When did being a parent change to being a friend?

I’ve been thinking long and hard about this. When did being a dad mean losing your testicles and giving them to your children? When did becoming a mom mean turning in your self worth for what your child thinks of you? In my generation everything was about taking care of your kids and taking care of yourself, working one or two jobs, both parents working, the kids were latch-key kids and they had chores to do to help mom and dad, since mom and dad had to work to support the family. I didn’t have one friend that didn’t have a job when they turned 16. I didn’t have one friend that got a car paid for by their parents or had their insurance paid for by their parents unless the kid was taking his brothers and sisters to school and being transportation for the family. We didn’t yell and scream at our parents for not getting our way; we just found a way to do it. If it meant saving up from a job, that is what we did. No one expected crap from their parents, we basically raised ourselves. Yes, we had expectations from our parents, but we meet those head on. Everything was a challenge to be met, a mountain to climb, an adventure; it was me against the world. My generation made its mistakes and we got into trouble, but all in all, the 80’s and 90’s were a pretty good time to grow up.

Now I look at the same people I grew up with, letting their children run the house hold, they accept yelling and door slamming from their children. They accept their children calling them assholes and bitches. They accept their children laying a guilt trip on them. They don’t hold their kids accountable for their actions. They don’t have expectations for their children. This generation gives prizes for a child that just shows up to compete and is in last place. We are now raising a generation (the y-generation, as in why not me) to expect to be given everything in life and to expect not to have to work for what you want. They cry, they complain, they have no idea what the world is really like. Some of them have made it to the workplace where I work. They want to know why they are expected to work. They want to know why, it the job requires overtime, they have to stay and finish a job. They want to know why they aren’t being paid more, and they want to know, when the boss finally gets tired of them, why they are fired. We have had to update polices to include no personal text messaging on company time because this generation doesn’t understand it is not proper business etiquette. We have to explain to the new employees that jeans are not part of business causal attire. I’ve had to explain that you do not answer a phone with, “Yeah, what.” All I can say is wow; I want my mommy and daddy. J

My how times have changed

This weekend I started to think about the things going on in my home and I started to wonder when things had changed so very much. You see, I am a child of divorce, just like my step daughter. My dad married again when I was about 7 and divorced again when I was about 9, moving my brother and I to a whole different neigherhood and to a different school. Things were hard on me, as a child, because I had no friends at this school and I am a very interverted person, so my shyness was mistaken for being a snob and I had a HARD time making friends, to the point I got chased home from school by bullies until I learned to fight, then I was in a fight every week for a few months until I proved myself. Then I became the tough girl, no one and nothing could hurt me. I just didn't care, I tried to make friends (and I made a few VERY close friends) but if you weren't a part of my life then I didn't care that you existed. I didn't care what people thought, except for my few close friends, so I did my own thing. The difference was at home, I was a totally different person at home, I wasn't tough, I didn't talk back, I was the "perfect" child. I did my homework (graduated with a 3.82 GPA) I did all my chores and I did them right the first time, thanks to dad not being soft on me at all, if it wasn't right I would continue to do it until I got it right. By the age of 12 my brother and I were doing laundry for the family, cooking dinner, and cleaning the house, while maintaining a high GPA and getting academic awards left and right, my brother got way more awards then I did, he is and will always be a brain. :) I never thought my dad didn't love me because he was strict or gave me chores to earn money to buy what I wanted. You see, my dad was fair, yes, we cleaned and cooked and did everything to make the house run, and for that we recieved $20 a month (not a lot by today's standards but to us it was a whole lot of money). $20 a month to help make my dad's life easier and to make it so when he came home he didn't have to do it and we can go have fun. My dad played softball on Thursdays and that was our night out to have fun, dad didn't make us pay for the games we played or the things we did that night, it was an added bonus and his way of thanking us for our hard work. I NEVER yelled at my dad or slammed doors. I never tired to make him feel guilty for our lot in life or for the fact that he got divorced. My dad wouldn't have put up with it if I did. When he remarried when I was 16 things changed again, but that's a different posting.
So the child is 14 and doesn't believe she has to do a damn thing in the house, including treating others with respect. She demands that we respect her, but she won't give it back. When I look at the things she gets to get away with and how my life was I wonder, when did raising kids become kids telling the adults what to do?

My Own Crap

Today I've been thinking a lot about my own crap. Last night, after I got home, I started looking around and figuring out square footage of rooms and other stuff. I was working myself into a state. When hubby came home I pounced, man did I pounce. He finally said STOP!!! Let me relax for 5 minutes before you start dumping on me. Me, big eyes and wow, just wow. I said I was sorry, he was right, I needed to let him come home and get changed and relax before I started throwing ideas at him. So I went and sat down and practically bounced, waiting for him to say okay, I can deal with this now. I went over the reasons why the child has the master suite (master suite because it has it's own full bath while our has a half bath). His reasoning, because she always has had that room. His reasoning was he didn't want her to have to share with two men (Brother in law and hubby), and the floor needs to be reinforced in order to take the weight of his bed. Okay, so I asked what was his plan when we reinforced the floor. His plan was always let her have the room. Why I asked. Because she has always had that room. I told him that we shouldn't try to improve her behavior because she's always been a rude bitch. He didn't like that so we went back and forth. He said I wasn't being logical and I said neither was he, just because something has been done a certain way or a person has been in a room for almost two years (yes, that is her ALWAYS having that room) that doesn't mean things can't change. I told him that she has been a bitch to me for 3 years so should I just accept she is a bitch to me? Anyway, he finally saw the light and told me that he actually knew the room was better for us (it has a bigger closet and my clothes are currently hanging in another room) and the fact is since the child is with us 6 days a month it is to much for a child. Here's where my own crap comes in. I had to share a bathroom my whole life with other people, and as the adult and the one paying the freaking bills, if anyone gets their own bathroom it should be the adults. Yes, my own jealousy over the fact that I am the adult and I have to share while the child in the house, and not a respectful responsible child, gets to have a bathroom she shares with no one and a shower my husband bought because he loves the shower, but he doesn't get to use it. I'm sorry, NO CHILD WILL RULE MY HOUSE. So hopefully hubby sticks to his guns and actually tells the child that the room is off limits and we will reinforce it and move into the room. And if we don't that's okay, at least hubby can use the shower he paid for and use that bathroom and I don't have to share. :)

