While I write this blog for me, I welcome readers and positive comments. I know that in the "bonus" "step" "blended" or what ever you want to call my family world there is a lot of negativity and depression. I'm just trying to find my way through this with some sanity and to help my fellow travelers who are are the same type of path. Life is not easy but then when things are easy they just don't feel right, I find you appreciate things more when you earn them (and food wise, the easy meal doesn't taste as good as the homecooked meal). So sit back and relax and join me in a glass of wine and share in what I am learning.
Growing up I didn’t dream of being a stepmom. I didn’t dress up and go get my dolls from their mom’s house to play with them and then take them back to their mom’s house. I didn’t separate my weekends knowing that this weekend I would have my babies and next weekend I could play with my friends. I didn’t grow up thinking that the love of my life would have been married to someone else and I didn’t play Barbie with Ken having more than one family. I grew up believing I would grow up and become a princess. That changed and I wanted to be a doctor, a vet, a teacher, or many other professions. I never wanted to be a stepmom. I had a stepmom at 16 and I knew that I didn’t want to be that kind of a person. Little did I know that it wasn’t about being a stepmom, it was about the person who became the stepmom.
That being said, my life is a fairy tale because it seems I have magical powers. I have to power to control minds. It seems that hubby had no choice when it came to leaving TM. Things were perfect between them and he was happy. Once I set my sites on him it was all over, because he had no choice. Ladies beware, I have this magical power and it doesn’t matter if your husband loves you and is devoted to you, because I have the power to make him fall in love with me and leave you. This is what TM has told her friends and family, to never leave their husbands alone in an area with me; I just might steal the husband away. I also have the power to make the things that the child has done disappear. Homework disappears after she has done it because it is my intention for her to fail her classes. Also, anything she has studied disappears from her brain after I help her because I want her to fail her tests. I also have the power to make what she has cleaned dirty again right after she cleaned. If she dusts I have the power to take that dust and spread it again just in the way it was. Oh maybe that is the power to control time for objects, making them revert to their dirty stage of before she cleaned. I’m not too sure about this power but I do know that the affect is that everything the child cleans or does looks like she never touched it when hubby checked on her. I am also able to get whatever I want whenever I want and I have the power to make people give me anything I want. Those are my powers; I only wished I knew how to use them at will. L
My life is a fairy tale because I’ve married a man that is a partner, friend, and lover. I don’t know that I would have met a person that was more in tune with me if I tried. I do know I could have found someone who would have made me happy without the problems created by the child, but I don’t know that he would understand me the way that hubby understands me. I can say that where we are today isn’t something that happened right away, it took work and a whole lot of communication and compromise, but the fact that we were both willing to work at it and we were both willing to compromise is what makes our relationship unique. No one ever said happily ever after was easy.
Days like today I realize just how lucky I am. Yesterday hubby sent me flowers. He ordered them during the huge blow up last week with TM and the child and his message was: "Sorry for your loss. Hope you get a better skid next time." I laughed and asked what next time he was talking about and he said next time, meaning next anniversary, I laughted and said next time I get married it will be to a guy with no kids. He laughed and said the next time WE get married it might be to a man with no kids because his kid has disowned him unless she wants something. A huge weight has lifted from my shoulders. He gets it. He knows how badly his own daughter treats him and he gets that I'm treated even worse. Even at my worse, I tried to treat my stepmom better then my dad because it wasn't her fault that he made the decisions he did. It wasn't until she started to do things that it hardened my heart. Even then, I never told her I hated her, I never wrote it on the walls, I never told it to my friends or family. In my heart, I didn't hate her, I didn't understand her. The best part, her own daughter felt about her the same way I felt about her, which made things easier on me.
Back to my story, last night hubby and I were talking while cooking dinner. He was complaining about having to work late two nights in a row. He's been working 9 1/2 hours a day and doesn't have time to take his bike rides. We agreed to start playing the PS3 Move games together to get our work out and spend time together, as the whole working thing was really getting in the way of that. This started me looking at our games and the fact that some of the games we got for the child and they are collecting dust because neither hubby or myself play those games. I asked him what he wanted to do with the games and he really didn't know so I left that alone, but while cooking dinner he said that he was thinking about Christmas and the fact that we are buying our Christmas presents for each other early because there is a party we want to go to in November that is a Pirate theme and we need the outfits and the fact that we are actually able to spend our money on ourselves and not the child. He was happy. I asked what he wanted to do for Christmas, as it looks like nothing will change. He said that unless the child does a 180 and comes to us he will do a $25 gift card to Starbucks and a card, that's it. He was still hurt over her F*ck Father's Day, I love my mom post on Twitter and the fact that she wants nothing to do with him unless she wants something from him.
This really got me thinking. A child that was not raised to act this was is acting this way because there are no consequences to her behavior. I know teenagers are all about themselves and since her mom allows it there is nothing we can do. So I just sat back, supported my hubby, and it made me love him so much more.
I was 16 when my dad remarried. I remember having a talk with my dad about what was going to change and what would remain the same. You see my brother and I wanted my dad to wait until we finished high school before he got married. I had a scholarship program that I was in that I couldn't transfer to another school. I spent the summer working on this program and I was in. This meant college would be paid for at a really good school, I just had to finish the program. Added to that, I was on the path to early graduation so I could start college earlier. My senior year was already planned, I would take classes at the college while finishing my high school years and be able to finish college in 3 years. My brother wanted to finish his senior year with the friends he had since 5th grade. He was going to the Navy right after graduation and it was his last year to be a kid. My dad promised, he actually pinky promised me, that we would still attend the same high school and he allowed us to register for all of our classes. The morning before school was suppose to start my brother and I were getting ready and our dad was actually up sitting in his chair. We had to catch the bus to school, about 1 1/2 hours on the bus so it was really early. Dad said he would take us to school. On the way to school he told us that they, he and stepmom, had decided that we would be changing schools. "They" thought that 3 hours on the bus was a long time and that we wouldn't have enough time to do school work. I remember crying harder that day then any day before. My dad had just broken a pinky promise. My brother and I felt betrayed. We had to play the happy family for our stepmom during the wedding and to everyone when they visited and our carrot was staying in our high school. I was so mad at my dad. I didn't care that he talked to my stepmom, in my mind she didn't matter, she was his wife and I had to respect her as his wife, she really wasn't anything to me, even though she pretended to be, I'm sorry, marrying a man does not make you love his children, I know. She didn't get to make this decision. I remember looking at my dad and telling him I wanted nothing to do with him or his "new" family. He broke a pinky promise.
Heather Hetchler is doing a 3 part series on jealousy between a stepmom and stepdaughter. The first part talks about jealousy that the stepmom feels, the second part talks about the jealousy that the stepdaughter feels, and the third part talks about understanding the feelings and trying to understand it. The first part was in StepMom Magazine’s September 2011 issue and the second part was in the October 2011 issue. The third part is not out until next month, so I’ll update after I read it, but the second part was just too much for me to remain silent on.
The first part, from this stepmom’s stand point was pretty on cue.Feeling like an outsider, I don’t think that is specific for stepmom/stepdaughter relationship, I think that’s pretty much every stepmom out there. Who wouldn’t feel a little tug at the inside joke and history that you were not a part of. How many times did I need to hear, “do you remember when you and mom when to the pet store to get me my dog?” “Do you remember our trip to Disneyland when you and mom…..” “Remember when you and I went shopping for mom’s….” Every day, several times a day, I was reminded that I was not a part of the family and I wasn’t involved in these special times. We started making our own memories, and yet those memories just never lived up to those memories the child had of “mom and dad”. Added to that, whatever plans we had before the child came over went out the window because the child wanted to do something different. I can’t remember how many times I told hubby to just go without me and I would handle our obligations.
The second part on the first series, again from my own standpoint, was very spot on and again, it is not specific to the stepmom/stepdaughter relationship. The good old Disneyland dad turning a blind eye to what is going on in the house is the cause of a whole lot of problems. When the child didn’t do her chores, do her homework, and acted like a terror she was rewarded with dinners out and friends coming over. That was fine with me, except for the tension it caused between hubby and I. I would have to nag hubby because of the mess, he wouldn’t make the child clean it up and he would not clean it up himself until I worked myself into a frenzy and threw everything away. Until hubby got tired of being treated like an ATM he allowed the behavior. Also, because of how much he was already paying in child support, he couldn’t afford to give the child everything she wanted, just everything he could afford that she wanted, but lucky for me, she abused what he gave her and he stopped buying.
