Wonderings of a not so still mind

I have to say that I really love the technology of today's world. Twitter is a wonderful thing to get into the mind of the young. Father's Day this was posted, "F*ck fathers day! I <3 my mom!" without the * in the middle of the word. A week later, "You don't understand how much I hate your wife! F*ck stepmoms."
Of course I've had nothing to do with the child for 5 months, no phone calls, no text messages, no cards, NOTHING. So it's the great life of being a stepmom and being the scape goat for whatever ails the child. I am so lucky though. Hubby stands by me and loves me and doesn't let any of this crap invade our life. I talked to my dad about all of the crap and he had some insightful things to say. One thing really struck a cord with me. The fact that no matter what, the child blames me for her relationship with her father. The only thing her half teenage brain understands is the fact that EVERYTHING changed when I came into the picture. She doesn't understand that her dad is able to be the father he always wanted to by, meaning teaching her consequences and rewards and respect. When he disciplined the child when he was married TM yelled at him and made him apologize to the child for being mean. What kind of a person does that to their husband? In addition, TM started the child off at a young age seeing dad as an ATM. So I come along and I'm and easy targe to all that ails her and all that makes her unhappy. Dad said that most people that don't know our situation will blame me for the relationship, as I am the evil wicked stepmom, so what chance do I have against a child with only half a working brain because of the teenage horomones?
On a side note, things have not ever been better between hubby and I. He said it is due to the fact that he has really taken a look at things and how he treated me and how he allowed the child to treat me, and the fact that I never took anything out on the child. I was always loving and did what was in the best interest of the child and his relationship. I took the high road, at a personal emotional cost and at a cost to my own health. I can't tell you how much I felt appreciated and loved and heard and seen. I told him that I did that for him and for the child, as I know how much the perception of losing a father to someone else feels. It also has to do with the fact that the child will contact my father and not her own and the crappy birthday and Father's Day cards that he got. The fact that the child did not call on Father's Day or his birthday and does not respond unless she gets something or wants something. It's been a real eye opening couple of months. I can just hope that he doesn't give up completely on the child and that one day they can have a relationship. I can just hope that one day she grows up and sees that everything I did was to support her dad and to be supportive of the relationship between her and her dad.

My husband is sad

My husband is sad, he’s sad he didn’t see SD for his birthday. He’s sad he doesn’t understand her anymore. He got a card for his birthday this weekend, a funny card because he’s the “funny card” type of guy, at least that is how TM and the child see him. He really isn’t the funny card type of guy. Honestly he’s the sweet make you cry type of card guy. So he is 100% surprised that he got the card and then disappointed by what the child wrote in the card and disappointed in the fact that TM and his own daughter don’t know him well enough to know what kind of card to send him. He didn’t get a call or text from the child or a message on FB. NOTHING BUT A CARD. And he is sad. He is sad today because it’s the child’s birthday. He got her a card and we put flowers on her front porch for her to get this morning. He sent her a text this morning, “Happy birthday, check your front porch. Have a great day. I love you.” He didn’t even get a response from her. My husband is sad and I don’t know what to do.

Yesterday I woke hubby up with his special birthday present. We snuggled in bed with the puppies for an hour later. We went for a bike ride, 11 miles, mostly uphill, and I fell. I have clip in shoes that I’ve been wearing for 3 years now. We were stopping and I clipped out, but when I put my foot down my shoe clipped in again and I ate it bad. I popped the gel on my glove and ended up with a nasty bruise on my hand. After that, we showered and got ready to go. We went to 5 different pubs for wings and then desserts at different places. We met with one of hubby’s friends and from 2-9 we celebrated hubby’s birthday. All of that and my husband is sad.

Last night my husband snuggled in bed with me and thanked me for the great day, but he is still sad. He picked fights with me all day because he is sad. He doesn’t know how to process, he actually said the word process, and he doesn’t understand other people’s feelings and how they change reality due to their perspective, even stone cold hard facts. All I know is my heart hurts for him. He is sad, I can’t do anything to take that away or help him with that.

