Heather Hetchler is doing a 3 part series on jealousy between a stepmom and stepdaughter. The first part talks about jealousy that the stepmom feels, the second part talks about the jealousy that the stepdaughter feels, and the third part talks about understanding the feelings and trying to understand it. The first part was in StepMom Magazine’s September 2011 issue and the second part was in the October 2011 issue. The third part is not out until next month, so I’ll update after I read it, but the second part was just too much for me to remain silent on.
The first part, from this stepmom’s stand point was pretty on cue. Feeling like an outsider, I don’t think that is specific for stepmom/stepdaughter relationship, I think that’s pretty much every stepmom out there. Who wouldn’t feel a little tug at the inside joke and history that you were not a part of. How many times did I need to hear, “do you remember when you and mom when to the pet store to get me my dog?” “Do you remember our trip to Disneyland when you and mom…..” “Remember when you and I went shopping for mom’s….” Every day, several times a day, I was reminded that I was not a part of the family and I wasn’t involved in these special times. We started making our own memories, and yet those memories just never lived up to those memories the child had of “mom and dad”. Added to that, whatever plans we had before the child came over went out the window because the child wanted to do something different. I can’t remember how many times I told hubby to just go without me and I would handle our obligations.
The second part on the first series, again from my own standpoint, was very spot on and again, it is not specific to the stepmom/stepdaughter relationship. The good old Disneyland dad turning a blind eye to what is going on in the house is the cause of a whole lot of problems. When the child didn’t do her chores, do her homework, and acted like a terror she was rewarded with dinners out and friends coming over. That was fine with me, except for the tension it caused between hubby and I. I would have to nag hubby because of the mess, he wouldn’t make the child clean it up and he would not clean it up himself until I worked myself into a frenzy and threw everything away. Until hubby got tired of being treated like an ATM he allowed the behavior. Also, because of how much he was already paying in child support, he couldn’t afford to give the child everything she wanted, just everything he could afford that she wanted, but lucky for me, she abused what he gave her and he stopped buying.
Reading the second part of the series made me want to reach into the pages and shake some sense into these girls. These girls felt pushed aside because dad wanted to spend time with stepmom and it’s not all about her. Some of the girls admitted to doing underhanded things to get stepmom out of the picture. SELFISH! Who cares about what dad wants? The fact that dad gives stepmom power in the home like picking what to eat for dinner and decorating makes the stepmom evil and wicked. No, leave the house exactly how I want is because you are the outsider!!! I will hate and resent you if you don’t. Don’t show stepmom any affection, that’s all for me. I recommend reading the second part of the series because it really opens your eyes to just how nasty these girls are and it starts young.
I wasn't as happy with part 2 of this series as I was with part 1 either. I think that what frustrated me about some of the stepdaughters' comments was that what they missed wasn't right for their dads to be doing in the first place - like "dad and I decorated the house and now it's full of HER stuff." I grew up with two parents married to each other until mom died last year when I was 40, and not once did I EVER get input on how the house should be decorated. Why does it become a kid's right to do, or to decide where they go on vacation, or to decide where to go for dinner? I don't get it.
ReplyDeleteNowadays, when I see men get divorced and share custody of their daughters I warn them to REMAIN a parent and not to give the girl(s) too much decision-making power, because it will become all the harder when a new woman enters their lives. Of course, these guys are usually so scarred by their divorces and their exes that they swear up and down there will never BE another woman and so they don't listen.
I think that my Honey's story is somewhat similar to yours ... he had a lot of issues with his ex but one of them was how to raise children. He was also demeaned and belittled in front of them, and told (directly and indirectly) that he had no idea what he was doing. The only way he could influence his children in the way that he wanted to was while NOT being married to their mother, despite the fact that it greatly cut down on the amount of time he got to spend with the kids. But he's had to struggle these last few years with turning around the bad choices he made (or went along with) for the first part of their lives and it's confusing to them a) that it's happening, and b) where they should put the blame. For that reason among others, I give them PLENTY of time together while I'm off doing other things so that they don't associate the way Dad now parents with me.
Kristen, I know what you mean, trying to tell newly divorced men is like trying to talk to a wall. My own hubby is now combating a mom that allows the child to make adult decisions and blames the consequences on hubby. It's a hard life. Good luck to you!!
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