Grow some balls and be a parent

Yes, you read that right, that is what my father said last night to me regarding some of the issues we are having at home to tell hubby. Now, I wasn't let off easy either. I will post most of our conversation, I'm still processing some of it, but it helped to hear these things from a parent that raised two teenage girls, and one was a stepdaughter with a wife much like my husband.
So I call my dad to tell him about the conversation hubby and I had with the child and I got an ear full. First he tells me that rude behavior is stopped by ending the conversation or ignoring the child. Yes, that's right, say no and if you continue to whine and cry the answer to the next thing you want will be no. We can have a conversation, but the conversation will be what you will do to earn what you want, not why I am unfair or why I won't give you what you want. Yes, I remember those conversations with my dad, and he NEVER backed down if I was rude or crying. Dad said tell her to go to her room and not to come out until she can be civil and respectful, end of story. So I asked about what to do to stop the rudeness when my husband doesn't say anything or do anything. He told me it was my responsibility to my husband and to the child to tell her to knock it off. Step in and be an adult. WOW!!! He said that if hubby didn't back me 100% with a yeah, don't talk to me like that, then I get to tell hubby to shut up and don't complain that your child is disrespectful to you. Basically, everything that the books and websites tell you not to do my dad said is the only way a step parent can combat such an extreme case like I have in my home. Dad also said that if she doesn't want to come over then she doesn't need to come over, it's not that much of a loss. Oh, and my dad does adore the child and treats her just like he treats his bio-grandchild. Daddy also asked what I was afraid of, the child already hates me and I've done everything "right" so what do I have to lose. She doesn't come over, so what. Hubby gets upset because I'm to hard on his child, so what, I've been easy and see where that gets me. The child hates me, so what, she already hates me. Basically, I have nothing to lose. If hubby wants to get divorced then that's his issue. Basically, hubby needs to grow some balls and be a parent. He needs to get over his guilt from the divorce or go ahead and divorce me and go back to TM.
My dad had a bad year health wise last year and almost lost his life. It was touch and go for a few days, during which I was a total mess. He is done with the playing games and crap, now he tells it how it is, and if you don't like it then don't ask and don't complain. I have to say...I love my daddy.

The Calm After The Storm

So last night was the first time Sd has been over for a week (YEAH!!). Hubby wanted to go to Costco, I wanted to wait because I hate hate hate shopping with the child. Usually she reverts to a 5 year old, sitting in the cart, wanting this and wanting that, saying well mom bought me this and that and you need to buy this for me because I need it. So I was already on edge when we were driving to pick her up. Hubby made a good point and honestly our week nights are booked, so I put on my big girl panties and agreed. We get to TM's house and hubby calls the child to tell her we are there, we wait 10 minutes and she finally arrives. She gets into the truck, no word to me or hubby, but she is all over the dogs. Now, hubby and I have an agreement, if she acts like that and it's an overnight she still comes over (to the dungeon) but if she acts like that and it's a 2 1/2 hour visit she stays at her mom's house. I looked over at hubby and he just rolls his eyes and smiles. So shopping was a joy, I'm not being sarcastic. DH didn't let the child interupt our conversations and he didn't let her go on about what her mom buys. He said things like, that's nice, good for your mom, I don't want that in my house or he just plain ignored her. She got a little huffy but he stuck to his guns. I was walking tall next to him, really proud. So we get to the truck and start unloading, the child just jumps in and hubby tells her to get her butt out of the truck and start helping. WOW!! Of course she does as she is asked, she knows when it's allowed to act up and when it's not.
So we get home and she almost runs to her room, she's going to take a shower. 20 minutes later I turn the hot water off and I let hubby know I did this, she's already done with her shower (shoot!!) but stays in her room for another 40 minutes. Hubby and I are eating dinner and talking (whispering really). It got to the point where I told him that if we don't have the talk that I was done. He would not be allowed to complain about her attitude or her actions to me any longer. If he didn't want to take her to task for her rudeness and bringing me into their conversations, like she's on equal footing as I am, then I was done being a sounding board. Basically, put up or shut up. He said he was just waiting to have the talk.
We get done with dinner and hubby knocks on her door, "what!" "Come out, we need to talk." "What!" Finally she comes out and hubby starts in with her about her rudeness in her text messages in which she responded that she didn't think she was rude at all. I wanted to get my part done, so I walk into the room and said, "hold on, first let's talk about you involving me in this situation." I asked if she thinks we are on the same level, she said no, I asked if she thinks I need to ask hubby for permission to do things, she said no, I asked if she thinks she's an adult, she said no, I asked if she thinks I'm the child, she said no, I said who is he, pointing to hubby, she said my dad, I asked who else is he, blank face, I said, my husband, he is not my father, I have a father and I don't even have to ask my father if I can do things, that is the joy of being an adult. I asked who she thinks pay for my things and my fun, blank face, hubby said that I pay for my things and I play for my fun. I said that I'm the one who works for what I want, no one just gives me what I want, I am not a child. We got alot of "'okay" in that snarky teenage tone (anyone with teenagers or anyone who has been around rude teenagers knows the tone). Hubby said what do you need to say to stepmom, blank face, he said, how about I'm sorry for involving you in this, she said, fine sorry (rolling eyes and snarky tone). Here is where I turned into my father. "That tone of voice and eye rolling is not acceptable in this house" hubby started in with the tone and I noticed that she is getting ready to cry, I asked, do you even care? She said no, here is where hubby had it, he said, "fine, go to your room and this is the last night you will have that room, you are being moved!" The child said she didn't care.
Hubs and I went on to watch a movie and have a nice night, or as nice at it could be. I'm sorry, but I couldn't stop smerking and had to stop myself from laughing and smiling.
This morning on my way to take her to school, which we left 15 minutes early so I could get to work on time, I told her that if she would work on getting good grades and not being disrespectful she could have the things she wants within reason. I told her that life is hard and the only reason her mom, her dad, and I get to do the things we want to do is because we work for it. Life is full of choices and consequences of those choices and now she gets to live with the consequences of her actions. That she has a decision to make, either keep up her actions and attitude and continue on this path or make a change, no one could make her, but we can make it harder on her to continue on that path. I said that the next time she is at our house she needs to leave the attitude at home and she needs to fake it until she makes it if she even wants a chance to earn her room back. She actually said thank you when I dropped her off. Hubby said that she knows what is best for her and being rude to me would not work to her advantage. Yes, she is a smart kid and knows how to work people. All in all, I'm pretty proud and happy with how things went. Now to wait and see if it continues. We don't have the child this weekend, hubby traded with TM because her aunt is in town this weekend. So 3 weekends with no child and then 3 weekends with. I hope hubby is on board with moving SD's crap this weekend. :)
I can say thing about everything, I was okay if hubby didn't want to talk about the text messages or rudeness to him, but I was not okay with lettting the child get away with bring me into the situation or with her thinking we were on the same level. When we were shopping she was talking to her mom, and the tone made me want to slap her, like she's the adult telling her mom what to do, but I just shut my trap and tried to ignore it. If her mom allows her to talk to her that way that's her mom's problem, but the child WILL NOT talk to me like that! The child also knows that if she doesn't say thank you I won't do things anymore, had she not said thank you this morning she knows for a fact that would be the very last time I drove her to school, agreement or not, it is up to her mom and dad to get her to school unless she appreciates the extra I do. All in all I'm really happy with my life today.