Reading the second part of the series made me want to reach into the pages and shake some sense into these girls. These girls felt pushed aside because dad wanted to spend time with stepmom and it’s not all about her. Some of the girls admitted to doing underhanded things to get stepmom out of the picture. SELFISH! Who cares about what dad wants? The fact that dad gives stepmom power in the home like picking what to eat for dinner and decorating makes the stepmom evil and wicked. No, leave the house exactly how I want is because you are the outsider!!! I will hate and resent you if you don’t. Don’t show stepmom any affection, that’s all for me. I recommend reading the second part of the series because it really opens your eyes to just how nasty these girls are and it starts young.
After no contact from SD for 2 months all of a sudden hubby gets an email from TM. SD wants to participate in a Foreign Exchange Student Program. They both went to a meeting last week and got information and questions answered about this program, DH was not informed of this meeting and he wasn't invited to attend. All of a sudden they want him to sign off on the program and they give him 24 hours to sign the paperwork. Any questions asked by DH went unanswered or he was given cryptic responses. The program is for 11 months, August 2012 - June 2013. When he asked about how this would be paid for TM's response was: "As for the expense if she is selected I will follow the divorce decree and I will not deny her of the oppurtunity." It has been DH's position that unless SD gets a 3.0 GPA in school he would not pay for any extra activities. TM does know this, we have emails in which DH has told her this, we have a contract that SD signed that says she knows this, understands it, and agrees to it. It's why she didn't get to do Cheerleading two years ago and why she didn't get to go to Hawaii with DH paying for it last year. This would be a wonderful opportunity for SD and DH and I fully support the ability to travel and see new things and to enrich your life, but not on our dime. Added to that, it's 3K from him in addition to paying $500 a month in child support. Who the hell do you think you're kidding!! In the 11 months SD is gone TM gets $5500 that she doesn't have to spend on food or clothing or school supplies or even medical insurance because the program takes care of all of that. The only thing the program doesn't cover is spending money and the flight to the country she starts off in. That's what the 3K goes to, freaking spending money and application fees and plane tickets. I do think Dh will sign if Tm agrees that he doesn't have to pay any of the costs, if not, then it's on TM. I'm mean hell, she makes $2500 off of the deal.
Last weekend was the first time the child contacted hubby all on her own. The funny thing, she sent a picture of herself with a snake, "I want this" was her comment. She knows TM would NEVER allow that in her home and hubby is okay with snakes and all kinds of animals. Of course hubby played alone and it seems they had a nice text message conversation. That was Friday to Sunday. This Friday hubby sent a text message asking her a question and there was nothing back. I was kind of nervous that the text messaging was signaling a change, but I guess not. Hubby did not get his hopes up and I am extremely glad for that. This year was the first year in our relationship in which I did not have to share my time with hubby, we were alone for the weekend (except for the text messages) and for the actual day of my birthday, which usually would have been an overnight day with the child. And while I don't agree with the things TM allows the child to do or the things she takes her to do, the fact of the matter is I'm glad they are having fun together and have such a close bond now. Even though it hurts hubby, at least we cannot be blamed for trying to "take away the child."
I have to say that I really love the technology of today's world. Twitter is a wonderful thing to get into the mind of the young. Father's Day this was posted, "F*ck fathers day! I <3 my mom!" without the * in the middle of the word. A week later, "You don't understand how much I hate your wife! F*ck stepmoms."
Of course I've had nothing to do with the child for 5 months, no phone calls, no text messages, no cards, NOTHING. So it's the great life of being a stepmom and being the scape goat for whatever ails the child. I am so lucky though. Hubby stands by me and loves me and doesn't let any of this crap invade our life. I talked to my dad about all of the crap and he had some insightful things to say. One thing really struck a cord with me. The fact that no matter what, the child blames me for her relationship with her father. The only thing her half teenage brain understands is the fact that EVERYTHING changed when I came into the picture. She doesn't understand that her dad is able to be the father he always wanted to by, meaning teaching her consequences and rewards and respect. When he disciplined the child when he was married TM yelled at him and made him apologize to the child for being mean. What kind of a person does that to their husband? In addition, TM started the child off at a young age seeing dad as an ATM. So I come along and I'm and easy targe to all that ails her and all that makes her unhappy. Dad said that most people that don't know our situation will blame me for the relationship, as I am the evil wicked stepmom, so what chance do I have against a child with only half a working brain because of the teenage horomones?
On a side note, things have not ever been better between hubby and I. He said it is due to the fact that he has really taken a look at things and how he treated me and how he allowed the child to treat me, and the fact that I never took anything out on the child. I was always loving and did what was in the best interest of the child and his relationship. I took the high road, at a personal emotional cost and at a cost to my own health. I can't tell you how much I felt appreciated and loved and heard and seen. I told him that I did that for him and for the child, as I know how much the perception of losing a father to someone else feels. It also has to do with the fact that the child will contact my father and not her own and the crappy birthday and Father's Day cards that he got. The fact that the child did not call on Father's Day or his birthday and does not respond unless she gets something or wants something. It's been a real eye opening couple of months. I can just hope that he doesn't give up completely on the child and that one day they can have a relationship. I can just hope that one day she grows up and sees that everything I did was to support her dad and to be supportive of the relationship between her and her dad.
My husband is sad, he’s sad he didn’t see SD for his birthday. He’s sad he doesn’t understand her anymore. He got a card for his birthday this weekend, a funny card because he’s the “funny card” type of guy, at least that is how TM and the child see him. He really isn’t the funny card type of guy. Honestly he’s the sweet make you cry type of card guy. So he is 100% surprised that he got the card and then disappointed by what the child wrote in the card and disappointed in the fact that TM and his own daughter don’t know him well enough to know what kind of card to send him. He didn’t get a call or text from the child or a message on FB. NOTHING BUT A CARD. And he is sad. He is sad today because it’s the child’s birthday. He got her a card and we put flowers on her front porch for her to get this morning. He sent her a text this morning, “Happy birthday, check your front porch. Have a great day. I love you.” He didn’t even get a response from her. My husband is sad and I don’t know what to do.
Yesterday I woke hubby up with his special birthday present. We snuggled in bed with the puppies for an hour later. We went for a bike ride, 11 miles, mostly uphill, and I fell. I have clip in shoes that I’ve been wearing for 3 years now. We were stopping and I clipped out, but when I put my foot down my shoe clipped in again and I ate it bad. I popped the gel on my glove and ended up with a nasty bruise on my hand. After that, we showered and got ready to go. We went to 5 different pubs for wings and then desserts at different places. We met with one of hubby’s friends and from 2-9 we celebrated hubby’s birthday. All of that and my husband is sad.
Last night my husband snuggled in bed with me and thanked me for the great day, but he is still sad. He picked fights with me all day because he is sad. He doesn’t know how to process, he actually said the word process, and he doesn’t understand other people’s feelings and how they change reality due to their perspective, even stone cold hard facts. All I know is my heart hurts for him. He is sad, I can’t do anything to take that away or help him with that.
I have to say that sometimes all it takes for my to be happy is for the sun to shine and for me to feel loved. So last night I was in a snit after starting some work on the backyard. There is an area in our backyard that needs to be dug out and pushed back, on the right side of the house. So I finally found where the cement sidewalk ends, after digging in the dirt and started to clear the area only to rip my gloves and get a nasty cut on my hands from glass in the dirt. Yes, another little "gift" from BIL, broken glass in the yard from his drunken parties. NICE!!! It set me off, nothing like a little spilt blood because of another's laziness to get the blood boiling. Lucky for hubby he was not home. I got to thinking about all the crap I put up with in regards to his sister and brother. I started thinking about how I can change things in my home and in my mind. The easy thing to do, write them off. If SIL wants to run and rescue the little broken duck and step on the healthy people in her life to do it then fine, let her. She feels guilty and visits him every day, while she doesn't have time to call or visit us. Fine. The fact of the matter is we don't need her to approve of what we are doing and we can just live our life. How sad. SIL is so concerned with a 40 year old man that did this to himself and yet doesn't care about her 14 year old niece who, if is allowed to stay on the course she is on might just turn out the same. It did make me strenghten my resolve to keep hubby from backing off of his daughter and to continue to try to make contact. It strenghtened my resolve to keep working with her teachers in the background to see what we can do for her. And I am happy with that decision.
