror she was rewarded with dinners out and friends coming over. That was fine with me, except for the tension it caused between hubby and I. I would have to nag hubby because of the mess, he wouldn’t make the child clean it up and he would not clean it up himself until I worked myself into a frenzy and threw everything away.  Until hubby got tired of being treated like an ATM he allowed the behavior. Also, because of how much he was already paying in child support, he couldn’t afford to give the child everything she wanted, just everything he could afford that she wanted, but lucky for me, she abused what he gave her and he stopped buying.

Reading the second part of the series made me want to reach into the pages and shake some sense into these girls. These girls felt pushed aside because dad wanted to spend time with stepmom and it’s not all about her. Some of the girls admitted to doing underhanded things to get stepmom out of the picture. SELFISH! Who cares about what dad wants? The fact that dad gives stepmom power in the home like picking what to eat for dinner and decorating makes the stepmom evil and wicked. No, leave the house exactly how I want is because you are the outsider!!! I will hate and resent you if you don’t. Don’t show stepmom any affection, that’s all for me. I recommend reading the second part of the series because it really opens your eyes to just how nasty these girls are and it starts young.

All Good Things Must Come To An End

After no contact from SD for 2 months all of a sudden hubby gets an email from TM. SD wants to participate in a Foreign Exchange Student Program. They both went to a meeting last week and got information and questions answered about this program, DH was not informed of this meeting and he wasn't invited to attend. All of a sudden they want him to sign off on the program and they give him 24 hours to sign the paperwork. Any questions asked by DH  went unanswered or he was given cryptic responses. The program is for 11 months, August 2012 - June 2013. When he asked about how this would be paid for TM's response was:
"As for the expense if she is selected I will follow the divorce decree and I will not deny her of the oppurtunity."
It has been DH's position that unless SD gets a 3.0 GPA in school he would not pay for any extra activities. TM does know this, we have emails in which DH has told her this, we have a contract that SD signed that says she knows this, understands it, and agrees to it. It's why she didn't get to do Cheerleading two years ago and why she didn't get to go to Hawaii with DH paying for it last year.
This would be a wonderful opportunity for SD and DH and I fully support the ability to travel and see new things and to enrich your life, but not on our dime. Added to that, it's 3K from him in addition to paying $500 a month in child support. Who the hell do you think you're kidding!! In the 11 months SD is gone TM gets $5500 that she doesn't have to spend on food or clothing or school supplies or even medical insurance because the program takes care of all of that. The only thing the program doesn't cover is spending money and the flight to the country she starts off in. That's what the 3K goes to, freaking spending money and application fees and plane tickets. I do think Dh will sign if Tm agrees that he doesn't have to pay any of the costs, if not, then it's on TM. I'm mean hell, she makes $2500 off of the deal.  

A change, well maybe not

Last weekend was the first time the child contacted hubby all on her own. The funny thing, she sent a picture of herself with a snake, "I want this" was her comment. She knows TM would NEVER allow that in her home and hubby is okay with snakes and all kinds of animals. Of course hubby played alone and it seems they had a nice text message conversation. That was Friday to Sunday. This Friday hubby sent a text message asking her a question and there was nothing back. I was kind of nervous that the text messaging was signaling a change, but I guess not. Hubby did not get his hopes up and I am extremely glad for that. This year was the first year in our relationship in which I did not have to share my time with hubby, we were alone for the weekend (except for the text messages) and for the actual day of my birthday, which usually would have been an overnight day with the child. And while I don't agree with the things TM allows the child to do or the things she takes her to do, the fact of the matter is I'm glad they are having fun together and have such a close bond now. Even though it hurts hubby, at least we cannot be blamed for trying to "take away the child."