Freaking good day

I have to say that sometimes all it takes for my to be happy is for the sun to shine and for me to feel loved. So last night I was in a snit after starting some work on the backyard. There is an area in our backyard that needs to be dug out and pushed back, on the right side of the house. So I finally found where the cement sidewalk ends, after digging in the dirt and started to clear the area only to rip my gloves and get a nasty cut on my hands from glass in the dirt. Yes, another little "gift" from BIL, broken glass in the yard from his drunken parties. NICE!!! It set me off, nothing like a little spilt blood because of another's laziness to get the blood boiling. Lucky for hubby he was not home. I got to thinking about all the crap I put up with in regards to his sister and brother. I started thinking about how I can change things in my home and in my mind. The easy thing to do, write them off. If SIL wants to run and rescue the little broken duck and step on the healthy people in her life to do it then fine, let her. She feels guilty and visits him every day, while she doesn't have time to call or visit us. Fine. The fact of the matter is we don't need her to approve of what we are doing and we can just live our life. How sad. SIL is so concerned with a 40 year old man that did this to himself and yet doesn't care about her 14 year old niece who, if is allowed to stay on the course she is on might just turn out the same. It did make me strenghten my resolve to keep hubby from backing off of his daughter and to continue to try to make contact. It strenghtened my resolve to keep working with her teachers in the background to see what we can do for her. And I am happy with that decision.

