15 Things Moms want to say to Stepmoms response

I know others have talked on their blogs regarding this article and yes, I have to add my two cents. I can say that almost nothing in this article pertains to my situation. I loved this response: http://www.thepsychoexwife.com/15-things-stepmoms-not-so-secretly-want-to-say-to-moms/

http://www.ivillage.com/15-things-moms-secretly-want-say-stepmoms-im-happy-you-love-my-child/6-b-258394#258398

I'm Happy That You Love My Child
It’s only natural for a mom to get jealous over a stepmom’s developing bond with her kid. And deep down, I do want to remain the only mom in his eyes. But I love him enough to want him to be surrounded by many people who care for him, too. I thank you for being one more person who thinks he's the best kid on the block -- and for loving him (nearly) as much as I do.

Really, happy are you. So why do you tell your child that I am the reason for the divorce and she doesn’t have to listen to me or her dad. Why do you tell her that if we have a child that child would not be her brother/sister? Why do you lie to her and tell her that her dad doesn’t love her anymore and all the other crap? Why is this all about your feelings and what you want?

I'm Happy That You're Involved

It’s no longer possible for me to be with my kid every moment of every day. But knowing someone else is there to help with school projects and homework gives me a sense of relief. I like knowing that someone else is motivating him to the best he can be. (Hey, if he gets a scholarship to Yale, we’ll both save money!) And it’s great when we’re both there for piano recitals and sporting events. That means the world to him. It’s wonderful that you’re committed and take an interest in his life.

Don’t make me laugh. You tell me I’m not allowed to participate in Parent/Teacher conferences and I shouldn’t show up at competitions and you tell the child that I don’t know anything so I shouldn’t help with homework. I’m the one with the college degree, just because I’m younger then you does not mean I don’t know as much or more then you do. In addition, is hasn’t been that long since I’ve been in school.

Certain Milestones Should Be Reserved for Me

When my daughter turned five, you took her to have her first manicure/pedicure. She felt so grownup and special. But frankly, that moment should have been with me. My kids are growing up fast, and I have rare opportunities for mother/daughter bonding. I know that you may want to replicate your own favorite childhood memories, but this was a huge one. I feel that you stole my chance to create a lasting memory. A better idea? Ask me if a certain milestone activity is important to me first -- and then think about how something seemingly small, like a manicure, could still be really significant

Now why is this comment about how you feel? Isn’t it about what is best for the children? Lets see, I’ve stopped doing things with the child because of your insecurity. We cannot even shop together, as that is something you do with her. When I get my nails done I make sure it is during a time she is with you, just so I don’t have to say no for fear of hurting your feelings. When I took her shopping for her dad’s presents for Christmas you were happy because you didn’t have to spend money, but complained that I took her. You want everything your way, who cares about the kid. Right!?

Discipline: Stick to the Plan

All parents understand that the occasional time-out may be necessary for children. But how and how often you discipline my kid needs to be on my terms. Back when my ex and I became parents, we made a discipline plan and stuck to it. You need to agree to that plan, too. What my ex and I feel is appropriate, is appropriate. P.S. Don’t even think about raising a hand to my child.

Again, it’s all about you. If you would discipline you child and allow the child’s father to discipline her then this wouldn’t be an issue, but you have to be the kid’s best friend and undermine everything her dad tries to teach her. That’s okay, when she is hell on wheels and ends up damaging your house like she did ours you will know who to blame (but of course you will blame us because you are the perfect parent.) As for the plan, you can’t even tell hubby when parent teacher conferences are or when the child goes to the doctor, how the hell do you think you two can come up with a plan?

But I’m Glad That You Set Limits for My Kids

I know that many kids try to use the two-household scenario to their advantage, and I don’t put it past my own kid to use classic lines such as, “You’re not my real mother and I don’t have to listen to you.” But, yes, he does. He is in your house, and I’m raising him to respect adults. As long as discipline doesn’t go beyond what his father and I feel is appropriate (remember: no hitting!), I’m all for rules, limits and standing your ground as a (step) parent.

I’m not even going to touch this one, as you do not appreciate the limits we set for the child and undermine every boundary we set in place.

Even When I Don’t Show Up, I Still Like to Be Invited

When you’re having a party that involves my kids, and you send me an invitation, it truly means a lot to me. It may make me uncomfortable to actually attend, and because of that, I’ll probably decline, but it’s the effort that counts. So keep inviting me. I’ll be happy to do the same for you, and I promise not to take it personally if you choose not to come. Who knows? Maybe one day it won’t feel so awkward.

This one is really funny. We would never invite you and you would never invite us, so no issue. Of course you don’t even tell hubby when the child has something going on, so I guess it’s a non-issue.

Don’t Badmouth Me and I Won’t Badmouth You

Please, please, please do not complain about me or talk negatively about me in front of my children. No matter our relationship, the kids do not need one mom ridiculing the other. It makes them angry, and they usually tell me about it. And because they love us both, they feel caught in the middle. Let’s make a pact: I won’t whisper nasty remarks under my breath about you if you don’t whisper about me. Hate away, but no negative talk about each other in front of the kids!

Since you are not badmouthed in our home how about you do the same in yours. We have tried to teach the child not to talk badly of others, but since it’s okay in your home she thinks it’s okay. How about not bulling people in front of your child and actually disciplining her when you get called by the school and are told she is the #3 bully in the whole school. Since you are a bully and this is how you teach your child I guess we can look forward to the complaints and possible law suits from her bulling, which will go straight to you.

Please Don’t Spoil My Kids

Remember when you gave my son “Guitar Hero” for his birthday? Well, he asked me for it first and I told him no. I get that you may not have realized that, but buying wish list items that I can’t afford or have otherwise refused undermines and embarrasses me. It makes me feel like you’re trying to buy my kids’ affection. So let’s agree to keep spoiling to a minimum by discussing big-ticket purchases in advance. And no, my kid doesn’t need Paris Hilton-style Gucci sunglasses at age 12. Plus, I may actually have said no to it for another reason, like the C she got in Algebra.

Here is another one that is completely opposite. Oh, and since you decided that the last time you and hubby would buy something together to not honor the splitting of the costs, this will never happen again.

I Am Completely Over My Ex

Don’t be insecure about the fact that I’m in your husband’s life. Because we are parents together, we have to communicate. Believe me: I’m not trying to win him back. Good riddance to all his fantasy football and computer poker, and more power to you for dealing with it. He and I are divorced; it’s over. And now, it’s all about parenting.

So how about you stop talking about the times you made love and how good it was and telling hubby that if he ever wants to come back there is a key under the mat for him. Stop telling him how much you love him and how much you miss him and in the next breath telling him you are glad you divorced him as he is controlling and abusive. How about you keep it to parenting?

But I’m Still Licking My Wounds

As much as I’m over my ex, it will take me longer to get over the fact that you started a relationship with him before he was my ex. I also wonder about the morals being taught in your home because of it: How will my children learn not to cheat to lie, knowing that you two did? I know that I need to get over it, and I promise to try, but you should know that it hurt me deeply.

This is so funny. Since you were divorced when we got together but will NEVER believe that I guess it’s just another reason to play the victim and get support and sympathy. Oh, and telling the child that you are “dating” several men at one time and then telling her you are sleeping with them, yes, you provide a good role model when it comes to morals.

I Get Mother’s Day. Period.

Yes, you are a mother and the kids may want to shower you with gifts and treats on Mother’s Day. But as biological mom, I get to spend this day with them. