When did being a parent change to being a friend?

I’ve been thinking long and hard about this. When did being a dad mean losing your testicles and giving them to your children? When did becoming a mom mean turning in your self worth for what your child thinks of you? In my generation everything was about taking care of your kids and taking care of yourself, working one or two jobs, both parents working, the kids were latch-key kids and they had chores to do to help mom and dad, since mom and dad had to work to support the family. I didn’t have one friend that didn’t have a job when they turned 16. I didn’t have one friend that got a car paid for by their parents or had their insurance paid for by their parents unless the kid was taking his brothers and sisters to school and being transportation for the family. We didn’t yell and scream at our parents for not getting our way; we just found a way to do it. If it meant saving up from a job, that is what we did. No one expected crap from their parents, we basically raised ourselves. Yes, we had expectations from our parents, but we meet those head on. Everything was a challenge to be met, a mountain to climb, an adventure; it was me against the world. My generation made its mistakes and we got into trouble, but all in all, the 80’s and 90’s were a pretty good time to grow up.

Now I look at the same people I grew up with, letting their children run the house hold, they accept yelling and door slamming from their children. They accept their children calling them assholes and bitches. They accept their children laying a guilt trip on them. They don’t hold their kids accountable for their actions. They don’t have expectations for their children. This generation gives prizes for a child that just shows up to compete and is in last place. We are now raising a generation (the y-generation, as in why not me) to expect to be given everything in life and to expect not to have to work for what you want. They cry, they complain, they have no idea what the world is really like. Some of them have made it to the workplace where I work. They want to know why they are expected to work. They want to know why, it the job requires overtime, they have to stay and finish a job. They want to know why they aren’t being paid more, and they want to know, when the boss finally gets tired of them, why they are fired. We have had to update polices to include no personal text messaging on company time because this generation doesn’t understand it is not proper business etiquette. We have to explain to the new employees that jeans are not part of business causal attire. I’ve had to explain that you do not answer a phone with, “Yeah, what.” All I can say is wow; I want my mommy and daddy. J

My how times have changed

This weekend I started to think about the things going on in my home and I started to wonder when things had changed so very much. You see, I am a child of divorce, just like my step daughter. My dad married again when I was about 7 and divorced again when I was about 9, moving my brother and I to a whole different neigherhood and to a different school. Things were hard on me, as a child, because I had no friends at this school and I am a very interverted person, so my shyness was mistaken for being a snob and I had a HARD time making friends, to the point I got chased home from school by bullies until I learned to fight, then I was in a fight every week for a few months until I proved myself. Then I became the tough girl, no one and nothing could hurt me. I just didn't care, I tried to make friends (and I made a few VERY close friends) but if you weren't a part of my life then I didn't care that you existed. I didn't care what people thought, except for my few close friends, so I did my own thing. The difference was at home, I was a totally different person at home, I wasn't tough, I didn't talk back, I was the "perfect" child. I did my homework (graduated with a 3.82 GPA) I did all my chores and I did them right the first time, thanks to dad not being soft on me at all, if it wasn't right I would continue to do it until I got it right. By the age of 12 my brother and I were doing laundry for the family, cooking dinner, and cleaning the house, while maintaining a high GPA and getting academic awards left and right, my brother got way more awards then I did, he is and will always be a brain. :) I never thought my dad didn't love me because he was strict or gave me chores to earn money to buy what I wanted. You see, my dad was fair, yes, we cleaned and cooked and did everything to make the house run, and for that we recieved $20 a month (not a lot by today's standards but to us it was a whole lot of money). $20 a month to help make my dad's life easier and to make it so when he came home he didn't have to do it and we can go have fun. My dad played softball on Thursdays and that was our night out to have fun, dad didn't make us pay for the games we played or the things we did that night, it was an added bonus and his way of thanking us for our hard work. I NEVER yelled at my dad or slammed doors. I never tired to make him feel guilty for our lot in life or for the fact that he got divorced. My dad wouldn't have put up with it if I did. When he remarried when I was 16 things changed again, but that's a different posting.
So the child is 14 and doesn't believe she has to do a damn thing in the house, including treating others with respect. She demands that we respect her, but she won't give it back. When I look at the things she gets to get away with and how my life was I wonder, when did raising kids become kids telling the adults what to do?

My Own Crap

Today I've been thinking a lot about my own crap. Last night, after I got home, I started looking around and figuring out square footage of rooms and other stuff. I was working myself into a state. When hubby came home I pounced, man did I pounce. He finally said STOP!!! Let me relax for 5 minutes before you start dumping on me. Me, big eyes and wow, just wow. I said I was sorry, he was right, I needed to let him come home and get changed and relax before I started throwing ideas at him. So I went and sat down and practically bounced, waiting for him to say okay, I can deal with this now. I went over the reasons why the child has the master suite (master suite because it has it's own full bath while our has a half bath). His reasoning, because she always has had that room. His reasoning was he didn't want her to have to share with two men (Brother in law and hubby), and the floor needs to be reinforced in order to take the weight of his bed. Okay, so I asked what was his plan when we reinforced the floor. His plan was always let her have the room. Why I asked. Because she has always had that room. I told him that we shouldn't try to improve her behavior because she's always been a rude bitch. He didn't like that so we went back and forth. He said I wasn't being logical and I said neither was he, just because something has been done a certain way or a person has been in a room for almost two years (yes, that is her ALWAYS having that room) that doesn't mean things can't change. I told him that she has been a bitch to me for 3 years so should I just accept she is a bitch to me? Anyway, he finally saw the light and told me that he actually knew the room was better for us (it has a bigger closet and my clothes are currently hanging in another room) and the fact is since the child is with us 6 days a month it is to much for a child. Here's where my own crap comes in. I had to share a bathroom my whole life with other people, and as the adult and the one paying the freaking bills, if anyone gets their own bathroom it should be the adults. Yes, my own jealousy over the fact that I am the adult and I have to share while the child in the house, and not a respectful responsible child, gets to have a bathroom she shares with no one and a shower my husband bought because he loves the shower, but he doesn't get to use it. I'm sorry, NO CHILD WILL RULE MY HOUSE. So hopefully hubby sticks to his guns and actually tells the child that the room is off limits and we will reinforce it and move into the room. And if we don't that's okay, at least hubby can use the shower he paid for and use that bathroom and I don't have to share. :)

Grow some balls and be a parent

Yes, you read that right, that is what my father said last night to me regarding some of the issues we are having at home to tell hubby. Now, I wasn't let off easy either. I will post most of our conversation, I'm still processing some of it, but it helped to hear these things from a parent that raised two teenage girls, and one was a stepdaughter with a wife much like my husband.
So I call my dad to tell him about the conversation hubby and I had with the child and I got an ear full. First he tells me that rude behavior is stopped by ending the conversation or ignoring the child. Yes, that's right, say no and if you continue to whine and cry the answer to the next thing you want will be no. We can have a conversation, but the conversation will be what you will do to earn what you want, not why I am unfair or why I won't give you what you want. Yes, I remember those conversations with my dad, and he NEVER backed down if I was rude or crying. Dad said tell her to go to her room and not to come out until she can be civil and respectful, end of story. So I asked about what to do to stop the rudeness when my husband doesn't say anything or do anything. He told me it was my responsibility to my husband and to the child to tell her to knock it off. Step in and be an adult. WOW!!! He said that if hubby didn't back me 100% with a yeah, don't talk to me like that, then I get to tell hubby to shut up and don't complain that your child is disrespectful to you. Basically, everything that the books and websites tell you not to do my dad said is the only way a step parent can combat such an extreme case like I have in my home. Dad also said that if she doesn't want to come over then she doesn't need to come over, it's not that much of a loss. Oh, and my dad does adore the child and treats her just like he treats his bio-grandchild. Daddy also asked what I was afraid of, the child already hates me and I've done everything "right" so what do I have to lose. She doesn't come over, so what. Hubby gets upset because I'm to hard on his child, so what, I've been easy and see where that gets me. The child hates me, so what, she already hates me. Basically, I have nothing to lose. If hubby wants to get divorced then that's his issue. Basically, hubby needs to grow some balls and be a parent. He needs to get over his guilt from the divorce or go ahead and divorce me and go back to TM.
My dad had a bad year health wise last year and almost lost his life. It was touch and go for a few days, during which I was a total mess. He is done with the playing games and crap, now he tells it how it is, and if you don't like it then don't ask and don't complain. I have to say...I love my daddy.