I am angry today. I am angry because of the obligations hubby has to his ex-in-laws. The same people that cut him out of his life and believed all the lies TM told about him. I am angry with being a scapegoat and hubby being a scapegoat. First I will talk about the anger I have towards my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. When I became involved with hubby he was living in an apartment with SD EOW and every Wednesday and Tuesday for a few hours and every other Wednesday overnight. He had a house that TM and him were fighting over, the house that was left to him and his brother when his mother died. His brother is a waste. The requirement for his brother to live in the house rent free was he was to pay the property taxes and clean up the house, mom was a horder. 2 years after they got the property the house had a lien on it because brother had not paid the property taxes, he blew through 75K, money from his mom's estate, and was another 60K in debt. He had quit his job and was living the high life. Hubby then took out a loan on the house, paid his brother's debts, and did some work on the house. I wasn't around so I just have his side of the story. Brother was suppose to pay rent to hubby each month to pay the loan off, that never happened. Forward another 3 years DH had moved out, rented an apartment (as brother and friends were living in the house) and I got involved with hubby. DH had to refinance the house to get TM's name off the house and loan. DH had to take out 50K from his retirement to pay off lawyers and fix the mess made in the house from the damage BIL and his friends did to the house. BIL had no more money in the house after his debts and the money it took to clean the house. I even helped to get the house cleaned up enough to appraise for half the value of what the house should have appraised for to get TM's name off the house. I can tell you this, if you have ever been in a horder's house you know what kind of a mess I'm talking about. You could not even get into the basement, it was full of crap. There were 4 bedrooms upstairs, each friend and BIL had a room (yes, 4 men living in the house). There was a huge 165 lb. dog and a cat living there, BIL's animals, and no one cleaned. DH could not afford CS, attorney's bills, living, and supporting BIL and his friends in the house so he kicked all the friends out and let BIL still live in the house, BIL had no job and no where to go. DH and I started to clean up the house, the basement was first. We got a huge dumpster in front of our house and filled it twice. We took runs to goodwill with the things that were still usable and spent many weeks on this little project. We found out that since BIL did not clean out the cat litter box the cat was going anywhere it could, mostly in the basement. By the time hubby and I married the basement was clear and we had three bedrooms and 1 1/2 bathrooms cleaned and fixed up, this took about 8 months. It got to the point where the only rooms left were BIL's horded bedroom and the living room areas, where BIL lived, and the kitchen. Everything else had been cleaned up and rehabed to the best of our ability and according to our funds. I was actually still living in my apartment at the time, as hubby wanted to give BIL time to find another place to life. We had started working on the outside of the house and getting things cleaned up. During all this time, about 1 1/2 years I had tried to make sure to help hubby heal his relationship with his family. During Christmas I would make sure he got little things for his brother's dog (his brother's reason for living) and things for his sister. We would go to Thanksgiving dinner (usually with us paying) at a great buffet/brunch place and we would take them out for Christmas Dinner, real healing kind of things. Then, because of altercations between BIL and hubby and SD things got worse. BIL is an alcoholic, he can drink a fifth in one day and pass out and won't rememeber what he did. He would walk into SD's bedroom without knocking and talk his crap, let the huge dog in there and not remember the next day. The final incident was when he got so drunk he started to push hubby around and hubby had to call the police. Then the rule of no alcohol in the house, he could not come home drunk, he could not drink, basically, he could not be in a situation where it would happen again. So BIL started to leave on the weekends, leaving his animals with us to take care of and really going into a hole.
Hubby was tired, I was tired, and he finally got to the point where he told BIL that he was done and he had until the end of the summer to find a place and to get out. Of course, that was all my fault. I was the one that ruined BIL and hubby's relationship. If I never came around then things would be great, etc... No one really cared (except hubby) that I was reaching my financial limit trying to support two households and hubby had to help support two households and things were getting bad. Whatever. So in June of 2010 BIL ended up having a stroke in our home in the bathroom. Hubby found him, called 911 and they got him to the hospital. We found out that BIL had been doing meth since the beginning of the year, as he could not handle the fact that hubby and I had "taken" his home from him and he had nothing to live for but his dog, all my fault according to BIL. SO BIL is in ICU, no medical insurance, no assets, a total waste, but the doctors are doing all they can to save his life. After that hubby and I got to work on cleaning up his living area, and it was the most gut wrenching disgusting thing I ever did. Hauling out couches that were still wet from urine, BIL's urine that he slept in. Garbage and dirty plates and dirt and just disgusting filth. Packing crap up because SIL is so upset that we are throwing away things BIL might want, filling up our storage under the house and a whole deck full of crap. So she starts to take some of the things to her house, so now she has a garage full of BIL's crap, our storage under the house if full of BIL's crap, and we have half a deck full of BIL's crap. SIL even yelled at huby for taking some of the things to see if they were worth anything at a pawn shop even though SIL took some of the things for her own. BIL is at an adult facility because he cannot walk, he cannot fully use his left arm and cannot talk, due to the stroke. 6 months later hubby and I have finished redoing the main bathroom, as it was so filthy no one could even take a shower in the room and there was mold on the walls and the ceiling was falling down, finished cleaning the spaces his brother occupied and I have moved into the house. A few months later we come home to find the gate to our backyard open and the dog is gone. During the time before that we got the dog neutered, licensed, shots, and healthy again, spending about a grand in the process. SIL comes over last week screaming at hubby and I because we didn't tell her that the dog was gone. I had tried calling her but when I tried she was not at her office. Just screaming at us about the fact that we threw things away and took things to goodwill and how dare we not tell her the dog was gone. I figured she knew because she had come over before and said nothing about the dog not being there. Come to find out she had BIL in the car, he didn't want to come in and see this dog that is his only reason for living? So I was fed up. I went off. Basically about how much money we spent on the dog, the food, 40LBS. of dog food a week, getting shots, licenses, etc. and all the crap we cleaned up for the waste of space and all the crap we still have stored. She said that she though we got rid of the dog. Never mind the fact that BIL had friends come and take the dog for play dates earlier, something no one told us about, and no one told us they were not still doing that because I threw a fit about his friends on our property without our knowledge. No, we are the scapegoats because hubby and I truly believe that he had a friend or a friend of a friend come and take the dog, but they both say it didn't happen and we had to have done something like taken the dog out and shoot him. So now SIL is pissed and I am done. I am done being the scapegoat for entitled people. I am done with the fact that no matter what we have done in the past to make things easier or to heal the relationship we are seen in the worse possible way. I am done with all the in-law crap. I told hubby that it is his responsiblity to repair those relationships, if he wants to. I am not doing the work.
I'm going to share a stepmom poem that was shared by a fellow stepmom. It made me cry and it made me think of my own new stepmom. I let hubby read it and he thought it was "nice". Anyway, here it is.
This was a strange weekend for me. For some reason I can't stop thinking about things in our home in regards to SD not coming over. Next weekend I get to take my niece shopping for clothes for her birthday, something I've never done before, and I'm super excited. Her parents don't have a lot of money so I'm more then happy to be the one to spoil this little girl that has shown me nothing but love and affection and appreciation. Hubby and I plan to take her to dinner to a kid place that she has never been (due to her parent's finances) and hubby plans to take her to get a special toy and I plan to take her to some of the clothing outlet places, give her a budget, and let her pick things out and teach her how to spread her dollars. There is the expectation that she behave and appreciate what is given to her, which has NEVER been a problem in the past. She was so sweet when her mom and I were planning this, asking if she could bring her own money and buy special presents for her brother and sister, so they don't feel left out. She also asked me that maybe, if she can work for it, can she buy mommy something special as a thank you for putting togther her birthday. I swear this kid is so sweet, yes, she has her moments and has been a pill, even to me, and is hard headed, but the core of who she is amazes me. This little girl is part of a step family, she has a stepdad that she loves very much. She had a stepmom that she loved but stepmom left (she was young and didn't get along to well with dad). I guess I just wish that my own SD could be more like this child in my life and I know that is not fair to compare the two, I guess it is just a fanciful wish.
