Days Like Today

Days like today I realize just how lucky I am. Yesterday hubby sent me flowers. He ordered them during the huge blow up last week with TM and the child and his message was: "Sorry for your loss. Hope you get a better skid next time." I laughed and asked what next time he was talking about and he said next time, meaning next anniversary, I laughted and said next time I get married it will be to a guy with no kids. He laughed and said the next time WE get married it might be to a man with no kids because his kid has disowned him unless she wants something. A huge weight has lifted from my shoulders. He gets it. He knows how badly his own daughter treats him and he gets that I'm treated even worse. Even at my worse, I tried to treat my stepmom better then my dad because it wasn't her fault that he made the decisions he did. It wasn't until she started to do things that it hardened my heart. Even then, I never told her I hated her, I never wrote it on the walls, I never told it to my friends or family. In my heart, I didn't hate her, I didn't understand her. The best part, her own daughter felt about her the same way I felt about her, which made things easier on me.
Back to my story, last night hubby and I were talking while cooking dinner. He was complaining about having to work late two nights in a row. He's been working 9 1/2 hours a day and doesn't have time to take his bike rides. We agreed to start playing the PS3 Move games together to get our work out and spend time together, as the whole working thing was really getting in the way of that. This started me looking at our games and the fact that some of the games we got for the child and they are collecting dust because neither hubby or myself play those games. I asked him what he wanted to do with the games and he really didn't know so I left that alone, but while cooking dinner he said that he was thinking about Christmas and the fact that we are buying our Christmas presents for each other early because there is a party we want to go to in November that is a Pirate theme and we need the outfits and the fact that we are actually able to spend our money on ourselves and not the child. He was happy. I asked what he wanted to do for Christmas, as it looks like nothing will change. He said that unless the child does a 180 and comes to us he will do a $25 gift card to Starbucks and a card, that's it. He was still hurt over her F*ck Father's Day, I love my mom post on Twitter and the fact that she wants nothing to do with him unless she wants something from him.
This really got me thinking. A child that was not raised to act this was is acting this way because there are no consequences to her behavior. I know teenagers are all about themselves and since her mom allows it there is nothing we can do. So I just sat back, supported my hubby, and it made me love him so much more.

A Grown Up Stepdaughter

I was 16 when my dad remarried. I remember having a talk with my dad about what was going to change and what would remain the same. You see my brother and I wanted my dad to wait until we finished high school before he got married. I had a scholarship program that I was in that I couldn't transfer to another school. I spent the summer working on this program and I was in. This meant college would be paid for at a really good school, I just had to finish the program. Added to that, I was on the path to early graduation so I could start college earlier. My senior year was already planned, I would take classes at the college while finishing my high school years and be able to finish college in 3 years. My brother wanted to finish his senior year with the friends he had since 5th grade. He was going to the Navy right after graduation and it was his last year to be a kid. My dad promised, he actually pinky promised me, that we would still attend the same high school and he allowed us to register for all of our classes. The morning before school was suppose to start my brother and I were getting ready and our dad was actually up sitting in his chair. We had to catch the bus to school, about 1 1/2 hours on the bus so it was really early. Dad said he would take us to school. On the way to school he told us that they, he and stepmom, had decided that we would be changing schools. "They" thought that 3 hours on the bus was a long time and that we wouldn't have enough time to do school work. I remember crying harder that day then any day before. My dad had just broken a pinky promise. My brother and I felt betrayed. We had to play the happy family for our stepmom during the wedding and to everyone when they visited and our carrot was staying in our high school. I was so mad at my dad. I didn't care that he talked to my stepmom, in my mind she didn't matter, she was his wife and I had to respect her as his wife, she really wasn't anything to me, even though she pretended to be, I'm sorry, marrying a man does not make you love his children, I know. She didn't get to make this decision. I remember looking at my dad and telling him I wanted nothing to do with him or his "new" family. He broke a pinky promise.

The Green Eyed Monster

Heather Hetchler is doing a 3 part series on jealousy between a stepmom and stepdaughter. The first part talks about jealousy that the stepmom feels, the second part talks about the jealousy that the stepdaughter feels, and the third part talks about understanding the feelings and trying to understand it. The first part was in StepMom Magazine’s September 2011 issue and the second part was in the October 2011 issue. The third part is not out until next month, so I’ll update after I read it, but the second part was just too much for me to remain silent on.