So I was Thinking

So hubby and I had a talk last night about the fact that I'm his mom when it comes to parenting. He did see my point and agreed. So now what? From what he said he feels that I am the one he goes to for help in the parenting arena, he wants to bounce ideas off of me and see what I think. He believes that I have a different side, as we were raised VERY differently, and I am a stepchild myself. He was so use to counting on TM to be a parent (there is a whole back story on this but since it is their story I don't feel right telling it from an outsiders point of view) that he never thought of things like safety or what the impact of the decision would make on the child's future. So now, here I am, someone that leans on her parents for advice because they have raised teenagers, and I take that advice. Yes, I call my stepmom for advice and I listen to her!!! So the fact of the matter is I'm okay with him bouncing thing off of me, he is right, I do have different thoughts and ideas. I was also raised very strict and I turned out just fine. I'm not like most kids, I think my dad may have been a little to strict, but I understand that it was for my own good. I am the person I am to day because I've had to work for things, I've had to earn my way, and I'm happy that I'm where I am today because of MY choices, the good and the bad. I feel that my dad didn't make the best choices where I was concerned, but the world doesn't revolve around me (I guess it takes growing up to figure that out) and as a teenager I feel that I knew the world didn't revolve around me, but I had my own little world that I could affect. Talking to my dad, he agrees that I was a moody know it all teenager and those years were hard, but I NEVER disrespected him or other adults. His word was the law and I spent most of my time finding the loop holes in his arguments. Yes this is what he said, but he didn't say I couldn't do this so this is what I'm doing. When I got caught braking the rules I knew I broke the rules and dealt with the consequences. I didn't blame my dad for me breaking the rules. This is something that drives me crazy. The child, when she is caught breaking the rules blames hubby or I for MAKING her break the rules. When she got caught sneaking out and not coming home until 4 in the morning she blamed her dad for it, saying he said it was okay. He didn't say it was okay and then it turned to well TM knows she sneaks out all the time and TM just gets over it. Yes, TM doesn't care if you sneak out because she is usually out with her boyfriend, according to the child, so she never knows if you are home or not. Yes, that is the kind of parent you want now, as a teenager, but when something happens you will be happy you had structure and boundries at our home. I can say that I've never met a single person that was happy that their parents allowed them freedom and allowed them to get into trouble and bailed them out. Most of the children I meet that had permissive parents tell me that they wished their parents were more strict, then they would know their parents cared and loved them. Most adults, when they were the kids who got into trouble and their parents just got over it, feel that their parents just didn't care if they lived or died and they don't have the relationship I have with my dad now.
Anyways, I guess the point of this was the fact that I've been thinking of what to do. I don't want to be "mom" to my husband when it comes to the parenting of the child, but I don't mind him bouncing things off of me. I really don't like the fact that he doesn't think of the things that I think of, like safety and the future consequences of certain actions, until I bring these things up. I guess I have a hard time knowing the consequences of the parenting that TM and hubby are doing could ruin the child's life. How can I be a good person and let that happen? My own ethical code and morals tell me to step in, don't let it happen. But then the other side is the fact that she is not my child and I'm not ultimatly responsible for her parent's actions. I would step in and tell a friend they were crazy for thinking of allowing their child to do something and I step in when I see hubby doing it. If I would do it for a friend I do it for my husband. I have a friend that has children with a man that lives by me and when I'm visiting her I sometimes take the kids to their dad's house, to save her the gas and time. I don't have to do it, but I do it because she is my friend and she appreciates me, and it gives me extra time with the kids, who I adore (even though we are not related I am still auntie). I do more for those kids then I do for my stepchild, mostly because of the appreciation, love, and respect I get back, but it makes it hard to know where to draw the line in the step family relationship. So tonight I am having a talk with the child about her respect towards me and what is acceptable and not acceptable in the family home. In addition, hubby will have a seperate talk about the whole Hawaii thing. I plan on recording my talk so I can go through it and make sure I have all my points that I want to address and I'm going grocery shopping during hubby's talk. Oh well, if she hates me then that's fine, I'm already hated by her. :)

Am I really Mommy?