Last night hubby and I were talking about what I hear on The Stepmom's Toolbox Radio Show and we started to talk about my mistakes in all of this. One thing I do fully admit to is my line of thinking. I had actually told hubby that "I have this" meaning I know what to do and how to do things. I thought I was soooo smart. I had my books and articles and everything that I had learned including personal experience and I thought nothing could be thrown at me that I could not handle. Oh boy, was I wrong!!! Yes, I had the information, but the strange thing about people is they don't act like you expect them to. I thought if we told the truth we could combat PAS. I never in a million years thought that the child would actually want to believe the lies and actually want to live in that kind of drama. Silly little me!!! I also figured I could be super stepmom. I could help with homework, get those grades improved, and actually help the child to learn. Another BIG mistake!!! Little did I know that the information TM was providing, things like grades were not important because TM has a learning disability and therefore the child MUST have a learning disability, even though she was tested and found to not have a learning disability, made the child think she could not get good grades and gave her an excuse not to try and an excuse to be lazy. Who would want to work when you had someone in the position of authority backing your inaction? When your own mother tells you that college is not important why would you as a child not listen? I have to admit one of my biggest mistakes is my whole way of thinking, which makes me thing. :)
Thank you to Erin for coming up with that phrase. I have to say that last night I listened to Peggy Nolan, Teresa Thompson, and Erin Erickson on blogtalk on a “radio” show called the The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show and I was rocked. One of the ironic things I heard was the fact that each person felt some sort of responsibility to the child over and above what was needed and that the ladies needed to rescue or fix the problems of the family. I had to truly agree with that statement. How many times did I do something because I can “fix” the problem? How many times did I believe that I was the better parent? How many times did I think my thinking was superior? I did it so much that I am ashamed to admit, but being honest with myself and you, I can say that I was the problem. Something I have heard over and over and it’s actually written on my computer. Peggy Nolan’s stepson’s therapist told her that she didn’t break the child; it wasn’t her responsibility to fix the child. Her job was to love her child. The first time I heard that I was taken back. What did the therapist mean? First, I didn’t love this child, how could I love a child that was nothing but disrespectful to me and my thing? How could I love a child that tried everything to get between hubby and me? How can I love someone that wrote hateful things about me on the internet and told people nasty stories about me? I didn’t have the unconditional love for the child, so I did some more reading and research and found out that I didn’t even have to love the child. I could respect the child and be polite, but I needed to allow that love to grow. WOW, just WOW!!!! So I didn’t have to run around and try everything possible to make things happy and wonderful. All I had to do was be the best person I could be. There is lots more to come, but it’s actually time to earn my paycheck. Have a good day everyone.
Hubby has been trying for the past 3 years to get information regarding the child’s doctors and appointments, with no response. So this is what he sent: “I met with the child’s teachers during conferences and I was wondering what the fame plan was in regards to getting her grades up and her homework turned in. You have also not responded regarding the child’s missing school. Please let me know when I can expect a response. It really concerns me when I see the child was out for a personal appointment and missing a French test while she was on Facebook at the time watching JerseyShore with a friend. Thanks, Dad”
Her response: “I have received your email. I will ask you to allow me to parent in my household as you have asked me. Please respect my wishes as I have for you. I will also ask you to not email me at work, as your emails are not work related. Thank you”
Please note that TM started emailing hubby from work when he would just send things to her home email. She would forward them to work and respond from there or send original emails from work. Hubby started sending the emails to both her home and work email addresses.
His response: “Please send me all the information in regards to section T in the Stipulated General Judgment for Dissolution of Marriage and Parenting Plan.”
He sent this and sent another email with a 2nd request 4 days later.
Her response: “In regards to section T in the stipulated general judgment for dissolution of marriage and parenting plan – I have shared the information to you multiple times. The only changes is with the retirement of Doctor 1 and I have listed Doctor 2 as her primary doctor at the same clinic.
You have full acess to all information from her school, medical and dental records and I have fully shared that information to you multiple times.
I need you to share information you have not disclosed in section T in the stipulated general judgment for dissolution of marriage and parenting plan. Thank you, Her full name (with his last name.)”
His response: “Please forward the emails in which you have shared this information.
I have only taken the child to the doctors once and I shared that information with you. Thanks Dad”
Here is section T: Access to Information (1) Each party shall ensure that the other has full access to all information available from the child’s school, medical, and dental records, and the parties shall fully share such information. Each party will provide addresses and contact telephone numbers to the other party and will immediately notify the other party of any emergency circumstances or substantial changes in the health of the child. (2) Notwithstanding the award to the Petitioner of custody, Respondent shall retain his statuary parenting rights including, but not necessarily limited to, the following: (a) to inspect and receive school records and to consult with school staff concerning the child’s welfare and education, to the same extent as Petitioner. (b) To inspect and receive governmental agency and law enforcement records concerning the child to the same extent as Petitioner. (c) To consult with any person who may provide care or treatment for the child and to inspect and receive the child’s medical, dental, and psychological records, to the same extent as petitioner. (d) To authorize emergency medical, dental, psychological, psychiatric, or other health care for the child if Petitioner is, for practical purposes, unavailable.
TM had never told hubby about appointments. The one appointment he was informed of was when the child was having stomach issues and the child wanted more medication and I read on the box that is should not be used for longer then 21 days without seeing a doctor, so hubby called the doctor and they stated that no, she should not be taking the medication without being see, hubby pushed and pushed and the doctor actually called back confused because they had an appointment for later in the day. TM was upset when hubby was there, she actually changed the appointment when she found out hubby was going to be there but the doctor’s office called him when the appointment was changed. All she gives us is the child goes to this school, duh. I called the school and got hubby log on information, something she NEVER shared. She also did not list him as the father in the school records so he had to go in and sign a bunch of paperwork so he could get school progress reports. Hubby will just keep pushing back until she gives us the phone numbers and contact information. GRRRRR.
So hubby has tried to get information out of TM regarding what is going on with the child's grades and appointments that require her to miss school even though we find out that the child is actually not going to school because she is not ready for tests and TM allows this. So now is the hard decision on what to do. Counselor said that if we pull the child back to our house she will hate us and resent us more, if we do nothing she will more then likely end up failing her classes and go no where with her life, and because of what TM says it will all be dad's fault. So here we are, to the right is a rock and to the left is another rock. So we are going through all the emails and printing them out and making sure we have the time line and trying to get the documentation from others regarding PAS and head back to court. Fun times.
Today I feel thankful for the fact that hubby and I have gotten better at communicating our needs to each other. We went to parent teacher conferences and we were able to learn a lot of things that are going on in the child's life, sadly the teachers have to let us know instead of TM, but if that is what it takes then that is what we will do. Two of her teachers agreed to keep up in the loop with weekly updates on her progress, as she is failing these classes and hubby and I were talking about pulling the child back. At least we are open to talking about it and listening to each other. We started this through counseling and have continued this to regular nights at home. I never though we had a problem with communication, but the fact that a lot of things I didn't say were eating at me it has been a very good thing. I guess sometimes these bad things that happen in our life open us up to good things coming out of it. Learn from life and change what isn't working. Anyway, just want to stay thankful today and love my hubby.
I have to say that I am a part of an amazing group of stepmoms. I have made some friends that I feel really close with. It's like we have been in battle together and have made friendships from that trama. My question is how much influence do we really have as stepmoms? I feel that I came into the life of the child to late to really influence her and her actions. She knows what she can get away with and not get away with when it comes to my expectations and reactions. I feel I have been very good with consistency. Manners are a must with me, when she doesn't say please of thank you she doesn't get it again. I have a LONG memory and find that I can remember last week when something happened, even if the child and hubby cannot, which they HATE. I can say that friends and co-workers have told me how improved her behavior was according to what they had seen before. Teachers and counselors have told us that she has improved behavior and habits the more she spends time with us. Life at our house is hard, we have expectations and rules and she knows this and she has proven that she can tow the line. The problem is the fact that TM does not make her tow the line at her house and actually lets her out of school when she has a french test, so she can make it up when she is more prepared, and excuses her from school. TM also allows SD to go out late at night, TM works late hours and does not supervise her child, so of course the child wants to be at moms. I don't know. I wish I could say that of course steps have influence, but all I can see from my end is the only influence I have is showing the child how she needs to act differently according to the different situations.
I'm Happy That You Love My Child It’s only natural for a mom to get jealous over a stepmom’s developing bond with her kid. And deep down, I do want to remain the only mom in his eyes. But I love him enough to want him to be surrounded by many people who care for him, too. I thank you for being one more person who thinks he's the best kid on the block -- and for loving him (nearly) as much as I do.
Really, happy are you. So why do you tell your child that I am the reason for the divorce and she doesn’t have to listen to me or her dad. Why do you tell her that if we have a child that child would not be her brother/sister? Why do you lie to her and tell her that her dad doesn’t love her anymore and all the other crap? Why is this all about your feelings and what you want?
I'm Happy That You're Involved
It’s no longer possible for me to be with my kid every moment of every day. But knowing someone else is there to help with school projects and homework gives me a sense of relief. I like knowing that someone else is motivating him to the best he can be. (Hey, if he gets a scholarship to Yale, we’ll both save money!) And it’s great when we’re both there for piano recitals and sporting events. That means the world to him. It’s wonderful that you’re committed and take an interest in his life.
