Hello world

I've been thinking of sharing my story for a while now, you see I am one of the many stepmoms out there in the world, the hidden, the afraid, the lonely. I've been a stepmom for officially 1 year and a few months. I've known my husband, his ex-wife (aka TM), and their daughter for what will be 11 years in June. The difference is I've only been involved, after several years of a break, in their lives for a little over 3 years, when my hubs left his wife and moved out. I use to work with hubs, years ago, but lost contact (due to TM's insecurity and her belief hubs and I were having an affair) and did not hear anything until he called me up a little over 3 years ago. There is a lot of back story but nothing really matters but TM blames me for the divorce, I didn't start dating hubs until the divorce was final, TM says she divorced hubs because he is abusive and controlling, and we are dealing with a person that cannot accept her faults and raises her child to be just like her.
This blog will be for me, to get things off my chest, to explore my feelings, and hopefully for others to read and know that they are not alone. I can say this, I read other blogs, I love other blogs, they make me feel that I am not the only one feeling these things and I am not alone. Oh, to have people to share things with. I am a member of an online forum that is as safe and secure as it can get where I've meet some of the most amazing women. I've learned, laughed, and cried with them. So this is my contribution to others.
I'm going to jump right in with writing what is going on. I may go back to explain some things, but the past is the past. Yes, it still hurts and it is something we can learn from, but I am trying to move past some of the hurt and start to heal.
I am not a "normal" stepmom, I have done what some of us lovely refer to as the stepmom stepback. I don't discipline, I don't cook, I don't do laundry, I don't do anything that I don't want to do. I am not the parent or guardian in our home. TM has made it clear to hubs and everyone who will listen that I am not a parent, I AM NOT to do parent things, I am better off pretending that I do not exist. Of course when things need to happen and I need to help I get crap for not helping. So instead of helping out and building a family, it is two families that live in the same house, SD and hubs and hubs and I. The problem with this situation is I don't know what my role is. I know I'm a wife, but wives are suppose to help their husbands with problems and be someone they can lean on. When I am that person and I give of myself I get shit oh, quite honestly shit on by everyone involved. So when I stop being that person I get shit on for not being there for them.
Let me tell you what happened just recently. Hubs lost his license for the next 90 days because of a choice he made, it doesn't matter why or what happened, he made a mistake and we are moving forward. This means I am now responsible for transporting SD to and from TM's house. Now many of my stepmom friends tell me not to do this, let them walk, catch a bus, or call a cab, but those are not options because of cost and location. I told hubs I would do this for him, out of the goodness of my heart because I love him and he doesn't want to forfit his time with SD. TM will not do any of the transportating at all, it's in the DD that hubs has to do it, so there really is no fighting it. No, I'm not a saint, I just truly believe in doing what is best for the family. My biggest problem with this is it seems that I am the only one doing what is best for the family. The first night of this was where there was a problem. I pick up hubs and we go to pick up SD. #1 issue - she always makes us wait, usually between 5 and 10 minutes. It's not TM as TM is not even home, she is just not the type of person that thinks being on time is important. She cares if she has to wait, but she doesn't care of others have to wait on her. This is a character flaw I see in her that comes from how she is being/has been raised. Added to the waiting, when hubs called her to come out she asked if we could take a friend home, hubs automatically said yes, without asking me, without seeing if I wanted to drive to the other side of town and spend 45 minutes in traffic. This is an issue we have been going back and forth on, his willingness to do whatever he needs to do or whatever SD wants him to do to keep her happy, even if it means making me unhappy. Here, concrete proof of him doing just that. He got really lucky because the friend's mom showed up and took her child home, but he still agreed without asking me. I didn't have time to let out my frustrations so it was stewing for the 2 1/2 hours we had SD. So here I am, angry and resentful that once again I am doing something nice for the man I love and he turns it around and makes it an arguement about his catering to his daughter. I kept it together for the night and on the way home I let hubs have it. And of course, once again, it makes me the evil wicked stepmom.
The next day I come home and hubs has done laundry and cleaned up the house, to help appease the beast, and we take off to pick up SD. Once again we are left waiting for 10 minutes before she comes down. I take everyone home and hubs starts to cook dinner. I'm relaxing and doing some things, call my dad, and unwind (I just got home from work). Hubs tells SD that I am taking a trip for work next week and he will not be able to see her next week and she will have to go home early  from the weekend. The other option, I take her home at 4 AM, when I leave to fly, she agrees to Sunday night. She's mad at dad for making a stupid choice and losing his license. I don't blame her, but really, it's not like he harps on her for her stupid choices. We make her live with the consequences and learn from her mistakes. Hubs also has to forfit his Tuesday visitation because he is now in counsling. SD is pissed and ignores the both of us all night. I took her to school this morning and at least I got a thank you out of her. I have one night without her and we will see what it brings.