Man, I had the best weekend with the girls!!! I have to say, if you are ever able to get away for a girls weekend, run, don't walk, to the nearest computer to book your trip. We are already trying to get together soon again. I didn't miss being a stepmom or wife one bit. One thing that the gals did talk to me about is the fact that it seems that my relationship with hubby is more of I'm his mommy type of relationship. Like he has mommy issues and I'm filling her shoes. Hubby's mom has passed away, about 7 years ago, and she was the ultimate mom from what sister-in-law says and from the pictures I see. She took care of everything and the kids could always count on her. I do a lot, from laundry, to cooking, grocery shopping, everything to make things run smoothly here. I don't mind doing it for hubby, as he does things for me, but it seems like he counts on me to call him out when things are not going well with his daughter. One friend told me that she has two parents and neither one acts like a parent and the only person that acts like a parent is me, the non-parent. I told that to hubby and he laughed and said that without me he would be a shitty parent. He can't tell his daughter no. Me, I have no problem telling people no, especially now. So now I'm looking at our relationship and thinking about the fact that I may be letting him off the parenting hook by doing things for him. It really is a work in progress. Oh, and my dad did say I'm a bit of a mother, with him and my brother, ever since I was a little girl. Talk about cruelties of fate, a mommy born but never a real mommy to be. So, for my own sanity I get to watch and wait a little to see how not to be mom and how to be me. WOW!!! Who ever thought all this would come out when I joined a step family?
Stay tuned for tomorrow's update, when the child comes home for the night and has to face the consequences of her actions this last week. Should be a good one. Night all and have a wonderful evening.

Being a parent

So all hell broke loose Thursday night. It started the night before with hubby about the child, the 14 year old daughter that wanted to go to Hawaii with a 14 year old boy and his parents, for only $325 from dad. TM would pay half if he would pay half. Now everyone doesn't know the whole story regarding the history, but this child doesn't turn in homework and doesn't have the grades dad requires and that's a lot of money, but according to sd, it's not that much. You know what, when I read some of the text messages she sent her dad, the man I love, the man that stands right by me and is my partner, I wanted to slap her so hard. You don't want him to be your dad, to freaking bad. He makes you life hell, well you don't make things easy for us. And she compaired herself to me. Wth?? So you know what, she wants to do everything I get to do she can work and do everything I do. So I'm still out of town at this point so I tell hubby to just forward me the text messages so I can see the line of thinking and to see if I can dig his a$$ out of the hole he just dug. He sends me the second half of the text messages and I'm fuming because he is catering to her. Here is the transcribed text messages with my thoughts:
SD: Can you pay for half of a round trip for me to go to Hawaii? Please!!!
SD: Nevermind.
DH: Lols. When r we going?
SD: I was going to go with 14 YOB family. But that is when Aunt is coming.
DH: Hawaii or family? I'd .... (#1, she just said she was going with a 14 year old boy and his family, red flag anyone?)
SD: What do you mean?
DH: I'd go to Hawaii (Why would you tell your daughter to go to Hawaii with a 14 year old boy?)
SD: With me and 14 YOB?
DH: Yes. Does 14 YOB have a sister?
SD: His mom is going. (Here I would ask, anyone else, just him and his mom)
DH: I was wondering if u r the girl 14 YOB’s mom doesn't have
SD: I am. Mom is still thinking about me going, so can you think about giving me half for the plane ticket. That is all i need. But i need to know soon
DH: So how much is half? (NO, I don't think it's a good idea for you to go to Hawaii with a 14 year old boy, end of story, no more text messages!)
SD: Around 20
DH: I can do 20 dollars
SD: I meant 200...sorry
DH: Oh 200. Let me think on that. When do u need to know?
SD: Friday at the latest
DH: I will let u know Thursday
SD: Kay, thanks:)
DH: Np Good night.
SD: Love you:) (Sucking up much!)
DH: Luv u
SD: It looks like the tickets are going to cost about 362 or around there. Plus i would need half of the money for other expenses like food entertainment an d other stuff which you be around 250. The whole trip with tickets and expenses would be around 650, there for i would need you to say half which it like 325. Please please please!!!
DH: So when r u going? (Right here hubby tells her she can go)
SD: Jan. 28 though Feb. 3
DH: U miss five days of school?
SD:Yeah, but i would take all my work with me get it all done on the plane and at night and before i leave. And its the last week of the semester, so we do nt really do anything. (She can't get work done when she is home, how the hell can she do it when she is gone!!)
DH: Is all ur homework in now? And when is Aunt coming?
SD: That weekend when im gone. But mom said it was fine that i went. (NOTHING about the homework question)
DH: So I get u the next two weekends after u come home? And what about ur homework? Yes, and im talking to teachers tomorrow, and looking at my grades now.
DH: Ur grades are C's and ur missing homework?
SD: Huh?
DH: How much homework is not turned in?
SD: Just photo class, but im almost caught up (Checked the web site, lies lies lies)
DH: Here's the deal. If u can get a note from each teacher saying ur getting a B in their class for the quarter, I will go half. Other wise u will have to what ur mom doesn't.
SD: How would i pay?
DH: I don't know, what have u saved up?
SD: Not that much. Only like 85
DH: Ask your mom if u can earn the rest.
SD: I have she said she wont go for it!
DH: How about the money I give her for u. U can ask for that.
SD: Ill try.
DH: Anything u can do for Other Aunt and Uncle? It's short notice to earn it here
SD: I dont think so!!
DH: U r gonna have to convince ur mom that u will earn it then
SD: Why cant you just pay for half? Its not that much. I am trying everything to go.
DH: Because u don't have a B average and u haven't earned it. I don't know 14 YOB’s parents and you couldn't go to Arizona when I was paying for it all.
SD: Thats because i would have been all alone the whole time, and it was for too long.
DH: Ok. What about the grades?
SD: Im working on them!
DH: Ok. Let me know. Time for bed. Gn, luv u
SD: Love you too.
SD: Mrs. Tate wasnt school today. Ill talk to her in the morning. Can you just please give me money for the trip?
DH: No
SD: Why?
DH: Cause I said no
SD: This isnt fair!!!
DH: That's right! Not fair to me or ur mom. U want to get something for nothing. What's ur mom and I getting out of this?
SD: No its not fair for me!!! Mom wants me to go she even said. You are the only reason i cant go!! Trouble gets whatever she wants and gets to go where ev er she wants and i want this one thing!
DH: I'm sorry that's the way u feel. Why doesn't m just pay it all?
SD: My mom cant!!! She has to make huge house payments by her self, she can only pay for half of it!!
DH: We all make choices.
SD:Because your my dad and i am asking for one thing that i want to do and my mom cant pay for it all? So, your choice is to make me even more upset with m y life, and with you? What a great choice on your side.
DH: And what about ur choices?
SD: What about them? Yeah, i admit to making bad ones, but im a kid its what i do and i learn from them. Why cant you just be there for me! Im asking for on e thing!! Its all i want! Plus you havent made the best choices either.
DH: I have asked u to get a 3 avg. Ur grades, as of today when I checked r 2 d's, 1 a, 2 b's, 1 c. Not even close. I luv u and want the best for u. Gotta go now. If u want I can text u later
SD:Fine!!! Dont talk to me anymore! Bye
SD: No, never mine im not done. I dont understand why you are making my life horrible. I dont get why when i ask for something you always so no then your wife asks for something and its aways a yes right away. I am asking for one thing!!! And my mom is trying everything to let me go, and you just say no, be Please please please just let me go!!! Dad please!! Im beging you!
Just let me go!! Please, its not that much!! My mom is paying for half as long as you do! I want this so bad. Now im done. cause im not a good kid or a good person. You have no idea how i feel about this right now. I dont think i have wanted anything more than i want this!!
DH: No. For one, Trouble makes her money. I don't pay for her to go have fun. Second I have a real problem with u going away with a family I don't know. I have a problem with u missing school when ur getting d's. And this isn't one thing. It's the thing u want right now. My house my rules. I don't think it's in ur best interest to go. So finally no