When my daughter turned five, you took her to have her first manicure/pedicure. She felt so grownup and special. But frankly, that moment should have been with me. My kids are growing up fast, and I have rare opportunities for mother/daughter bonding. I know that you may want to replicate your own favorite childhood memories, but this was a huge one. I feel that you stole my chance to create a lasting memory. A better idea? Ask me if a certain milestone activity is important to me first -- and then think about how something seemingly small, like a manicure, could still be really significant
Now why is this comment about how you feel? Isn’t it about what is best for the children? Lets see, I’ve stopped doing things with the child because of your insecurity. We cannot even shop together, as that is something you do with her. When I get my nails done I make sure it is during a time she is with you, just so I don’t have to say no for fear of hurting your feelings. When I took her shopping for her dad’s presents for Christmas you were happy because you didn’t have to spend money, but complained that I took her. You want everything your way, who cares about the kid. Right!?
Discipline: Stick to the Plan
All parents understand that the occasional time-out may be necessary for children. But how and how often you discipline my kid needs to be on my terms. Back when my ex and I became parents, we made a discipline plan and stuck to it. You need to agree to that plan, too. What my ex and I feel is appropriate, is appropriate. P.S. Don’t even think about raising a hand to my child.
Again, it’s all about you. If you would discipline you child and allow the child’s father to discipline her then this wouldn’t be an issue, but you have to be the kid’s best friend and undermine everything her dad tries to teach her. That’s okay, when she is hell on wheels and ends up damaging your house like she did ours you will know who to blame (but of course you will blame us because you are the perfect parent.) As for the plan, you can’t even tell hubby when parent teacher conferences are or when the child goes to the doctor, how the hell do you think you two can come up with a plan?
But I’m Glad That You Set Limits for My Kids
I know that many kids try to use the two-household scenario to their advantage, and I don’t put it past my own kid to use classic lines such as, “You’re not my real mother and I don’t have to listen to you.” But, yes, he does. He is in your house, and I’m raising him to respect adults. As long as discipline doesn’t go beyond what his father and I feel is appropriate (remember: no hitting!), I’m all for rules, limits and standing your ground as a (step) parent.
I’m not even going to touch this one, as you do not appreciate the limits we set for the child and undermine every boundary we set in place.
Even When I Don’t Show Up, I Still Like to Be Invited
When you’re having a party that involves my kids, and you send me an invitation, it truly means a lot to me. It may make me uncomfortable to actually attend, and because of that, I’ll probably decline, but it’s the effort that counts. So keep inviting me. I’ll be happy to do the same for you, and I promise not to take it personally if you choose not to come. Who knows? Maybe one day it won’t feel so awkward.
Please, please, please do not complain about me or talk negatively about me in front of my children. No matter our relationship, the kids do not need one mom ridiculing the other. It makes them angry, and they usually tell me about it. And because they love us both, they feel caught in the middle. Let’s make a pact: I won’t whisper nasty remarks under my breath about you if you don’t whisper about me. Hate away, but no negative talk about each other in front of the kids!
Since you are not badmouthed in our home how about you do the same in yours. We have tried to teach the child not to talk badly of others, but since it’s okay in your home she thinks it’s okay. How about not bulling people in front of your child and actually disciplining her when you get called by the school and are told she is the #3 bully in the whole school. Since you are a bully and this is how you teach your child I guess we can look forward to the complaints and possible law suits from her bulling, which will go straight to you.
Please Don’t Spoil My Kids
Remember when you gave my son “Guitar Hero” for his birthday? Well, he asked me for it first and I told him no. I get that you may not have realized that, but buying wish list items that I can’t afford or have otherwise refused undermines and embarrasses me. It makes me feel like you’re trying to buy my kids’ affection. So let’s agree to keep spoiling to a minimum by discussing big-ticket purchases in advance. And no, my kid doesn’t need Paris Hilton-style Gucci sunglasses at age 12. Plus, I may actually have said no to it for another reason, like the C she got in Algebra.
Here is another one that is completely opposite. Oh, and since you decided that the last time you and hubby would buy something together to not honor the splitting of the costs, this will never happen again.
I Am Completely Over My Ex
Don’t be insecure about the fact that I’m in your husband’s life. Because we are parents together, we have to communicate. Believe me: I’m not trying to win him back. Good riddance to all his fantasy football and computer poker, and more power to you for dealing with it. He and I are divorced; it’s over. And now, it’s all about parenting.
So how about you stop talking about the times you made love and how good it was and telling hubby that if he ever wants to come back there is a key under the mat for him. Stop telling him how much you love him and how much you miss him and in the next breath telling him you are glad you divorced him as he is controlling and abusive. How about you keep it to parenting?
But I’m Still Licking My Wounds
As much as I’m over my ex, it will take me longer to get over the fact that you started a relationship with him before he was my ex. I also wonder about the morals being taught in your home because of it: How will my children learn not to cheat to lie, knowing that you two did? I know that I need to get over it, and I promise to try, but you should know that it hurt me deeply.
This is so funny. Since you were divorced when we got together but will NEVER believe that I guess it’s just another reason to play the victim and get support and sympathy. Oh, and telling the child that you are “dating” several men at one time and then telling her you are sleeping with them, yes, you provide a good role model when it comes to morals.
I Get Mother’s Day. Period.
Yes, you are a mother and the kids may want to shower you with gifts and treats on Mother’s Day. But as biological mom, I get to spend this day with them. Yes, the entire day. This is when I get to pull this trump card: I carried them for 9 months. I suffered through labor, nursing and feedings. I get Mother’s Day.
Yes you do, so don’t back out on it. And Dad gets Father’s Day, PERIOD!
I’m Not a Moneygrubber
If I call asking for help paying the orthodontist bill or for pricey lacrosse gear, I’m not trying to nickel and dime you. I’m just trying to taking care of our kids. Your husband still has to support his children, including when they are in my custody. Yes, that means you’ll see my name in your checkbook, but remember that that’s what a court has decided.
Yes you are. When you don’t bother to consult the father on the decisions you make regarding spending his money he doesn’t have to split the costs with you. It’s called communication and parenting. If you want to sign the child up for everything under the sun then be prepared to pay for it. A court order is not an open checkbook. Please, take us back to court and tell the judge that you made the decision WITHOUT talking it over with dad and just expect him to pay whatever you want him to pay. Also, there is a 30 day notice for a reason, per the court order. You are not allowed to hold all the bills for doctors and such and then turn them into us and expect payment. Sorry, when the child went into the doctor’s in February do not expect payment for that bill in December. I’m sorry you cannot keep track of your expenses, but that is your problem. Also, hubby is to pay the provider, NOT YOU!!! If you have a problem with that, talk to the judge. This is funny because hubby is to support the child while in your custody, but what about when she is with us? We pay for 100% of her costs and yet you make over $30K with child support more then hubby does.
Please, Put Some Clothes On!
I understand that you and my ex are head over heels for each other. But your heavy petting and running around the house in sexy lingerie is making my kids -- and me -- uncomfortable. I know you’re great at keeping the PDA to a minimum outside the home, so please confine it to the closed-door bedroom when my kids are there. That way, I only have to worry about them asking me uncomfortable questions about the things they see at school, not at their dad’s house.
Why in the world would the fact that hubby and I have sex make anyone uncomfortable except for the fact that you never taught you child to knock on closed doors and she feels it’s perfectly okay to walk in on us doing our heavy petting (having sex once or twice a year is not a normal healthy sex life and now she does have to get use to the fact that her dad and Stepmom have a normal healthy sex life). BTW, if she didn’t go through my drawers she would never know what kind of sexy lingerie I have.
I Hate When You Compare My Child to Yours
We all think our kids are the best, but making my kid feel second-best in your home can hurt her self-esteem and damage her relationship with her father. Sometimes, she says she feels she’s not as good as his “new family.” You’re a parent to my child now, too. Please treat her the same as you treat your own child. And praise her for jobs well done.
Yes, I compare your child to the children (normal children) that I know in my life, and you know what, how can you say in one breath to treat her like the other children but tell me to not treat her like the others. You can’t have it both ways.
There’s No Need to Ignore Me
Sure, lots of bio moms and stepmoms fight, so not speaking to me or avoiding me might seem like a good defense. Like when I call and you just hand the phone to my kids without any pleasantries. But if you’re going to be in my children’s lives, I’d appreciate you making an effort to be in mine. I don’t need anything spectacular. Just smile, be polite and say hello. We may not be friends, but we can be civil.