Ex-In-Laws

I am angry today. I am angry because of the obligations hubby has to his ex-in-laws. The same people that cut him out of his life and believed all the lies TM told about him. I am angry with being a scapegoat and hubby being a scapegoat. First I will talk about the anger I have towards my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. When I became involved with hubby he was living in an apartment with SD EOW and every Wednesday and Tuesday for a few hours and every other Wednesday overnight. He had a house that TM and him were fighting over, the house that was left to him and his brother when his mother died. His brother is a waste. The requirement for his brother to live in the house rent free was he was to pay the property taxes and clean up the house, mom was a horder. 2 years after they got the property the house had a lien on it because brother had not paid the property taxes, he blew through 75K, money from his mom's estate, and was another 60K in debt. He had quit his job and was living the high life. Hubby then took out a loan on the house, paid his brother's debts, and did some work on the house. I wasn't around so I just have his side of the story. Brother was suppose to pay rent to hubby each month to pay the loan off, that never happened. Forward another 3 years DH had moved out, rented an apartment (as brother and friends were living in the house) and I got involved with hubby. DH had to refinance the house to get TM's name off the house and loan. DH had to take out 50K from his retirement to pay off lawyers and fix the mess made in the house from the damage BIL and his friends did to the house. BIL had no more money in the house after his debts and the money it took to clean the house. I even helped to get the house cleaned up enough to appraise for half the value of what the house should have appraised for to get TM's name off the house. I can tell you this, if you have ever been in a horder's house you know what kind of a mess I'm talking about. You could not even get into the basement, it was full of crap. There were 4 bedrooms upstairs, each friend and BIL had a room (yes, 4 men living in the house). There was a huge 165 lb. dog and a cat living there, BIL's animals, and no one cleaned. DH could not afford CS, attorney's bills, living, and supporting BIL and his friends in the house so he kicked all the friends out and let BIL still live in the house, BIL had no job and no where to go. DH and I started to clean up the house, the basement was first. We got a huge dumpster in front of our house and filled it twice. We took runs to goodwill with the things that were still usable and spent many weeks on this little project. We found out that since BIL did not clean out the cat litter box the cat was going anywhere it could, mostly in the basement. By the time hubby and I married the basement was clear and we had three bedrooms and  1 1/2 bathrooms cleaned and fixed up, this took about 8 months. It got to the point where the only rooms left were BIL's horded bedroom and the living room areas, where BIL lived, and the kitchen. Everything else had been cleaned up and rehabed to the best of our ability and according to our funds. I was actually still living in my apartment at the time, as hubby wanted to give BIL time to find another place to life. We had started working on the outside of the house and getting things cleaned up. During all this time, about 1 1/2 years I had tried to make sure to help hubby heal his relationship with his family. During Christmas I would make sure he got little things for his brother's dog (his brother's reason for living) and things for his sister. We would go to Thanksgiving dinner (usually with us paying) at a great buffet/brunch place and we would take them out for Christmas Dinner, real healing kind of things. Then, because of altercations between BIL and hubby and SD things got worse. BIL is an alcoholic, he can drink a fifth in one day and pass out and won't rememeber what he did. He would walk into SD's bedroom without knocking and talk his crap, let the huge dog in there and not remember the next day. The final incident was when he got so drunk he started to push hubby around and hubby had to call the police. Then the rule of no alcohol in the house, he could not come home drunk, he could not drink, basically, he could not be in a situation where it would happen again. So BIL started to leave on the weekends, leaving his animals with us to take care of and really going into a hole.
Hubby was tired, I was tired, and he finally got to the point where he told BIL that he was done and he had until the end of the summer to find a place and to get out. Of course, that was all my fault. I was the one that ruined BIL and hubby's relationship. If I never came around then things would be great, etc... No one really cared (except hubby) that I was reaching my financial limit trying to support two households and hubby had to help support two households and things were getting bad. Whatever. So in June of 2010 BIL ended up having a stroke in our home in the bathroom. Hubby found him, called 911 and they got him to the hospital. We found out that BIL had been doing meth since the beginning of the year, as he could not handle the fact that hubby and I had "taken" his home from him and he had nothing to live for but his dog, all my fault according to BIL. SO BIL is in ICU, no medical insurance, no assets, a total waste, but the doctors are doing all they can to save his life. After that hubby and I got to work on cleaning up his living area, and it was the most gut wrenching disgusting thing I ever did. Hauling out couches that were still wet from urine, BIL's urine that he slept in. Garbage and dirty plates and dirt and just disgusting filth. Packing crap up because SIL is so upset that we are throwing away things BIL might want, filling up our storage under the house and a whole deck full of crap. So she starts to take some of the things to her house, so now she has a garage full of BIL's crap, our storage under the house if full of BIL's crap, and we have half a deck full of BIL's crap. SIL even yelled at huby for taking some of the things to see if they were worth anything at a pawn shop even though SIL took some of the things for her own. BIL is at an adult facility because he cannot walk, he cannot fully use his left arm and cannot talk, due to the stroke. 6 months later hubby and I have finished redoing the main bathroom, as it was so filthy no one could even take a shower in the room and there was mold on the walls and the ceiling was falling down, finished cleaning the spaces his brother occupied and I have moved into the house. A few months later we come home to find the gate to our backyard open and the dog is gone. During the time before that we got the dog neutered, licensed, shots, and healthy again, spending about a grand in the process. SIL comes over last week screaming at hubby and I because we didn't tell her that the dog was gone. I had tried calling her but when I tried she was not at her office. Just screaming at us about the fact that we threw things away and took things to goodwill and how dare we not tell her the dog was gone. I figured she knew because she had come over before and said nothing about the dog not being there. Come to find out she had BIL in the car, he didn't want to come in and see this dog that is his only reason for living? So I was fed up. I went off. Basically about how much money we spent on the dog, the food, 40LBS. of dog food a week, getting shots, licenses, etc. and all the crap we cleaned up for the waste of space and all the crap we still have stored. She said that she though we got rid of the dog. Never mind the fact that BIL had friends come and take the dog for play dates earlier, something no one told us about, and no one told us they were not still doing that because I threw a fit about his friends on our property without our knowledge. No, we are the scapegoats because hubby and I truly believe that he had a friend or a friend of a friend come and take the dog, but they both say it didn't happen and we had to have done something like taken the dog out and shoot him. So now SIL is pissed and I am done. I am done being the scapegoat for entitled people. I am done with the fact that no matter what we have done in the past to make things easier or to heal the relationship we are seen in the worse possible way. I am done with all the in-law crap. I told hubby that it is his responsiblity to repair those relationships, if he wants to. I am not doing the work.