So the best part is I'm fuming mad, over the whole thing. I told hubby if he didn't want her to go to JUST SAY NO. He has a hard time telling her no, I asked him and he agreed. He can't tell her no. He can't tell me no either but I also don't ask for things we can't afford or would put him out. I'm actually considerate of him. But she is his baby girl, but I DON'T WANT TO RAISE HER CHILD. Sending her to Hawaii with a parent you don't even know is just asking for trouble. GRRRRR. So things are changing in my house!! I'll let you know how it goes on Wednesday when we have her. :) I'm just the evil wicked stepmom.

Taking back your Power

At my favorite on-line support center (StepChicks) I've noticed a lot of ladies there talking about taking back their power. I wrote this right after the holidays but before new year:
So this year I learned a lot from the holidays.
1. I will not be participating in the buying/wrapping/mailing of gifts to others from SD. DH can handle that. This year he bought the gifts (with input from me and help getting him to do this), I wrapped the gifts, and I mailed the gifts. SD basked in the thank yous and complements, etc. from everyone being super appreciative of the gifts and how thoughtful she was, even when it was me who pointed out to DH that she got gifts for everyone but one person in the family and it wasn’t right to send gifts to everyone and leave one person out and DH and I picked out some of the presents without her as she really couldn’t be bothered. I even put the pictures in the ornaments to send out. The gifts were from SD and not from the family, even though she was 5% responsible, I was 60% responsible and DH was 35% responsible. And what did I get for all of this work. NOTHING. Not a thank you from SD or and thank you from DH. I actually got chewed out by DH because I was mailing everything and didn’t have the address of two people, SD’s family, and asked him to get the addresses and finally I told him to just forget it.
2. Cooking will not be my responsibility. Since SD doesn’t want to eat what I cook, only what her dad cooks, I will no longer be the one cooking. If this means we get take out and warm it up the next day then fine. If we don’t get a turkey dinner then we don’t get a turkey dinner.
3. I will not try to include others in my traditions. If DH and SD do not want to participate in my traditions then that is their choice. I will not allow their “happy” face just to be put down later. If they don’t like what I do then they can stuff it.
4. I will take time out for me. We have SD the second week of winter vacation next year so I will take the first week off of work to spend time with friends and family. I took some time this year, but I’m planning on manicures and pedicures for my local Stepmom and mommy friends. That will be my present to them and me.
5. I will only buy presents for DH, my family, and myself. Since SD cannot be appreciative of what I buy or what I do I will take myself out of the resentment game and not do it. I will not go out of my way to remember what SD likes or wants.
6. I will use my voice. If I am not happy doing something because of what is going on, I will say NO.
I am putting everything behind me and will use this year as a learning experience. My wish for the New Year is for all my Stepmom friends to learn from this year’s experience and to have a great 2011. I’m lucky because DH and I are spending this week, while working, bonding again. We are playing the video games (Tony Hawke and Just Dance 2) to get our work outs and spend time together. It’s time for me to remember why I married him; despite the fact he had a child. It’s time to find the joy in our relationship and the love we have for each other. It’s time to work on our Stepcouple Bubble and become the partners we once were. In 2011 I WILL NOT BE A MARTYR. I WILL NOT BE A MARTYR. I WILL NOT BE A MARTYR.
Hugs to all my friends. I hope this year brings peace and love.