I don’t need to be in your life just like you don’t need to be in mine. I can be civil, but it also works both ways. You screaming at me in the school hallways is not civil. I am taking my cues from you, if you want a change, then make a change.
Last night hubby was telling me about a phone conversation he was having with an ex-niece-in-law. She was telling him about Christmas when TM and SD go to someone in her family’s house to celebrate. I don’t know why TM is invited, it is actually her sister’s in-laws, but ever since the divorce she has latched onto that family because she knows that they are still on contact with hubby and have a good relationship with hubby and have started a relationship with me. We try so hard not to put them in the middle and to leave them out of the drama; it’s not worth losing the relationship with them. We will call her Sam, Sam and hubby were talking and it seems that Sam and her dad were telling the child how much her dad loves her and that the divorce didn’t change his love for her. TM comes up and tells them not to talk about hubby or me to SD as it only stresses her out. Sam asked why, and TM said she (meaning the child) doesn’t need to hear the lies and she (the child) knows that her father left her and married a whore (me). Talk about not interfering with the natural development for affection between the child and the parent.
Sam is really upset with the fact that she has to listen to TM at all the holiday functions talk crap about hubby and I and the child is always there (and the fact that her aunt is TM’s sister and they feel so sorry for TM for the divorce as she is such a great person…pfff). Sam understands that kids sometimes fight with their parents but with what is going on she sees TM pushing the child away from her father. Sam told TM that hubby was being a parent, something she might want to look into being. Sam and her dad are actually the best people in the world and they accept people for whom and what they are. They don’t put on airs and they are always there to help out. Sam was snubbed by TM and most of her family when she got married, as they did not approve of the man she was going to marry. It doesn’t matter, they have been together for years, have kids, and honestly, are the most amazing couple together. You can just see how much they love each other if you bother to look. Hubby and (we will call Sam’s husband Bob) Bob are friends and do a lot of things together. Bob would gladly tell TM off because of the things she says (mostly lies) and the things she does, but Sam will not let him. I honestly believe if Bob never saw TM again for the rest of his life he would be okay because of the way she has treated him, his wife, his mother-in-law, the child, and hubby. TM also accused Sam of having an affair with hubby because they were close (yes, being around someone since they were small and them growing up seeing you as a favored uncle means you want to sleep with the person). Sam was also recently in the hospital and no one knew but hubby and I. We were talking to Bob the whole time, asking if they needed anything and how Sam was and if we knew how bad things were we would have gone to see her, but when aunt and TM found out NOTHING was said. Sad really. But I’m the one that is evil and wicked. Pfff.
This was written by an online friend and stepmom that I know.
I'm just so sick and tired of getting all this flack from the world. Even now in your modern times people just sit and pass judgement on me, calling me "mean" and "wicked", but has anyone ever asked ME what happened? No way. Why, you ask, haven't I stepped forward until now? The truth is that I'm not bitter about Cynthia's gain. I can't say that I think she deserves it, but why wouldn't I want the girl to find her happily ever after? What you need to understand is that back then things weren't the same for women as they are now. For one, I didn't have the greatest relationship with my mom. I am what the world refers to as "a woman of breeding", which really means that instead of being able to go out and play in the fields picking wildflowers, I had a strict curriculum of "womanly arts". I was forced to learn to sing, do embroidery, and learn different languages for no other reason than to be a more attractive asset once I was sold off to some man in order to heighten my family's lineage. While other girls without my responsibilities got to wear loose fitting, albeit rough textured, dresses, I had to wear corsets and drown myself in itchy, stiff, hot gowns. It's not like I had some extravagant childhood either. My father was a landowner, which did give us lots of benefits, like a hot meal every night, and silverware, and I'm not complaining about never having had to do laundry or wash dishes, but it was all glamour and glitz either. I was brought up with the full knowledge that I would never ever make decisions for myself. I would go from my father's house to some husband's house, and love wasn't even something I could consider. I wasn't even allowed to read romance books about people falling for one another, because my mother refused to allow her children to entertain such nonsense. In fact, my mother and I had quite a terrible relationship according to modern values. Women back then weren't really required to spend much time with their kids. I didn't even start eating at the table until I turned 13, and even then it was only so she could monitor my manners. The most affectionate thing she ever said to me was, "Margaret, we bring the spoon to our mouths not our mouth to the spoon." When I was 17 I was married off to a Baron named Walter. He was barely older than I was, so I counted myself lucky that I didn't have to marry an old man. All the same, Walter was just a kid himself, and after the first couple of nights we were married, he took to spending the night in another room because he liked to get up bright and early to play with his beloved horses. All that education was to make me a proper hostess when we had company. I was like a trained monkey who sang and played piano on command and was dismissed to my quarters when they had tired of me. Still, I did my duty, silently and obediently. It wasn't my fault that I only had daughters, but back then they didn't know that it wasn't the woman who determined the sex of the baby. So I was deemed a failure. Maybe I could have been a better wife to Walter, and been more inviting to the bedroom, but they didn't have things like epidurals in my day. Having kids was a dance with death, and the havoc it wreaked on my lady parts was barbaric. Could you really blame me? Walter and I were married for five years before he died. I was just 22, and had two daughters 3, and 4. For the first time in my life I was free, and I loved it. See, while women didn't really have rights back then, widows were a different story. We could own land, and spend our own money, and as Walter was the only person to inherit his fortune, and his parents were gone, it all went to me. It was the most awesome time in my life. I had the best tutors for the girls, I got to do whatever I wanted. I started reading books about love and learned how to manage my own land. My tenants were well treated and quite happy with the turn of events. I even began to travel. I went all over the place on holiday, until finally I came to Paris and met the most charming merchant, Marc. Marc was wonderful. He'd been all over the world and had the most amazing stories. He too had been widowed, and even had a daughter of his own living at his chateau in the country. He wasn't a man of title, but had his own wealth, he claimed, so I was pretty sure he wasn't after my money. It wasn't hard to fall in love with him. He was so wonderful with the girls, and told me he wished his own daughter could be more like them. He said without a proper female figure in the household his little Cynthia had unfortunately become a bit rag-tag. In hindsight, I should have asked more questions. I should have been more shrewd, considering the fact that I'd only just gained my freedom not even a year before. I guess it was a mixture of being swept of my feet and needing a little bit of direction. I didn't really know what I was supposed to do with myself, and found myself idle most of the time. I thought having a husband might give my life a little more structure, and Marc was willing to love me and let me into his life as I was. He didn't expect for me to sing or dance, or speak Latin for him. He talked to me and dreamed with me, and I fell for it hook line and sinker. We had a modest wedding attended by a priest, my girls, and one of Marc's partners. He sent word to his staff that he would be bringing a small household home with him, and within 2 weeks I arrived at his little chateau. It was so wonderfully charming! I adored it instantly. There was a decent parcel of land that was worked for produce, there was livestock, and the smell of fresh bread was heavenly after all the travel we'd been doing. I'm sure we looked quite absurdly overdressed in silks and taffeta on such a rural plot, but the truth is my girls and I didn't own anything else. We tried to be warm to everyone we met, and perhaps the girls were a bit more stand-offish, not really having a say in this sudden transplanted life, but all in all we weren't at all cold or mean or snobbish, the way the story says. The moment I met little Cynthia I fell in love. My daughters were of sturdy stock, which was apparent even when they were young. Their features were harsh and while I love them tenderly, and believe them to be beautiful in their own rights, they could never have been fawned over for their looks. Cynthia, on the other hand, despite her modest clothes, the soot that stained her face, and the rats nest of hair that someone had attempted to tame for my arrival, was the most angelic little creature I'd ever laid eyes upon. She had the most elegant bone structure with a flawlessly delicate angles and eyes that sparkled like crystal. Had she not been covered in muck I would have taken her into my arms and covered her peachy skin with kisses. Instead she reached out ever so gracefully and said "how do you do, Baroness," before kicking me in the shin and running off. Understandably, my expectations were dashed by this kind of welcome, but I allowed Marc to comfort me. I agreed that she just needed to get used to my presence. He and I would be home for several months before he had to travel again on business, and by then we'd be the happiest family France had ever seen. Of course, you know already, that's not how it went at all. Marc suffered some sort of heart failure the next day, and took away the last bit of happiness I would ever have. I grieved for a full week. I couldn't bring myself to eat. All I could do was weep until I fell into a slumber and then I would wake up and weep some