The first part, from this stepmom’s stand point was pretty on cue.  Feeling like an outsider, I don’t think that is specific for stepmom/stepdaughter relationship, I think that’s pretty much every stepmom out there. Who wouldn’t feel a little tug at the inside joke and history that you were not a part of. How many times did I need to hear, “do you remember when you and mom when to the pet store to get me my dog?” “Do you remember our trip to Disneyland when you and mom…..” “Remember when you and I went shopping for mom’s….” Every day, several times a day, I was reminded that I was not a part of the family and I wasn’t involved in these special times. We started making our own memories, and yet those memories just never lived up to those memories the child had of “mom and dad”. Added to that, whatever plans we had before the child came over went out the window because the child wanted to do something different. I can’t remember how many times I told hubby to just go without me and I would handle our obligations.

The second part on the first series, again from my own standpoint, was very spot on and again, it is not specific to the stepmom/stepdaughter relationship. The good old Disneyland dad turning a blind eye to what is going on in the house is the cause of a whole lot of problems. When the child didn’t do her chores, do her homework, and acted like a terror she was rewarded with dinners out and friends coming over. That was fine with me, except for the tension it caused between hubby and I. I would have to nag hubby because of the mess, he wouldn’t make the child clean it up and he would not clean it up himself until I worked myself into a frenzy and threw everything away.  Until hubby got tired of being treated like an ATM he allowed the behavior. Also, because of how much he was already paying in child support, he couldn’t afford to give the child everything she wanted, just everything he could afford that she wanted, but lucky for me, she abused what he gave her and he stopped buying.

Reading the second part of the series made me want to reach into the pages and shake some sense into these girls. These girls felt pushed aside because dad wanted to spend time with stepmom and it’s not all about her. Some of the girls admitted to doing underhanded things to get stepmom out of the picture. SELFISH! Who cares about what dad wants? The fact that dad gives stepmom power in the home like picking what to eat for dinner and decorating makes the stepmom evil and wicked. No, leave the house exactly how I want is because you are the outsider!!! I will hate and resent you if you don’t. Don’t show stepmom any affection, that’s all for me. I recommend reading the second part of the series because it really opens your eyes to just how nasty these girls are and it starts young.

All Good Things Must Come To An End

After no contact from SD for 2 months all of a sudden hubby gets an email from TM. SD wants to participate in a Foreign Exchange Student Program. They both went to a meeting last week and got information and questions answered about this program, DH was not informed of this meeting and he wasn't invited to attend. All of a sudden they want him to sign off on the program and they give him 24 hours to sign the paperwork. Any questions asked by DH  went unanswered or he was given cryptic responses. The program is for 11 months, August 2012 - June 2013. When he asked about how this would be paid for TM's response was:
"As for the expense if she is selected I will follow the divorce decree and I will not deny her of the oppurtunity."
It has been DH's position that unless SD gets a 3.0 GPA in school he would not pay for any extra activities. TM does know this, we have emails in which DH has told her this, we have a contract that SD signed that says she knows this, understands it, and agrees to it. It's why she didn't get to do Cheerleading two years ago and why she didn't get to go to Hawaii with DH paying for it last year.
This would be a wonderful opportunity for SD and DH and I fully support the ability to travel and see new things and to enrich your life, but not on our dime. Added to that, it's 3K from him in addition to paying $500 a month in child support. Who the hell do you think you're kidding!! In the 11 months SD is gone TM gets $5500 that she doesn't have to spend on food or clothing or school supplies or even medical insurance because the program takes care of all of that. The only thing the program doesn't cover is spending money and the flight to the country she starts off in. That's what the 3K goes to, freaking spending money and application fees and plane tickets. I do think Dh will sign if Tm agrees that he doesn't have to pay any of the costs, if not, then it's on TM. I'm mean hell, she makes $2500 off of the deal.  

A change, well maybe not

Last weekend was the first time the child contacted hubby all on her own. The funny thing, she sent a picture of herself with a snake, "I want this" was her comment. She knows TM would NEVER allow that in her home and hubby is okay with snakes and all kinds of animals. Of course hubby played alone and it seems they had a nice text message conversation. That was Friday to Sunday. This Friday hubby sent a text message asking her a question and there was nothing back. I was kind of nervous that the text messaging was signaling a change, but I guess not. Hubby did not get his hopes up and I am extremely glad for that. This year was the first year in our relationship in which I did not have to share my time with hubby, we were alone for the weekend (except for the text messages) and for the actual day of my birthday, which usually would have been an overnight day with the child. And while I don't agree with the things TM allows the child to do or the things she takes her to do, the fact of the matter is I'm glad they are having fun together and have such a close bond now. Even though it hurts hubby, at least we cannot be blamed for trying to "take away the child."