The Calm After The Storm

So last night was the first time Sd has been over for a week (YEAH!!). Hubby wanted to go to Costco, I wanted to wait because I hate hate hate shopping with the child. Usually she reverts to a 5 year old, sitting in the cart, wanting this and wanting that, saying well mom bought me this and that and you need to buy this for me because I need it. So I was already on edge when we were driving to pick her up. Hubby made a good point and honestly our week nights are booked, so I put on my big girl panties and agreed. We get to TM's house and hubby calls the child to tell her we are there, we wait 10 minutes and she finally arrives. She gets into the truck, no word to me or hubby, but she is all over the dogs. Now, hubby and I have an agreement, if she acts like that and it's an overnight she still comes over (to the dungeon) but if she acts like that and it's a 2 1/2 hour visit she stays at her mom's house. I looked over at hubby and he just rolls his eyes and smiles. So shopping was a joy, I'm not being sarcastic. DH didn't let the child interupt our conversations and he didn't let her go on about what her mom buys. He said things like, that's nice, good for your mom, I don't want that in my house or he just plain ignored her. She got a little huffy but he stuck to his guns. I was walking tall next to him, really proud. So we get to the truck and start unloading, the child just jumps in and hubby tells her to get her butt out of the truck and start helping. WOW!! Of course she does as she is asked, she knows when it's allowed to act up and when it's not.
So we get home and she almost runs to her room, she's going to take a shower. 20 minutes later I turn the hot water off and I let hubby know I did this, she's already done with her shower (shoot!!) but stays in her room for another 40 minutes. Hubby and I are eating dinner and talking (whispering really). It got to the point where I told him that if we don't have the talk that I was done. He would not be allowed to complain about her attitude or her actions to me any longer. If he didn't want to take her to task for her rudeness and bringing me into their conversations, like she's on equal footing as I am, then I was done being a sounding board. Basically, put up or shut up. He said he was just waiting to have the talk.
We get done with dinner and hubby knocks on her door, "what!" "Come out, we need to talk." "What!" Finally she comes out and hubby starts in with her about her rudeness in her text messages in which she responded that she didn't think she was rude at all. I wanted to get my part done, so I walk into the room and said, "hold on, first let's talk about you involving me in this situation." I asked if she thinks we are on the same level, she said no, I asked if she thinks I need to ask hubby for permission to do things, she said no, I asked if she thinks she's an adult, she said no, I asked if she thinks I'm the child, she said no, I said who is he, pointing to hubby, she said my dad, I asked who else is he, blank face, I said, my husband, he is not my father, I have a father and I don't even have to ask my father if I can do things, that is the joy of being an adult. I asked who she thinks pay for my things and my fun, blank face, hubby said that I pay for my things and I play for my fun. I said that I'm the one who works for what I want, no one just gives me what I want, I am not a child. We got alot of "'okay" in that snarky teenage tone (anyone with teenagers or anyone who has been around rude teenagers knows the tone). Hubby said what do you need to say to stepmom, blank face, he said, how about I'm sorry for involving you in this, she said, fine sorry (rolling eyes and snarky tone). Here is where I turned into my father. "That tone of voice and eye rolling is not acceptable in this house" hubby started in with the tone and I noticed that she is getting ready to cry, I asked, do you even care? She said no, here is where hubby had it, he said, "fine, go to your room and this is the last night you will have that room, you are being moved!" The child said she didn't care.
Hubs and I went on to watch a movie and have a nice night, or as nice at it could be. I'm sorry, but I couldn't stop smerking and had to stop myself from laughing and smiling.
This morning on my way to take her to school, which we left 15 minutes early so I could get to work on time, I told her that if she would work on getting good grades and not being disrespectful she could have the things she wants within reason. I told her that life is hard and the only reason her mom, her dad, and I get to do the things we want to do is because we work for it. Life is full of choices and consequences of those choices and now she gets to live with the consequences of her actions. That she has a decision to make, either keep up her actions and attitude and continue on this path or make a change, no one could make her, but we can make it harder on her to continue on that path. I said that the next time she is at our house she needs to leave the attitude at home and she needs to fake it until she makes it if she even wants a chance to earn her room back. She actually said thank you when I dropped her off. Hubby said that she knows what is best for her and being rude to me would not work to her advantage. Yes, she is a smart kid and knows how to work people. All in all, I'm pretty proud and happy with how things went. Now to wait and see if it continues. We don't have the child this weekend, hubby traded with TM because her aunt is in town this weekend. So 3 weekends with no child and then 3 weekends with. I hope hubby is on board with moving SD's crap this weekend. :)
I can say thing about everything, I was okay if hubby didn't want to talk about the text messages or rudeness to him, but I was not okay with lettting the child get away with bring me into the situation or with her thinking we were on the same level. When we were shopping she was talking to her mom, and the tone made me want to slap her, like she's the adult telling her mom what to do, but I just shut my trap and tried to ignore it. If her mom allows her to talk to her that way that's her mom's problem, but the child WILL NOT talk to me like that! The child also knows that if she doesn't say thank you I won't do things anymore, had she not said thank you this morning she knows for a fact that would be the very last time I drove her to school, agreement or not, it is up to her mom and dad to get her to school unless she appreciates the extra I do. All in all I'm really happy with my life today.