Wonderings of a not so still mind

I have to say that I really love the technology of today's world. Twitter is a wonderful thing to get into the mind of the young. Father's Day this was posted, "F*ck fathers day! I <3 my mom!" without the * in the middle of the word. A week later, "You don't understand how much I hate your wife! F*ck stepmoms."
Of course I've had nothing to do with the child for 5 months, no phone calls, no text messages, no cards, NOTHING. So it's the great life of being a stepmom and being the scape goat for whatever ails the child. I am so lucky though. Hubby stands by me and loves me and doesn't let any of this crap invade our life. I talked to my dad about all of the crap and he had some insightful things to say. One thing really struck a cord with me. The fact that no matter what, the child blames me for her relationship with her father. The only thing her half teenage brain understands is the fact that EVERYTHING changed when I came into the picture. She doesn't understand that her dad is able to be the father he always wanted to by, meaning teaching her consequences and rewards and respect. When he disciplined the child when he was married TM yelled at him and made him apologize to the child for being mean. What kind of a person does that to their husband? In addition, TM started the child off at a young age seeing dad as an ATM. So I come along and I'm and easy targe to all that ails her and all that makes her unhappy. Dad said that most people that don't know our situation will blame me for the relationship, as I am the evil wicked stepmom, so what chance do I have against a child with only half a working brain because of the teenage horomones?
On a side note, things have not ever been better between hubby and I. He said it is due to the fact that he has really taken a look at things and how he treated me and how he allowed the child to treat me, and the fact that I never took anything out on the child. I was always loving and did what was in the best interest of the child and his relationship. I took the high road, at a personal emotional cost and at a cost to my own health. I can't tell you how much I felt appreciated and loved and heard and seen. I told him that I did that for him and for the child, as I know how much the perception of losing a father to someone else feels. It also has to do with the fact that the child will contact my father and not her own and the crappy birthday and Father's Day cards that he got. The fact that the child did not call on Father's Day or his birthday and does not respond unless she gets something or wants something. It's been a real eye opening couple of months. I can just hope that he doesn't give up completely on the child and that one day they can have a relationship. I can just hope that one day she grows up and sees that everything I did was to support her dad and to be supportive of the relationship between her and her dad.

My husband is sad

My husband is sad, he’s sad he didn’t see SD for his birthday. He’s sad he doesn’t understand her anymore. He got a card for his birthday this weekend, a funny card because he’s the “funny card” type of guy, at least that is how TM and the child see him. He really isn’t the funny card type of guy. Honestly he’s the sweet make you cry type of card guy. So he is 100% surprised that he got the card and then disappointed by what the child wrote in the card and disappointed in the fact that TM and his own daughter don’t know him well enough to know what kind of card to send him. He didn’t get a call or text from the child or a message on FB. NOTHING BUT A CARD. And he is sad. He is sad today because it’s the child’s birthday. He got her a card and we put flowers on her front porch for her to get this morning. He sent her a text this morning, “Happy birthday, check your front porch. Have a great day. I love you.” He didn’t even get a response from her. My husband is sad and I don’t know what to do.

Yesterday I woke hubby up with his special birthday present. We snuggled in bed with the puppies for an hour later. We went for a bike ride, 11 miles, mostly uphill, and I fell. I have clip in shoes that I’ve been wearing for 3 years now. We were stopping and I clipped out, but when I put my foot down my shoe clipped in again and I ate it bad. I popped the gel on my glove and ended up with a nasty bruise on my hand. After that, we showered and got ready to go. We went to 5 different pubs for wings and then desserts at different places. We met with one of hubby’s friends and from 2-9 we celebrated hubby’s birthday. All of that and my husband is sad.

Last night my husband snuggled in bed with me and thanked me for the great day, but he is still sad. He picked fights with me all day because he is sad. He doesn’t know how to process, he actually said the word process, and he doesn’t understand other people’s feelings and how they change reality due to their perspective, even stone cold hard facts. All I know is my heart hurts for him. He is sad, I can’t do anything to take that away or help him with that.