You see, I truly believe that we all have some power in our lives and we forget or we want to please others so we don't use that power for good, we use it for evil. No one has power over us unless we allow them to have that power. I had some issues today at work, I'm at a different location helping out. The new person didn't get trained properly and I've been at my job for going on 5 years, so I kind of know what I'm doing. For the past 3 years I've been the go to person, if I don't know it I know where to get the information and I am the one who writes the procedures and tests things. I have a really good relationship with most of the people I know, why, because I ask questions, I'm polite, I give to them when they give to me, you know, I treat them like how I want to be treated. Well today, the gal I'm training had a little break down, she is intimidated by me, I use shortcuts and use acronyms for things, because that is how we talk about crap, and instead of asking what I'm talking about or to explain things (she's been with the company for 3 months and I'm not sure what she does or does not know) she breaks down because I'm making her feel stupid. She gave me her power. By not asking for help or asking me to explain something, she just allowed me to take her power and to make her feel like less. I didn't want to do that, I'm here for support and if she fails so do I, but I can't teach if someone doesn't ask questions or doesn't tell me they don't get it. I've also put myself out there for the company and if anyone needs help I'm the first in line to help, it's fun and it gets me noticed (in a good way) and I love the company I work for (most of the time) and the people I work with are amazing. So, how did I go from someone other people give their power to a person that gives away their power. I was like the girl I'm training, I was afraid of looking like a hard ass and not being accepted in my blended family. FEAR!!! Fear of looking like something we are not. We fear things ALL the time, but the biggest thing about fear is getting over it.
I did decide a little while ago to take my power back. I did that with the driving last Friday. I did that tonight when Hubby asked if I was ready for family life, I asked about SD and how she was doing. He has a problem, I came up with the solution if she were my child and told him what I would do in his shoes. If he does it, fine, if he doesn't, fine, but I told him how I felt and how it would be for a child of mine. MY POWER. I'm not afraid of what he will say or what he will choose, it's up to him and him alone. I also told him that I was not okay with SD choosing my parents as her grandparents without acknowledging the fact that I am a part of this family and I am her stepmother. I will not be refered to as "she" and if she wants the benefits of my family she will need to act like a respectful child in OUR home. She will need to respect me as a parent in the house, I didn't pick her as my family and she didn't pick me, but we love the same man and need to figure it out. I don't do disrespect and hubby will need to step up and be my partner, that or she doesn't get the benefits of my family, PERIOD. It's late where I am now, but I really needed to get some of this out. Night World.

Home away from home

So today was the first day away from home and it is pretty good, work is hectic, but when isn't is, and hubby is missing me. It is always nice to be missed. So last night I was pretty shocked when hubby sent TM an email and she was polite and seemed to be on board with all the changes to the schedule. Basically Hubby just told her that because of his new counseling schedule he would not be able to see SD on Tuesdays and she was fine with it and asked to change weekends because her sister is coming out to visit. She just told him to pick whatever weekend, it didn't matter to her. He sent back the weekend I told him (basically just saying the Saturday day (like she did in her email) and she sends back an email asking to elaborate on the day because that day is a Wednesday. If she looked at her calendar she would see that the day was a Saturday next month, but what ever. It just reminds me that if we don't spell things out for her she doesn't get it. I picked that weekend because the Monday is a holiday which means hubby's weekend is extended an extra day since he did give up a day (no, it's not able to be made up because he gave it up do to my being out of town and him not able to drive) so there is no word if this is okay with TM or not. I guess if she takes the weekend that means it's okay.
So being away today got me thinking about my life and things that are going on. Things like I'm thankful I have a job that allows me to travel. I get to meet my new stepsister. I get to meet people I talk to on the phone and put a face to a name. No matter what, I get to learn new things and experience new things. When I travel I make sure I work out at least three times a week. I also eat less and get a lot of work done. It makes Hubby realize just how much I do in our home, when he has to do it all himself. We talk more because we seem to have the need to reconnect and hubby misses me, as do the puppies. Since I travel about once per quarter it is just enough to stay fresh and just enough so it doesn't get tiring and old. I also try to plan my trips away for the times we have SD, this time just didn't work out that way, or I plan really fun things on my trips. I went to see my dad and stepmom during my training a few months ago and I'm seeing my brother and niece on my next training session. I usually go to some fun place, at least once, and see something new. I don't know if that is translated to TM, as SD usually tells us when her mom is traveling or doing something cool, and I know that SD hates that I do all of this without her, but she also realizes, to an extent, that this is a perk of my job. A job that I got by going to college and getting a degree. Something that really bothers me is the fact that TM tells SD that she doesn't need to go to college and she doesn't need a degree, look at how successful she is. The thing TM doesn't tell SD is that she is stuck in her job with no chance of advancement because she has not degree. Yes, she makes a decent amount for someone without a degree, but all she can look forward to is the normal raises, no advancement. The woman works about 50 -60 hours a week which means she makes about 17-19 bucks an hour and at my job I make 17 bucks an hour, yes I make less but I also work less. Something that killed Hubby when he was married was the fact TM worked so many hours and did not have time for the family. Money doesn't matter if you don't have family time. There is also that fact that I'm just starting on my career. In 4 years I went from being an hourly associate to a supervisor and I am in training to be a manager, making a whole lot more then I make now and a whole lot more then Hubby or TM. And that is why I think an education is so valuable. You can climb the corporate ladder and deligate and still make the bucks. :)