A Stepmom Poem

I'm going to share a stepmom poem that was shared by a fellow stepmom. It made me cry and it made me think of my own new stepmom. I let hubby read it and he thought it was "nice". Anyway, here it is.

What is a Stepmother?
--Author Unknown

A step below or a step above?

Someone for you to (sometimes) love?

Someone to share your laughter and tears?

Or do you grow quiet when she comes near?

*****

What is a stepmother?

A step above or a step below?

Someone to teach you and help you to grow?

Is she a mystery to you, or someone you know?

Are you true with your feelings, or are they for show?

*****

I'm a stepmother, so let me define

What a stepmother is, at least in my mind

A stepmother cares for her family and home

And loves her step kids like they were her own

She fixes their meals, treats a cold, ties a shoe

Anything that a kid's real mom would do

*****

A stepmother consoles you when you feel sad

And hands out a punishment if you are bad

She'll tuck you in bed and read you a story

And yet, it's the real mom that gets all the glory

*****

A stepmother hides the tears that she cries

When mother's day comes and then just slips by

With no card, and no hug, though she really feels sad

She won't let you see it, won't let you feel bad

*****

She feels like an outsider but tries to fit in

If you're playing a game with her, she'll let you win

She makes sure your birthday is one special day

And when hers is forgotten, she'll just look away

*****

When your teen years come, life gets much tougher

With a stepmother these years, for her, are much rougher

You may say or do something that injures her feelings

Please keep in mind that she hurts while she's healing

*****

Your stepmother has done the best she could do

And no matter your age, she'll always love you

For her birthday, the best present to get her

Is the most precious of all, that you didn't forget her

So Strange

This was a strange weekend for me. For some reason I can't stop thinking about things in our home in regards to SD not coming over. Next weekend I get to take my niece shopping for clothes for her birthday, something I've never done before, and I'm super excited. Her parents don't have a lot of money so I'm more then happy to be the one to spoil this little girl that has shown me nothing but love and affection and appreciation. Hubby and I plan to take her to dinner to a kid place that she has never been (due to her parent's finances) and hubby plans to take her to get a special toy and I plan to take her to some of the clothing outlet places, give her a budget, and let her pick things out and teach her how to spread her dollars. There is the expectation that she behave and appreciate what is given to her, which has NEVER been a problem in the past. She was so sweet when her mom and I were planning this, asking if she could bring her own money and buy special presents for her brother and sister, so they don't feel left out. She also asked me that maybe, if she can work for it, can she buy mommy something special as a thank you for putting togther her birthday. I swear this kid is so sweet, yes, she has her moments and has been a pill, even to me, and is hard headed, but the core of who she is amazes me. This little girl is part of a step family, she has a stepdad that she loves very much. She had a stepmom that she loved but stepmom left (she was young and didn't get along to well with dad). I guess I just wish that my own SD could be more like this child in my life and I know that is not fair to compare the two, I guess it is just a fanciful wish.

More reflection

Last night hubby and I were talking about what I hear on The Stepmom's Toolbox Radio Show and we started to talk about my mistakes in all of this. One thing I do fully admit to is my line of thinking. I had actually told hubby that "I have this" meaning I know what to do and how to do things. I thought I was soooo smart. I had my books and articles and everything that I had learned including personal experience and I thought nothing could be thrown at me that I could not handle. Oh boy, was I wrong!!! Yes, I had the information, but the strange thing about people is they don't act like you expect them to. I thought if we told the truth we could combat PAS. I never in a million years thought that the child would actually want to believe the lies and actually want to live in that kind of drama. Silly little me!!! I also figured I could be super stepmom. I could help with homework, get those grades improved, and actually help the child to learn. Another BIG mistake!!! Little did I know that the information TM was providing, things like grades were not important because TM has a learning disability and therefore the child MUST have a learning disability, even though she was tested and found to not have a learning disability, made the child think she could not get good grades and gave her an excuse not to try and an excuse to be lazy. Who would want to work when you had someone in the position of authority backing your inaction? When your own mother tells you that college is not important why would you as a child not listen? I have to admit one of my biggest mistakes  is my whole way of thinking, which makes me thing. :)