Freaking good day

I have to say that sometimes all it takes for my to be happy is for the sun to shine and for me to feel loved. So last night I was in a snit after starting some work on the backyard. There is an area in our backyard that needs to be dug out and pushed back, on the right side of the house. So I finally found where the cement sidewalk ends, after digging in the dirt and started to clear the area only to rip my gloves and get a nasty cut on my hands from glass in the dirt. Yes, another little "gift" from BIL, broken glass in the yard from his drunken parties. NICE!!! It set me off, nothing like a little spilt blood because of another's laziness to get the blood boiling. Lucky for hubby he was not home. I got to thinking about all the crap I put up with in regards to his sister and brother. I started thinking about how I can change things in my home and in my mind. The easy thing to do, write them off. If SIL wants to run and rescue the little broken duck and step on the healthy people in her life to do it then fine, let her. She feels guilty and visits him every day, while she doesn't have time to call or visit us. Fine. The fact of the matter is we don't need her to approve of what we are doing and we can just live our life. How sad. SIL is so concerned with a 40 year old man that did this to himself and yet doesn't care about her 14 year old niece who, if is allowed to stay on the course she is on might just turn out the same. It did make me strenghten my resolve to keep hubby from backing off of his daughter and to continue to try to make contact. It strenghtened my resolve to keep working with her teachers in the background to see what we can do for her. And I am happy with that decision.