Sunday Sunday Sunday

So today I am all packed, the ticket is printed and Hubby put together 4 play list for the trip for me to listen to, something I asked him to do. Last night was wonderful and so was waking up late this morning. The dogs are freaking out (we have two 8 lbs. puppies, a boy and a girl) because they have seen the luggage come out and they know that I'm leaving. I'm really excited to get away. We watched Sex in the City 2 last night and something that I was thinking about is the fact that we are not a normal married couple. We have a SD, hubby's child, and we tried to have another, but with the fact that my hubby decided to have a vasectomy years ago we decided to go the route of sperm donor. I think this is a wonderful thing and we picked out someone close to hubby's ethnic background, but due to issues that I am having it looks like it is not to be. It is something that I am coming to terms with and hubby doesn't really have good or bad feelings. Of course, there are pros and cons to everything. One, hubby is many years older than me so having a child late in life means we don't get to travel and play as much, but then there is the fact that a child with me would be born and created out of love, not necessity or because we "have" to have one. Hubby knows I'm a different parent and a different person. I don't believe that children should be used as pawns, like his daughter is used. I also believe with my whole heart that both parents should be involved in their child's life, unless there is a danger to the child, no matter what. Well, time to get some work done since I will be in the air when reports and payroll is due. Have a great week! I know I am looking forward to mine. :)

Lovely Weekend

OMG. This weekend has been the best weekend so far. One thing of note, SD has not been home and will not come home tonight. It looks like hubby and I will have a weekend alone before I take off for a week for business and play. I'm spending 4 days at another work site and 3 days off playing with the girls. It's a MUCH needed girls weekend for the four ladies meeting up, and we have promised each other, one night of bitching and the rest of the time will be for relaxing and recharging, something EVERY stepmom should do for herself. I can say this for hubs, he doesn't really seem to care if SD comes over or not but he feels guilty that she's not here. It's a weird mix of feelings.
I was going to bitch about not being told the full truth about hubby's conversation with SD on Friday and the whole taking her places, but you know what, it doesn't matter. SD is mad at me for not driving and putting a cost on it, SD is mad at dad for not bending to her will. You know what, the only one that loses is SD because the less she is around the less I want her around, and her dad doesn't miss her like she thinks he should. SD was born a pawn, has been a pawn for her mom to use for the past 14 years, hubby is bonded with his child, but there is soooo much going on with loyalty binds and PAS that sometimes it is actually easier to let SD think the way her mom programs her to think instead of fighting it. I know the best thing for the child is to fight it, but really, she is 14, can she not make up her own mind about things? I know people out there think hubby is a dead beat dad, but he pays his child support, is at all the events he is told about (by TM and SD), and has always been there for his child. The issue is he has been treated like and ATM by TM and SD for the past 14 years, yes he put up with it and made it okay, but now it's not okay and he can't change it. But being treated that way for so long has ruined the emotional attachment and closeness he had with SD. I know, part of it is her being a teenager, but a lot is just because of how she was raised.
Anyway, I'm rambling now so I will go start dinner, yummm, for just hubby and me and we can have some quality alone time. :)

Another day, maybe a few dollars

To give a little background, I am a disengaged Stepmom. You see with so much that has happened in the year I’ve been a Stepmom I’ve taken a step back for my own sanity. And when I say things have happened I mean nasty, spiteful, down right disrespectful things, from SD and hubs not putting his foot down and letting a lot of these things go. There was not choice as far as I could see but to step back and take care of myself and my marriage.

So today hubs text messages me, SD wants a ride from her mom’s house to the high school so she can watch a game, from there her friend’s mom will pick her and her friend up and they will spend the night at the friend’s house and I would need to pick her up in the morning. Hubby thinks this is a great idea; we can have the night alone. For me it means an extra 30 minutes of driving in traffic tonight and another 45 minutes of driving tomorrow. Hubby has a rule, if SD doesn’t have a 3.0 GPA or better she does not get the extras, this means no friends over if we have to pick them up or drop them off, no driving her extra places, no going out of our way to make things nice for her. She has not had a 3.0 GPA for over a year and hubby lets her do things, as long as he doesn’t have to drive her. But now, since she knows I’m the one driving, she wants me to drive everywhere, oh no, not happening. After several messages back and forth my compromise was this, taxi fair to the high school from our house is $16, taxi fare to and from our house to the friend’s house is $32, so I will do both for $48 in cash. Hubby asked if she can work it off. The problem with that is in the past when we allow that she doesn’t do very good work and it’s not worth what we paid, so I said no, she can’t do the work before the trips and her credit sucks, so I need the cash up front.

