So hubby and I had a talk last night about the fact that I'm his mom when it comes to parenting. He did see my point and agreed. So now what? From what he said he feels that I am the one he goes to for help in the parenting arena, he wants to bounce ideas off of me and see what I think. He believes that I have a different side, as we were raised VERY differently, and I am a stepchild myself. He was so use to counting on TM to be a parent (there is a whole back story on this but since it is their story I don't feel right telling it from an outsiders point of view) that he never thought of things like safety or what the impact of the decision would make on the child's future. So now, here I am, someone that leans on her parents for advice because they have raised teenagers, and I take that advice. Yes, I call my stepmom for advice and I listen to her!!! So the fact of the matter is I'm okay with him bouncing thing off of me, he is right, I do have different thoughts and ideas. I was also raised very strict and I turned out just fine. I'm not like most kids, I think my dad may have been a little to strict, but I understand that it was for my own good. I am the person I am to day because I've had to work for things, I've had to earn my way, and I'm happy that I'm where I am today because of MY choices, the good and the bad. I feel that my dad didn't make the best choices where I was concerned, but the world doesn't revolve around me (I guess it takes growing up to figure that out) and as a teenager I feel that I knew the world didn't revolve around me, but I had my own little world that I could affect. Talking to my dad, he agrees that I was a moody know it all teenager and those years were hard, but I NEVER disrespected him or other adults. His word was the law and I spent most of my time finding the loop holes in his arguments. Yes this is what he said, but he didn't say I couldn't do this so this is what I'm doing. When I got caught braking the rules I knew I broke the rules and dealt with the consequences. I didn't blame my dad for me breaking the rules. This is something that drives me crazy. The child, when she is caught breaking the rules blames hubby or I for MAKING her break the rules. When she got caught sneaking out and not coming home until 4 in the morning she blamed her dad for it, saying he said it was okay. He didn't say it was okay and then it turned to well TM knows she sneaks out all the time and TM just gets over it. Yes, TM doesn't care if you sneak out because she is usually out with her boyfriend, according to the child, so she never knows if you are home or not. Yes, that is the kind of parent you want now, as a teenager, but when something happens you will be happy you had structure and boundries at our home. I can say that I've never met a single person that was happy that their parents allowed them freedom and allowed them to get into trouble and bailed them out. Most of the children I meet that had permissive parents tell me that they wished their parents were more strict, then they would know their parents cared and loved them. Most adults, when they were the kids who got into trouble and their parents just got over it, feel that their parents just didn't care if they lived or died and they don't have the relationship I have with my dad now.
Anyways, I guess the point of this was the fact that I've been thinking of what to do. I don't want to be "mom" to my husband when it comes to the parenting of the child, but I don't mind him bouncing things off of me. I really don't like the fact that he doesn't think of the things that I think of, like safety and the future consequences of certain actions, until I bring these things up. I guess I have a hard time knowing the consequences of the parenting that TM and hubby are doing could ruin the child's life. How can I be a good person and let that happen? My own ethical code and morals tell me to step in, don't let it happen. But then the other side is the fact that she is not my child and I'm not ultimatly responsible for her parent's actions. I would step in and tell a friend they were crazy for thinking of allowing their child to do something and I step in when I see hubby doing it. If I would do it for a friend I do it for my husband. I have a friend that has children with a man that lives by me and when I'm visiting her I sometimes take the kids to their dad's house, to save her the gas and time. I don't have to do it, but I do it because she is my friend and she appreciates me, and it gives me extra time with the kids, who I adore (even though we are not related I am still auntie). I do more for those kids then I do for my stepchild, mostly because of the appreciation, love, and respect I get back, but it makes it hard to know where to draw the line in the step family relationship. So tonight I am having a talk with the child about her respect towards me and what is acceptable and not acceptable in the family home. In addition, hubby will have a seperate talk about the whole Hawaii thing. I plan on recording my talk so I can go through it and make sure I have all my points that I want to address and I'm going grocery shopping during hubby's talk. Oh well, if she hates me then that's fine, I'm already hated by her. :)
I think it's fine to talk about issues with the stepkids. I do talk to my husband and give him my opinions, usually behind closed doors - rarely in front of the kids. However, if he comes to a decision that I disagree with, I have to bite my tongue and respect it because he's the parent. Not me.
ReplyDeleteAt times, my husband will ask my opinion and like Mrs Wayne, I give it to him behind closed doors. Sometimes he uses what I've suggested, other times not. The.hardest.thing for me is to keep my mouth shut. Very hard, but something I have learned is in my best interest. On the occassion I open my trap, it usually results in a 'war' and those are just plumb exhausting.
ReplyDeleteI will say this and say it with 100% honesty...I worked two jobs (60+ hours a week) and raised two girls alone. It was a walk in the park compared with being a stepmother which is the most thankless and stressful role I've ever taken on.
Please take care of yourself. Sounds like you've a handful of a stepdaughter...
I think it's good to talk through things and offer up an opinion, but your opinion is just that...an opinion. It's not always "right" or going to be followed. Even in the best marriages with biological kids if you have different parenting styles there is a lot of compromise and conflict. I read this article awhile ago:
ReplyDeletehttp://psychology.about.com/od/developmentalpsychology/a/parenting-style.htm
I think you are more the Authoritarian Parenting
type and he is more the Permissive Parenting type. I would think your goal would be to get each of you closer to the Authoritative Parenting style. You need to relax and he needs to step up. Unfortunately in a step situation, whatever dad wants to do is going to trump you. Why? Because it is HIS kid. You cannot push your parenting style on him with threats of what you'll do if he doesn't follow what you suggest. That is what will make you in a role of his parent instead of his partner.
He needs to grow up and figure out how he's going to be a good dad and a good partner. It's not your job to tell him how to do that. It will ultimately drive dad and daughter apart and you apart from them.
What they don't mention in this article is how when it comes to step-parents...from the kid's side, they will almost NEVER ever take discipline from you. So, whatever compromise you and DH get to...it needs to come from him while you just support him. Your position as the stepmom is to support your husband, not be treated disrespectfully, but not to be the parent.
I guess the hard part is holding not saying anyting and being okay with what hubby decides. GRRRRR, sadly, what ever he decides does impact me and how the child acts around me. If dad says yes she acts even more spoiled and entitled, if he say's no then I'm evil wicked stepmom and it's ALL my fault. I guess step family life for me right now is all lose lose.
ReplyDeleteA good idea might be for hubby to NOT answer until the 2 of you have a chance to talk. When the child isn't around.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree about the respect issue. She doesn't have to like you. You don't have to like her. She should have to treat you with common courtesy and respect.
Amy, the thing is, and I sort of asked hubby if he saw it, that she will ask for thinks knowing I'm out of town, it happens every time. Actually, I said, "How funny, whenever she wants something big I happen to be out of town." Hubby said, "I think she does it on purpose."
ReplyDeleteAnd i totally agree, we don't have to like everyone we have to deal with, but we have to learn to deal with them and treat people with respect. :)