more. It wasn't until my eldest daughter came to my chamber wearing the same dress she wore the day Marc died, her hair in knots, and her fingernails encrusted with filth that I realized I needed to snap out of it. My girls needed a mother, and this house needed management, and I was not going to let them down. So here is where the story starts to really villainize me. They say that I treated Cynthia cruelly. They say that I made her clean tirelessly whereas my daughters got everything they wanted. Well, let me tell you that is the biggest load I've ever heard, pardon my language. First of all, I got to work getting the girls cleaned up. I did things in age order so it wouldn't seem unfair. Brunhilda, my eldest, went first, then Cynthia, than Drusilda (please don't remind me about their names, I had nothing to do with it. They were named after Walter's mother and grandmother much to my own horror). I had them bathed, their fingernails cut, and their hair combed out and brushed 100 times. I even had Cynthia dressed in one of Hilda's best silks, just so she could feel special. Well, by the time I'd finished with Drusilda, I couldn't find Cynthia anywhere. We searched the house to find the girl reading a book by the fireplace, with her dress already stained and a long smear of soot across her forehead. "Oh, my dear little Cindergirl," I exclaimed. My memory of that moment is filled with gladness that she could read already, than anger. In fact I was trying to hold back chuckles, as we mothers often do when we find ourselves having to parent a child that has done something wrong which amuses us. "What shall we do with you? Back to the bath you go." I pretended to scold, and took her upstairs to clean her once more in punishment. That was only to be the beginning of a long life of struggle with the girl. I tried to get her to sit quietly with the tutors as I had done, but she would only cause trouble. I can't even count how many teachers she would run off with her terrible tricks. After she put a hot coal on her Latin tutors seat, did I begin to do what any other parent would have done. I tried to discipline the girl's mischief. Now, I don't believe in beatings the way my parents did, but I wasn't above giving the girl tasks around the house which I monitored like a tyrant. It is true, she had to scrub floors and empty chamber pots, but had she decided to behave herself she would have been educated like my own daughters were. My girls weren't angels either, and they could tell you about their own adventures in shoveling manure in the stable, but you don't hear about that in the stories now do you? No all you hear about is how poor, poor Cynthia was made to be a slave. No one cares that the girl was a willful rebellious brat. The only thing I could get her interested in was dancing and singing, and she was absolutely rewarded for excelling in those areas, although you must understand that when a child is so determined to be a terror those rewards don't seem as extravagant as the ones bestowed upon my daughters. She was uninterested in the gowns I had made for the girls, instead she chose to sit and read by the fire, which is how she got her nickname, Cinderella, and it wasn't one that was given to her in malice at all. It was an affectionate term I used for her during the sweet moments at bedtime when she let me stroke her golden hair. Time didn't wear her down either. She only learned to become more devious. She would escape her lessons to spend time in the stables with the stable boy, who was only after what was under her skirts. As a teenager she began to weave the most incredible lies about where she'd been, telling me she'd been picking flowers when a bear came upon her and she ran into the woods and got lost, all while standing before me with straw in her hair. I can't say I was the most pleasant mother to her, but no parent in the world could blame me. I was tired and exhausted and exasperated, and I didn't have any self-help books to guide me. I only did what I could to reign the girl in, and that tended to be housework. When the invitation to the royal ball arrived, I certainly did agree to allow the girls, even Cinderella, to go, so long as they took care of their responsibilities. I didn't even require Cynthia to attend her lessons, instead I told her that she needed to make sure she cleaned the floors in the hall. Now, there is this nonsense in the storybooks about a fairy godmother and the beautiful dress which is total poppycock. I had the dress made for her, to match the color of her eyes, and had shoes made to accommodate her very strangely sized feet, which were almost the size of a child's, a phenomenon that puzzled even the most educated doctors we could find. I hid the dress in my armoire to surprise her with on the day of the ball, but instead of completing her chores I discovered her in a very compromising dalliance with that wretched stable boy. What would it have looked like if I had allowed her to go? My own girls on the other hand had finished their lessons, and had ensured I would have no excuse to deny them. I considered staying behind to keep an eye on Cinderella, but, in all honesty, I hadn't experienced this level of extravagance since the days that I was married to Walter. A woman deserves a night out. Sure I could have sent another chaperone with the girls, but that would have meant a sacrifice for myself, when I'd spent years alone managing my home, and my girls without a night off for myself. I hadn't even taken tea with someone since Marc died. I deserved a night! There was truth in the idea that the Prince was looking for a wife, but in those days a peasant couldn't very well marry a prince. However, since I'd been married to a Baron once, my girls, and Cynthia, were allowed to attend. Which was very exciting. The ball was lavish, even for me. I'd never seen such a variety of delicacies in one place. I was awestruck by the evening. Of course, I'd had a mother's hope that one of my girls would strike the Prince's fancy, but I was aware of the realities of their physical natures. My business there was of enjoyment of the evening's festivities, and perhaps to negotiate a union with some other nobility for the girls, if I got lucky enough. When Cynthia arrived at the ball, I must have looked terribly upset. It wasn't just that she'd been punished and disobeyed me, she'd also broken into my locked armoire for the dress and shoes, and convinced the stable boy to steal a carriage from our closest neighbor to take her there. Of course, she'd later tell people that some magic had turned a pumpkin into a carriage, but no one really believed her. She did, however, look like an angel. I'd never seen her so clean and put together. I was impressed at her charm with the Prince, and was much too proud to make a scene at the ball. It was all I could do to get the girls not to run over to her and ruin her moment. They were, naturally, jealous of how beautiful she looked with little more than a dress to augment her appearance, whereas they had tied ribbons into their hair and worn their favorite picks from my jewels. At some point, and I can't say for certain it was actually midnight, because these balls lasted long into the night and often into the morning, Cinderella did, without explanation, run off in a fright leaving one of her adorable little shoes behind on the steps. The shoe was not made of glass, but instead had a tiny jewel in the front toe, meant as a gift to her for doing well with her chores. The Prince did clutch this shoe as if had been a tiny darling of his. However, there was no weeks long search for his beloved. Instead, at the end of the evening I informed one of his groomsmen that the owner of that shoe lived in my house, and could be visited upon the following day. I said nothing to Cinderella when we arrived home. Frankly, I was tired and a little drunk from all the fine wine I'd had. The only cruel thing I did was not to tell the girl that the Prince, or some representative of his, would be visiting the next day. I set the staff to prepare the house for guests, and I went to rest for a few hours. When the Prince and his entourage arrived at our modest little home, I was beside myself with excitement. Our little Cynthia would become his bride. It was more than I could have imagined for her, and for us. In my mind it was a slight prank on the girl, who would soon enter a palace. I thought she would perceive it as a tsk-tsking for breaking the rules, stealing a carriage, and breaking into my room, which I was no longer even upset about since she'd successfully wooed the PRINCE OF FRANCE. I'm not even sure you could understand the awe I was in that day. I mean, things like this don't just happen to people. What luck that willful little girl had! In the end however, Cynthia was so afraid that she was being hauled off somewhere that she locked herself in the upstairs storage room. I was mortified, of course, because the Prince was beginning to get annoyed that the girl wouldn't come down, and saw it as a trick to get him to visit my own daughters privately. He was just about to leave when Cynthia's curiosity got the better of her, and upon seeing the Prince she bounded down the stairs. It wasn't the fairy tale moment you heard about either. The girl was dressed in servant's clothes. He was so magnanimous that these things didn't matter. In fact I was the one who had to bring down the dress she'd worn. I had to show him the partner to the shoe he held so dear. I did try the one he had on my daughters to illustrate the strange anomaly of Cynthia's foot size, before putting it on the girl herself, and I had to show him the papers which proved that I'd been married to a Baron, before he was even willing to speak to her. Only then did he laugh and take her in his arms and lead her away to her happily ever after. I don't know why people are so willing to believe that a stepmother is any less loving and proud of her stepdaughter. Sure, I didn't have that bodily connection with her, but had been made from my beloved, Marc, and I had a duty to her. I won't lie and say that I wouldn't have preferred one of my daughters marry a Prince, but I certainly would never have held Cynthia back without reasons. The truth is that I worked harder and more tirelessly with her than either of my own girls. I bribed, and begged, and yelled, and screamed, and pleaded, and cried more over that girl than both of mine combine. But because I wasn't her "real" mother, because she didn't come from me, SHE never loved ME. I guess that is the lot in life we take on when we marry a man with children. We have to be the grown ups and let horror stories be told about the mothers we were. We suffer in silence, finding respite only in the truths we know. I'm not trying to say we're perfect, just that, these stepkids aren't either.