You see I believe this, if you don’t treat someone well then you forfeit anything they would do for you. It’s called Karma. The way I was raised was you treat others how you want to be treated. It was my job in the beginning to treat everyone how I wanted to be treated, and I did. SD and Hubby were treated very well. To repay me for this I found postings online from SD saying how evil I am how I’ve changed her dad, what a bitch I was, and so forth. There is a sign in her room saying “I HATE STEPMOM”, with my actual name. Hubby talked to her about it, tried to get to the bottom of it, but there were no consequences to her actions. She was allowed to treat me rudely, she was allowed to ignore me, and now I’ve been reduced to “she” when SD talks about me. Yes, my hubby is a Disneyland Dad, yes that is something I am trying to let go, yes there is resentment that has built from that. So now it is my turn to stand up for myself. You see, anyone in my life who has treated me badly has either had to apologize and make up for it or I’ve cut them from my life. That’s just how I roll. If I treat someone badly I know I have to make up for it or they might cut me from their life, but a stepchild cannot be cut from your life, you have to live with them unless you want to get divorced. My husband is the sweetest man I know. I adore him when it is just the two of us. Last night I had to work late and he had the animals taken care of, dinner made, and he was the man I fell in love with. I remember why I married him and why I fell in love with him. Most of the time it is not an issue. It is when he forgets to put our marriage first that we fight. When he forgets that I am the one around all the time and I will (or should) be the one around when the child grows up and moves out (please GOD let the child move out) we get into these situations. He has to be told when he is doing this and he can see it after the fact, but he can’t see it when he is doing it. So now, once again, I’m the evil wicked Stepmom.

Hello world

I've been thinking of sharing my story for a while now, you see I am one of the many stepmoms out there in the world, the hidden, the afraid, the lonely. I've been a stepmom for officially 1 year and a few months. I've known my husband, his ex-wife (aka TM), and their daughter for what will be 11 years in June. The difference is I've only been involved, after several years of a break, in their lives for a little over 3 years, when my hubs left his wife and moved out. I use to work with hubs, years ago, but lost contact (due to TM's insecurity and her belief hubs and I were having an affair) and did not hear anything until he called me up a little over 3 years ago. There is a lot of back story but nothing really matters but TM blames me for the divorce, I didn't start dating hubs until the divorce was final, TM says she divorced hubs because he is abusive and controlling, and we are dealing with a person that cannot accept her faults and raises her child to be just like her.
This blog will be for me, to get things off my chest, to explore my feelings, and hopefully for others to read and know that they are not alone. I can say this, I read other blogs, I love other blogs, they make me feel that I am not the only one feeling these things and I am not alone. Oh, to have people to share things with. I am a member of an online forum that is as safe and secure as it can get where I've meet some of the most amazing women. I've learned, laughed, and cried with them. So this is my contribution to others.
I'm going to jump right in with writing what is going on. I may go back to explain some things, but the past is the past. Yes, it still hurts and it is something we can learn from, but I am trying to move past some of the hurt and start to heal.
I am not a "normal" stepmom, I have done what some of us lovely refer to as the stepmom stepback. I don't discipline, I don't cook, I don't do laundry, I don't do anything that I don't want to do. I am not the parent or guardian in our home. TM has made it clear to hubs and everyone who will listen that I am not a parent, I AM NOT to do parent things, I am better off pretending that I do not exist. Of course when things need to happen and I need to help I get crap for not helping. So instead of helping out and building a family, it is two families that live in the same house, SD and hubs and hubs and I. The problem with this situation is I don't know what my role is. I know I'm a wife, but wives are suppose to help their husbands with problems and be someone they can lean on. When I am that person and I give of myself I get shit oh, quite honestly shit on by everyone involved. So when I stop being that person I get shit on for not being there for them.
Let me tell you what happened just recently. Hubs lost his license for the next 90 days because of a choice he made, it doesn't matter why or what happened, he made a mistake and we are moving forward. This means I am now responsible for transporting SD to and from TM's house. Now many of my stepmom friends tell me not to do this, let them walk, catch a bus, or call a cab, but those are not options because of cost and location. I told hubs I would do this for him, out of the goodness of my heart because I love him and he doesn't want to forfit his time with SD. TM will not do any of the transportating at all, it's in the DD that hubs has to do it, so there really is no fighting it. No, I'm not a saint, I just truly believe in doing what is best for the family. My biggest problem with this is it seems that I am the only one doing what is best for the family. The first night of this was where there was a problem. I pick up hubs and we go to pick up SD. #1 issue - she always makes us wait, usually between 5 and 10 minutes. It's not TM as TM is not even home, she is just not the type of person that thinks being on time is important. She cares if she has to wait, but she doesn't care of others have to wait on her. This is a character flaw I see in her that comes from how she is being/has been raised. Added to the waiting, when hubs called her to come out she asked if we could take a friend home, hubs automatically said yes, without asking me, without seeing if I wanted to drive to the other side of town and spend 45 minutes in traffic. This is an issue we have been going back and forth on, his willingness to do whatever he needs to do or whatever SD wants him to do to keep her happy, even if it means making me unhappy. Here, concrete proof of him doing just that. He got really lucky because the friend's mom showed up and took her child home, but he still agreed without asking me. I didn't have time to let out my frustrations so it was stewing for the 2 1/2 hours we had SD. So here I am, angry and resentful that once again I am doing something nice for the man I love and he turns it around and makes it an arguement about his catering to his daughter. I kept it together for the night and on the way home I let hubs have it. And of course, once again, it makes me the evil wicked stepmom.
The next day I come home and hubs has done laundry and cleaned up the house, to help appease the beast, and we take off to pick up SD. Once again we are left waiting for 10 minutes before she comes down. I take everyone home and hubs starts to cook dinner. I'm relaxing and doing some things, call my dad, and unwind (I just got home from work). Hubs tells SD that I am taking a trip for work next week and he will not be able to see her next week and she will have to go home early  from the weekend. The other option, I take her home at 4 AM, when I leave to fly, she agrees to Sunday night. She's mad at dad for making a stupid choice and losing his license. I don't blame her, but really, it's not like he harps on her for her stupid choices. We make her live with the consequences and learn from her mistakes. Hubs also has to forfit his Tuesday visitation because he is now in counsling. SD is pissed and ignores the both of us all night. I took her to school this morning and at least I got a thank you out of her. I have one night without her and we will see what it brings.