Wonderings of a not so still mind

I have to say that I really love the technology of today's world. Twitter is a wonderful thing to get into the mind of the young. Father's Day this was posted, "F*ck fathers day! I <3 my mom!" without the * in the middle of the word. A week later, "You don't understand how much I hate your wife! F*ck stepmoms."
Of course I've had nothing to do with the child for 5 months, no phone calls, no text messages, no cards, NOTHING. So it's the great life of being a stepmom and being the scape goat for whatever ails the child. I am so lucky though. Hubby stands by me and loves me and doesn't let any of this crap invade our life. I talked to my dad about all of the crap and he had some insightful things to say. One thing really struck a cord with me. The fact that no matter what, the child blames me for her relationship with her father. The only thing her half teenage brain understands is the fact that EVERYTHING changed when I came into the picture. She doesn't understand that her dad is able to be the father he always wanted to by, meaning teaching her consequences and rewards and respect. When he disciplined the child when he was married TM yelled at him and made him apologize to the child for being mean. What kind of a person does that to their husband? In addition, TM started the child off at a young age seeing dad as an ATM. So I come along and I'm and easy targe to all that ails her and all that makes her unhappy. Dad said that most people that don't know our situation will blame me for the relationship, as I am the evil wicked stepmom, so what chance do I have against a child with only half a working brain because of the teenage horomones?
On a side note, things have not ever been better between hubby and I. He said it is due to the fact that he has really taken a look at things and how he treated me and how he allowed the child to treat me, and the fact that I never took anything out on the child. I was always loving and did what was in the best interest of the child and his relationship. I took the high road, at a personal emotional cost and at a cost to my own health. I can't tell you how much I felt appreciated and loved and heard and seen. I told him that I did that for him and for the child, as I know how much the perception of losing a father to someone else feels. It also has to do with the fact that the child will contact my father and not her own and the crappy birthday and Father's Day cards that he got. The fact that the child did not call on Father's Day or his birthday and does not respond unless she gets something or wants something. It's been a real eye opening couple of months. I can just hope that he doesn't give up completely on the child and that one day they can have a relationship. I can just hope that one day she grows up and sees that everything I did was to support her dad and to be supportive of the relationship between her and her dad.

My husband is sad

My husband is sad, he’s sad he didn’t see SD for his birthday. He’s sad he doesn’t understand her anymore. He got a card for his birthday this weekend, a funny card because he’s the “funny card” type of guy, at least that is how TM and the child see him. He really isn’t the funny card type of guy. Honestly he’s the sweet make you cry type of card guy. So he is 100% surprised that he got the card and then disappointed by what the child wrote in the card and disappointed in the fact that TM and his own daughter don’t know him well enough to know what kind of card to send him. He didn’t get a call or text from the child or a message on FB. NOTHING BUT A CARD. And he is sad. He is sad today because it’s the child’s birthday. He got her a card and we put flowers on her front porch for her to get this morning. He sent her a text this morning, “Happy birthday, check your front porch. Have a great day. I love you.” He didn’t even get a response from her. My husband is sad and I don’t know what to do.

Yesterday I woke hubby up with his special birthday present. We snuggled in bed with the puppies for an hour later. We went for a bike ride, 11 miles, mostly uphill, and I fell. I have clip in shoes that I’ve been wearing for 3 years now. We were stopping and I clipped out, but when I put my foot down my shoe clipped in again and I ate it bad. I popped the gel on my glove and ended up with a nasty bruise on my hand. After that, we showered and got ready to go. We went to 5 different pubs for wings and then desserts at different places. We met with one of hubby’s friends and from 2-9 we celebrated hubby’s birthday. All of that and my husband is sad.

Last night my husband snuggled in bed with me and thanked me for the great day, but he is still sad. He picked fights with me all day because he is sad. He doesn’t know how to process, he actually said the word process, and he doesn’t understand other people’s feelings and how they change reality due to their perspective, even stone cold hard facts. All I know is my heart hurts for him. He is sad, I can’t do anything to take that away or help him with that.