Hubby has been trying for the past 3 years to get information regarding the child’s doctors and appointments, with no response. So this is what he sent: “I met with the child’s teachers during conferences and I was wondering what the fame plan was in regards to getting her grades up and her homework turned in. You have also not responded regarding the child’s missing school. Please let me know when I can expect a response. It really concerns me when I see the child was out for a personal appointment and missing a French test while she was on Facebook at the time watching Jersey Shore
Her response: “I have received your email. I will ask you to allow me to parent in my household as you have asked me. Please respect my wishes as I have for you. I will also ask you to not email me at work, as your emails are not work related. Thank you”
Please note that TM started emailing hubby from work when he would just send things to her home email. She would forward them to work and respond from there or send original emails from work. Hubby started sending the emails to both her home and work email addresses.
His response: “Please send me all the information in regards to section T in the Stipulated General Judgment for Dissolution of Marriage and Parenting Plan.”
He sent this and sent another email with a 2nd request 4 days later.
Her response: “In regards to section T in the stipulated general judgment for dissolution of marriage and parenting plan – I have shared the information to you multiple times. The only changes is with the retirement of Doctor 1 and I have listed Doctor 2 as her primary doctor at the same clinic.
You have full acess to all information from her school, medical and dental records and I have fully shared that information to you multiple times.
I need you to share information you have not disclosed in section T in the stipulated general judgment for dissolution of marriage and parenting plan. Thank you, Her full name (with his last name.)”
His response: “Please forward the emails in which you have shared this information.
I have only taken the child to the doctors once and I shared that information with you. Thanks Dad”
Here is section T: Access to Information (1) Each party shall ensure that the other has full access to all information available from the child’s school, medical, and dental records, and the parties shall fully share such information. Each party will provide addresses and contact telephone numbers to the other party and will immediately notify the other party of any emergency circumstances or substantial changes in the health of the child. (2) Notwithstanding the award to the Petitioner of custody, Respondent shall retain his statuary parenting rights including, but not necessarily limited to, the following: (a) to inspect and receive school records and to consult with school staff concerning the child’s welfare and education, to the same extent as Petitioner. (b) To inspect and receive governmental agency and law enforcement records concerning the child to the same extent as Petitioner. (c) To consult with any person who may provide care or treatment for the child and to inspect and receive the child’s medical, dental, and psychological records, to the same extent as petitioner. (d) To authorize emergency medical, dental, psychological, psychiatric, or other health care for the child if Petitioner is, for practical purposes, unavailable.
TM had never told hubby about appointments. The one appointment he was informed of was when the child was having stomach issues and the child wanted more medication and I read on the box that is should not be used for longer then 21 days without seeing a doctor, so hubby called the doctor and they stated that no, she should not be taking the medication without being see, hubby pushed and pushed and the doctor actually called back confused because they had an appointment for later in the day. TM was upset when hubby was there, she actually changed the appointment when she found out hubby was going to be there but the doctor’s office called him when the appointment was changed. All she gives us is the child goes to this school, duh. I called the school and got hubby log on information, something she NEVER shared. She also did not list him as the father in the school records so he had to go in and sign a bunch of paperwork so he could get school progress reports. Hubby will just keep pushing back until she gives us the phone numbers and contact information. GRRRRR.
We go through this ALL the time. After five years, my fiance has learned to stop asking SD's mom for information about school or doctors or extra-curricular activities. It doesn't work because she either refuses to provide it or lies about it.
ReplyDeleteInstead, he takes a copy of their divorce order (the paragraph that awards joint legal and physical custody) and his government issued photo ID to the school or the doctor's office or the extra-curricular activity office and asks them to add him to their database and their "parent notification" email list. Most people are happy to do it. But it is a constant battle because he has to do it again at the beginning of every school year. He is very patient, and explains calmly why he has to ask them to do him this favor (because her mom won't follow the court order). It is very frustrating to be nice and ask for a "favor," but it is the only way to get them to want to help you. Once they understand the circumstances, they can make it irrelevant whether mom provides you the information because you are getting it directly from the source without her. It negates her power over the entire situation.
SD is 15 now, so we have given up collecting examples of her mom refusing to follow the court order. I don't know how old yours is/are, but it might be worth documenting every.single.time if they are young because: (1) you have many years left, and (2) you can request that the court award you sole or joint custody. That ought to scare her into complying.
I feel for you: it is a hard slog. Someone said "constant vigilence is the price we pay for freedom." I believe he or she was referring to either civil rights in general or feminism is particular. But I think it also applies here: constant vigilence is the price we pay to get the freedom of parenting the court awarded us.
Good luck.
PS: Have you read Amy JL Baker's books? If she is also interfering with your husband's relationship with his kid(s), I highly recommend them.
"I Don't Want To Choose: How Middle School Kids Can Avoid Choosing One Parent Over the Other."
http://www.amazon.com/dont-want-choose-middle-choosing/dp/0578003945/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1301875911&sr=1-3
"Beyond the High Road: Responding to 17 Parental Alienation Strategies without Compromising Your Morals or Harming Your Child."
http://www.amyjlbaker.com/
Thanks for the comment. The child is almost 15 and hubby really wants to talk to this "counselor" that TM is taking her to. We don't even know where the counselor is or her phone number to request the information from her, which is why he is trying to get the information. He has had to go to the school's and doctor's offices to get information, but they will do it for a little while, TM will change doctors (without letting hubby know) and the information stops. THe biggest issue hubby has right now is the number of "sick" days the child has had from school, missing homework and tests because she is "sick" and he wants to get to the bottom of it, is she sick or is mom just letting her out of her obligations, which he really believes is the truth because she's hanging with friends when she's "sick."
ReplyDeleteI'll have to check out the books, if not for us then for other friends that I have in this situation. Thank you again.
I didn't realize your SD is 15. The book that is meant for her ("I Don't Want To Choose") might be too babyish for her because it is meant for middle schoolers. But the concepts will still apply and Hubby can talk to her about them. And the book for him is valuable no matter SD's age.
ReplyDeleteI would be FURIOUS about not knowing the therapist. If Hubby gave a letter in a sealed envelope to SD for her to deliver to the therapist next time she has an appointment, can SD be trusted to deliver the envelope without telling TM about it or giving it to TM? Any therapist who discovered s/he was treating a minor without the consent of both parents would call Hubby so fast your head would spin.
We finally told SD (also 15) that the next time she went to any doctor's office, she should look on the front desk counter for a stack of business cards and bring one home for us.
Oh, I feel for you.
Here's another idea: almost every state has a state law version of the Freedom of Information Act (usually they are called Public Records Acts). Every state government agency, like a public school, has to post on its website how to submit a request for documents under the state law. Hubby could submit a Public Records Act request to SD's school for the entire file on SD, including any medical or mental health records (maybe the therapist sent a note to the school explaining why she was absent one day?). The school won't give information about Student X to anyone other than Student X and/or his parent(s) -- and rightly so for privacy's sake -- but if Hubby identifies himself as SD's father, says that TM is violating the court order and that he is asking for the file because he suspects TM is taking SD to doctors and therapists without his consent, it is likely that the clerk who processes the request will call the school's lawyer or social worker and ask for advice. Then you might get some help.
Good luck.