Yes, you read that right, that is what my father said last night to me regarding some of the issues we are having at home to tell hubby. Now, I wasn't let off easy either. I will post most of our conversation, I'm still processing some of it, but it helped to hear these things from a parent that raised two teenage girls, and one was a stepdaughter with a wife much like my husband.
So I call my dad to tell him about the conversation hubby and I had with the child and I got an ear full. First he tells me that rude behavior is stopped by ending the conversation or ignoring the child. Yes, that's right, say no and if you continue to whine and cry the answer to the next thing you want will be no. We can have a conversation, but the conversation will be what you will do to earn what you want, not why I am unfair or why I won't give you what you want. Yes, I remember those conversations with my dad, and he NEVER backed down if I was rude or crying. Dad said tell her to go to her room and not to come out until she can be civil and respectful, end of story. So I asked about what to do to stop the rudeness when my husband doesn't say anything or do anything. He told me it was my responsibility to my husband and to the child to tell her to knock it off. Step in and be an adult. WOW!!! He said that if hubby didn't back me 100% with a yeah, don't talk to me like that, then I get to tell hubby to shut up and don't complain that your child is disrespectful to you. Basically, everything that the books and websites tell you not to do my dad said is the only way a step parent can combat such an extreme case like I have in my home. Dad also said that if she doesn't want to come over then she doesn't need to come over, it's not that much of a loss. Oh, and my dad does adore the child and treats her just like he treats his bio-grandchild. Daddy also asked what I was afraid of, the child already hates me and I've done everything "right" so what do I have to lose. She doesn't come over, so what. Hubby gets upset because I'm to hard on his child, so what, I've been easy and see where that gets me. The child hates me, so what, she already hates me. Basically, I have nothing to lose. If hubby wants to get divorced then that's his issue. Basically, hubby needs to grow some balls and be a parent. He needs to get over his guilt from the divorce or go ahead and divorce me and go back to TM.
My dad had a bad year health wise last year and almost lost his life. It was touch and go for a few days, during which I was a total mess. He is done with the playing games and crap, now he tells it how it is, and if you don't like it then don't ask and don't complain. I have to say...I love my daddy.
What do you have to lose? Uhh...your marriage? Or maybe you don't care about that.
ReplyDeleteSorry but I don't think a tyrannical stepmom is going to change a child's behavior. It will just make her worse. You don't want to put yourself in a position where your husband has to choose between you and her. You won't win that one.
Mrs. Wayne,
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying I turn into a dictator, my way or the high way or be like my own stepmom was when I was a teenager, more things like you don't talk to people like that in our home, you don't get to yell and scream and slam doors in our home, etc. Reasonable expectations for a child or even a guest in your home. As for losing my marriage, yes, my marriage means something to me, but I cannot stay with a man that doesn't respect me enough to stand up for me, even if it means telling his child that she is not to be disrespectful to me. He is good about that, when I point it out. He doesn't see the crap like I do, walking in the house and not saying a word, calling me "she", totally ignoring a comment or questions I put to her. I don't want to feel like I don't exist in my own home or that I am better off moving out on the weekends we have her, which is where I'm headed. To me that is no kind of a marriage. So, because of the crap going on my marriage is already headed downhill and fast. So honestly, since it seems like I'm already losing my marriage and partnership, really, I don't see what I have to lose.
I love it! Sorry Mrs Wayne but I totally believe that all children need to show common courtesy and respect to adults! Dad needs to enforce this with the Step-mom but all adults in her life should be demanding this. When this child goes to get a job, no boss is going to allow any type of disrespect and she might as well learn now that the world doesn't revolve around her. Of course, I believe that you teach these lessons by exhibiting them too. As in, treat her with respect and then require that she return it.
ReplyDeleteAs for your marriage, only you know how much you're willing to put up with and how much your marriage can take. I hope you and hubby can come to an understanding and that this doesn't cause a rift in your relationship but helps it become stronger.
Thanks Amy. You are right, you can't expect respect unless you give it, my dad taught me you respect others until they prove they don't deserve respect, then you have the choice to keep them in your life or not. I'm big on treating people the way I want to be treated because then they know how I want to be treated. :)
ReplyDeleteI have high hopes that hubby and I can work through this.