I have to say I read the whole magazine in a few hours, every month I gobble up all the great articles and do a little soul searching. This month two articles really hit it for me are How and Why to Stop Blaming Yourself for Stepfamily Strife by Wednesday Martin, Ph. D. (the author of the wonderful book Stepmonster) and The Terrible Plight of the Childless Stepmotherby Mark Kelly-Williams M.A. Both women are stepmothers and both women have their own children. Mary merged her own family with her husband and Wednesday had a child with her husband, but they both seem to get it. First, Wednesday’s article really hit a cord with me. One point she made was the fact that there might be nothing that the stepmother may be doing or not doing that makes the child reject or dislike her. One part of it is loyalty binds. If mom says it is okay to like and/or (gasp) love the Stepmom then things seem to go a lot easier. The child does not act out to make you the bad guy. All adults act like adults to raise a child. Another part of the struggle is coming into a family with a tween. The child was not at the age where she could accept another adult in her life, which was fine with me. I was the wife, not the Stepmom. I got it; don’t try to parent her except when what she did affected me. I did that, and it ended up reverting to case on, she could not accept it because she was in the bind. Another strike is the fact that hubby was not always a stand up parent; you can’t be when your partner undermines your parenting at every turn. Yes, a lot of it is his fault for not standing up for himself, and it just caused tension and hell for the family afterwards. The child was mad she got called on her crap, why, because dad was never “allowed” to do it before even when it bothered him, but he started when he was a single parent. And guess what, it started BEFORE we married and BEFORE we were a couple. Not to the consistence it happened when we did get married, but it did happen.
As for the other article, it cemented my feelings. In the beginning hubby and the child would do so many things together that they use to do and they were use to doing alone, so I was the one left out. I would be told this was happening and had no voice. If I didn’t want to do it then I got left behind. If I wanted to do something I had to wait. We went to Disneyland together and there was one thing I wanted to do, just one thing. In the 5 days we were there it was the last day and I had a breakdown, as we had done EVERYTHING the child had wanted to do and I kept getting put off. Even the things hubby wanted to do got done, but the both “forgot” about what I wanted to do. Every single time we went to do what I wanted to do the child side tracked her dad into doing something else, since it was close. When I tried to do that she just took off to do what she wanted. It actually took her going off with her friends for me to do what I wanted to do. As Mary says, “While stepparenting is a truly thankless job, I think being a childless Stepmom wins the ‘Most Thankless and Most One-Sided Job Award.’”
Fear is a great motivator. In people fear usually puts them in a flight of fight mode, but what if you can’t fight or run? As a Stepmom I have figured out that my greatest fear is my hubby would choose his daughter’s lies over what he knew was going on. I knew I would be facing loyalty binds, I knew I would face TM doing everything she could to ruin any relationship I had with the child, what I didn’t know was the child would choose the easy path of hating me and making sure I knew I was hated. I had hear horror stories of Stepmoms not able to handle the hate, Stepmoms that are in therapy because of the trauma caused by the stepkids actions, I heard horror stories of marriages breaking up because of the stress. I didn’t want to be a horror story and I was afraid. I was afraid to stand up to a 14 year old girl because I loved my husband so much I didn’t want his love for me to turn to hate. You can’t live your life in fear. Now I am clinically depressed and have anxiety attacks at moments. There are days where I really don’t want to get out of bed and weekends where I sleep for 12-14 hours and it takes all I can to get out of bed. There are days where I can’t stop crying for no good reason. I cry because something sad happens in cartoons. The movie Bolt, yes, I cried when the dog was being sweet, how sad is that?! There are days where my heart is pumping so hard in my chest I think it might just pump right out and I’m afraid to go to the store on the off chance I might see the child and her mother (I have never ran into either of them, but this is the extent of my fear).
So now the child doesn’t come over anymore and I am afraid of what will happen when she decides to come back. I know I can’t live with this fear, it is not good for me or my marriage, and slowly I am opening up to hubby about what is going on. Last night we were driving and he asked why I was angry. I wasn’t angry, that I knew, but once I got talking I found I was angry. I was angry because of the mess his child left in the house that I was cleaning up. I was angry because I worked side by side with him on the child’s room to make it a nice safe place for her and here I was doing all the work again (yes, he offered to help) and finding things written on the walls and other things damaged and broken. A freaking expensive faucet that was in the bathroom is broken and needs to be replaced and it’s only 2 years old. I explained that I trusted him to stay on top of his daughter, I trusted him to watch over her and to make sure she was doing what she was suppose to be doing. I trusted him to teach her respect and watch over her so she wasn’t damaging the home. I blasted him because of the fact that he raised her to be like that. It was his fault and TM’s fault and my fault was not standing up for myself. My new realization, I don’t want the child in my home that I share with my husband until she is sorry for what she does and she works to repair the relationship. I am willing to forgive, but I won’t forget. The child will have to accept responsibility for her actions and accept the consequences for those actions.
As of this coming Wednesday it's been a full 4 weeks since hubby has talked to or even seen the child. Since that time I have almost cleaned out and repainted the room she was staying in. Since that time I have also found, written on the walls, "I hate Stepmom!!" I get it. The child hates me. The child also does not respect her father enough not to deface the walls in his home. I want her out of my house, as in all the pictures and crap that is in my home reminding me of the little b*tch that she is, reminding me of the hurt and pain she has caused me. Yes, she does this because she has been poisoned by her mother, but why take it out on the person that has been on your side. Why not take it out on the person that hurt you, your mother and father. Why, because stepmom is the easy target. Stepmom can be trashed and if she leaves who really cares. I get that, but why do I have to have the reminders in my home? I know a lot of people will disagree with me and tell me that hubby has a right to have the pictues up that remind him of happy times, but what about my rights? Maybe I will get stickers and put them over her face. I mean I get that she is listening to her mom and she wants to believe her mom at all costs, but there does come a point in time in a person's life where it's not okay to act out on what someone else said. She's not mature, she's not smart, she's the bane of my existance right now. I know, I need to step back and let it go, which is why I haven't acted out because I would be acting out of anger and I would be no better then the child. I want to, the hurt in me wants to act out and hurt just like I was hurt. But enough already!
Anyone who has raised a teen or have been around teenagers knows that teenagers are a rare breed. They are at the age where they think they know everything and lash out at their parents, their teachers, and anyone else they think needs to back the hell off and let them live their life. Unless you are their best friend as a parent you are usually told things that make you feel like crap. Now, being a stepmom in this situation means you need to get everything that makes you happy and bunker down, you are in for a long hard road (in most cases).
Power struggles I have been faced with are the ones I will be talking about. "You can't make me, I make my own decisions." I love this little power struggle. We, as parents, cannot make a child do anything, not really. We can have consequences to actions but we cannot physically make a child do chores or homework or participate in counseling. One situation was the fact that we knew that SD needed (and still does need) counseling. We picked a counselor, met with her, brought SD to meet with her. SD was in counseling for a few weeks and we met with the counselor again. Guess what, the counselor said it was a waste of time and money. SD was telling her what she wanted to hear but wasn't being honest with her or herself. So SD proved us wrong, we could not make her get better. All we could do was force her to go, not participate.
"If you love me you will do this." I love that line. If you love me you will buy me these jeans that cost $300. If you love me this and that. When did love become conditional with parents and children? Teenagers from this generation seem to have this idea that parents have to prove their love to them. I really believe that it is due to how these children are parented and the parents that fall into that trap. I have one stepmom that's in a sitation that SD wants dad to move across the country to be by her and leave stepmom behind. Really!!! If dad loves the child he will leave his wife. When did that become okay? I understand that some power strugges are normal in teenagers, but really, who the hell would think things like this would happen? Things that I have heard from other stepmom's, I want to see you but I don't want stepmom there, in her own freaking house!!
One thing that we did was the child had a master suite room in our house. Hubby gave her this room when his brother was still living in the house so she didn't have to share a bathroom with a grown man. That was okay. He then spent about $3000 buying things that she wanted in the bathroom, a nice sink and a faucet that he didn't even want. A light for her room and curtains that she wanted (that I sewed to make work) and various other crap and that does not include the cost of things we needed to buy for the room, like the flooring and new toilet and such. So when hubby finally reached his limit with the lying and crap he said fine, you have just lost your room. And guess what, then the child didn't want to come over ever again. Because she had consequences she didn't want to face. So fine, hubby is done with the crap and he agreed. No more power stuggles with a child that won't tell her dad that she loves him back and won't call or text him anymore. He is not her father according to her. I just wish we didn't have to pay child support anymore.