So I was Thinking

So hubby and I had a talk last night about the fact that I'm his mom when it comes to parenting. He did see my point and agreed. So now what? From what he said he feels that I am the one he goes to for help in the parenting arena, he wants to bounce ideas off of me and see what I think. He believes that I have a different side, as we were raised VERY differently, and I am a stepchild myself. He was so use to counting on TM to be a parent (there is a whole back story on this but since it is their story I don't feel right telling it from an outsiders point of view) that he never thought of things like safety or what the impact of the decision would make on the child's future. So now, here I am, someone that leans on her parents for advice because they have raised teenagers, and I take that advice. Yes, I call my stepmom for advice and I listen to her!!! So the fact of the matter is I'm okay with him bouncing thing off of me, he is right, I do have different thoughts and ideas. I was also raised very strict and I turned out just fine. I'm not like most kids, I think my dad may have been a little to strict, but I understand that it was for my own good. I am the person I am to day because I've had to work for things, I've had to earn my way, and I'm happy that I'm where I am today because of MY choices, the good and the bad. I feel that my dad didn't make the best choices where I was concerned, but the world doesn't revolve around me (I guess it takes growing up to figure that out) and as a teenager I feel that I knew the world didn't revolve around me, but I had my own little world that I could affect. Talking to my dad, he agrees that I was a moody know it all teenager and those years were hard, but I NEVER disrespected him or other adults. His word was the law and I spent most of my time finding the loop holes in his arguments. Yes this is what he said, but he didn't say I couldn't do this so this is what I'm doing. When I got caught braking the rules I knew I broke the rules and dealt with the consequences. I didn't blame my dad for me breaking the rules. This is something that drives me crazy. The child, when she is caught breaking the rules blames hubby or I for MAKING her break the rules. When she got caught sneaking out and not coming home until 4 in the morning she blamed her dad for it, saying he said it was okay. He didn't say it was okay and then it turned to well TM knows she sneaks out all the time and TM just gets over it. Yes, TM doesn't care if you sneak out because she is usually out with her boyfriend, according to the child, so she never knows if you are home or not. Yes, that is the kind of parent you want now, as a teenager, but when something happens you will be happy you had structure and boundries at our home. I can say that I've never met a single person that was happy that their parents allowed them freedom and allowed them to get into trouble and bailed them out. Most of the children I meet that had permissive parents tell me that they wished their parents were more strict, then they would know their parents cared and loved them. Most adults, when they were the kids who got into trouble and their parents just got over it, feel that their parents just didn't care if they lived or died and they don't have the relationship I have with my dad now.