Ex-In-Laws

I am angry today. I am angry because of the obligations hubby has to his ex-in-laws. The same people that cut him out of his life and believed all the lies TM told about him. I am angry with being a scapegoat and hubby being a scapegoat. First I will talk about the anger I have towards my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. When I became involved with hubby he was living in an apartment with SD EOW and every Wednesday and Tuesday for a few hours and every other Wednesday overnight. He had a house that TM and him were fighting over, the house that was left to him and his brother when his mother died. His brother is a waste. The requirement for his brother to live in the house rent free was he was to pay the property taxes and clean up the house, mom was a horder. 2 years after they got the property the house had a lien on it because brother had not paid the property taxes, he blew through 75K, money from his mom's estate, and was another 60K in debt. He had quit his job and was living the high life. Hubby then took out a loan on the house, paid his brother's debts, and did some work on the house. I wasn't around so I just have his side of the story. Brother was suppose to pay rent to hubby each month to pay the loan off, that never happened. Forward another 3 years DH had moved out, rented an apartment (as brother and friends were living in the house) and I got involved with hubby. DH had to refinance the house to get TM's name off the house and loan. DH had to take out 50K from his retirement to pay off lawyers and fix the mess made in the house from the damage BIL and his friends did to the house. BIL had no more money in the house after his debts and the money it took to clean the house. I even helped to get the house cleaned up enough to appraise for half the value of what the house should have appraised for to get TM's name off the house. I can tell you this, if you have ever been in a horder's house you know what kind of a mess I'm talking about. You could not even get into the basement, it was full of crap. There were 4 bedrooms upstairs, each friend and BIL had a room (yes, 4 men living in the house). There was a huge 165 lb. dog and a cat living there, BIL's animals, and no one cleaned. DH could not afford CS, attorney's bills, living, and supporting BIL and his friends in the house so he kicked all the friends out and let BIL still live in the house, BIL had no job and no where to go. DH and I started to clean up the house, the basement was first. We got a huge dumpster in front of our house and filled it twice. We took runs to goodwill with the things that were still usable and spent many weeks on this little project. We found out that since BIL did not clean out the cat litter box the cat was going anywhere it could, mostly in the basement. By the time hubby and I married the basement was clear and we had three bedrooms and  1 1/2 bathrooms cleaned and fixed up, this took about 8 months. It got to the point where the only rooms left were BIL's horded bedroom and the living room areas, where BIL lived, and the kitchen. Everything else had been cleaned up and rehabed to the best of our ability and according to our funds. I was actually still living in my apartment at the time, as hubby wanted to give BIL time to find another place to life. We had started working on the outside of the house and getting things cleaned up. During all this time, about 1 1/2 years I had tried to make sure to help hubby heal his relationship with his family. During Christmas I would make sure he got little things for his brother's dog (his brother's reason for living) and things for his sister. We would go to Thanksgiving dinner (usually with us paying) at a great buffet/brunch place and we would take them out for Christmas Dinner, real healing kind of things. Then, because of altercations between BIL and hubby and SD things got worse. BIL is an alcoholic, he can drink a fifth in one day and pass out and won't rememeber what he did. He would walk into SD's bedroom without knocking and talk his crap, let the huge dog in there and not remember the next day. The final incident was when he got so drunk he started to push hubby around and hubby had to call the police. Then the rule of no alcohol in the house, he could not come home drunk, he could not drink, basically, he could not be in a situation where it would happen again. So BIL started to leave on the weekends, leaving his animals with us to take care of and really going into a hole.
Hubby was tired, I was tired, and he finally got to the point where he told BIL that he was done and he had until the end of the summer to find a place and to get out. Of course, that was all my fault. I was the one that ruined BIL and hubby's relationship. If I never came around then things would be great, etc... No one really cared (except hubby) that I was reaching my financial limit trying to support two households and hubby had to help support two households and things were getting bad. Whatever. So in June of 2010 BIL ended up having a stroke in our home in the bathroom. Hubby found him, called 911 and they got him to the hospital. We found out that BIL had been doing meth since the beginning of the year, as he could not handle the fact that hubby and I had "taken" his home from him and he had nothing to live for but his dog, all my fault according to BIL. SO BIL is in ICU, no medical insurance, no assets, a total waste, but the doctors are doing all they can to save his life. After that hubby and I got to work on cleaning up his living area, and it was the most gut wrenching disgusting thing I ever did. Hauling out couches that were still wet from urine, BIL's urine that he slept in. Garbage and dirty plates and dirt and just disgusting filth. Packing crap up because SIL is so upset that we are throwing away things BIL might want, filling up our storage under the house and a whole deck full of crap. So she starts to take some of the things to her house, so now she has a garage full of BIL's crap, our storage under the house if full of BIL's crap, and we have half a deck full of BIL's crap. SIL even yelled at huby for taking some of the things to see if they were worth anything at a pawn shop even though SIL took some of the things for her own. BIL is at an adult facility because he cannot walk, he cannot fully use his left arm and cannot talk, due to the stroke. 6 months later hubby and I have finished redoing the main bathroom, as it was so filthy no one could even take a shower in the room and there was mold on the walls and the ceiling was falling down, finished cleaning the spaces his brother occupied and I have moved into the house. A few months later we come home to find the gate to our backyard open and the dog is gone. During the time before that we got the dog neutered, licensed, shots, and healthy again, spending about a grand in the process. SIL comes over last week screaming at hubby and I because we didn't tell her that the dog was gone. I had tried calling her but when I tried she was not at her office. Just screaming at us about the fact that we threw things away and took things to goodwill and how dare we not tell her the dog was gone. I figured she knew because she had come over before and said nothing about the dog not being there. Come to find out she had BIL in the car, he didn't want to come in and see this dog that is his only reason for living? So I was fed up. I went off. Basically about how much money we spent on the dog, the food, 40LBS. of dog food a week, getting shots, licenses, etc. and all the crap we cleaned up for the waste of space and all the crap we still have stored. She said that she though we got rid of the dog. Never mind the fact that BIL had friends come and take the dog for play dates earlier, something no one told us about, and no one told us they were not still doing that because I threw a fit about his friends on our property without our knowledge. No, we are the scapegoats because hubby and I truly believe that he had a friend or a friend of a friend come and take the dog, but they both say it didn't happen and we had to have done something like taken the dog out and shoot him. So now SIL is pissed and I am done. I am done being the scapegoat for entitled people. I am done with the fact that no matter what we have done in the past to make things easier or to heal the relationship we are seen in the worse possible way. I am done with all the in-law crap. I told hubby that it is his responsiblity to repair those relationships, if he wants to. I am not doing the work.