Anyways, I guess the point of this was the fact that I've been thinking of what to do. I don't want to be "mom" to my husband when it comes to the parenting of the child, but I don't mind him bouncing things off of me. I really don't like the fact that he doesn't think of the things that I think of, like safety and the future consequences of certain actions, until I bring these things up. I guess I have a hard time knowing the consequences of the parenting that TM and hubby are doing could ruin the child's life. How can I be a good person and let that happen? My own ethical code and morals tell me to step in, don't let it happen. But then the other side is the fact that she is not my child and I'm not ultimatly responsible for her parent's actions. I would step in and tell a friend they were crazy for thinking of allowing their child to do something and I step in when I see hubby doing it. If I would do it for a friend I do it for my husband. I have a friend that has children with a man that lives by me and when I'm visiting her I sometimes take the kids to their dad's house, to save her the gas and time. I don't have to do it, but I do it because she is my friend and she appreciates me, and it gives me extra time with the kids, who I adore (even though we are not related I am still auntie). I do more for those kids then I do for my stepchild, mostly because of the appreciation, love, and respect I get back, but it makes it hard to know where to draw the line in the step family relationship. So tonight I am having a talk with the child about her respect towards me and what is acceptable and not acceptable in the family home. In addition, hubby will have a seperate talk about the whole Hawaii thing. I plan on recording my talk so I can go through it and make sure I have all my points that I want to address and I'm going grocery shopping during hubby's talk. Oh well, if she hates me then that's fine, I'm already hated by her. :)

Am I really Mommy?

Man, I had the best weekend with the girls!!! I have to say, if you are ever able to get away for a girls weekend, run, don't walk, to the nearest computer to book your trip. We are already trying to get together soon again. I didn't miss being a stepmom or wife one bit. One thing that the gals did talk to me about is the fact that it seems that my relationship with hubby is more of I'm his mommy type of relationship. Like he has mommy issues and I'm filling her shoes. Hubby's mom has passed away, about 7 years ago, and she was the ultimate mom from what sister-in-law says and from the pictures I see. She took care of everything and the kids could always count on her. I do a lot, from laundry, to cooking, grocery shopping, everything to make things run smoothly here. I don't mind doing it for hubby, as he does things for me, but it seems like he counts on me to call him out when things are not going well with his daughter. One friend told me that she has two parents and neither one acts like a parent and the only person that acts like a parent is me, the non-parent. I told that to hubby and he laughed and said that without me he would be a shitty parent. He can't tell his daughter no. Me, I have no problem telling people no, especially now. So now I'm looking at our relationship and thinking about the fact that I may be letting him off the parenting hook by doing things for him. It really is a work in progress. Oh, and my dad did say I'm a bit of a mother, with him and my brother, ever since I was a little girl. Talk about cruelties of fate, a mommy born but never a real mommy to be. So, for my own sanity I get to watch and wait a little to see how not to be mom and how to be me. WOW!!! Who ever thought all this would come out when I joined a step family?
Stay tuned for tomorrow's update, when the child comes home for the night and has to face the consequences of her actions this last week. Should be a good one. Night all and have a wonderful evening.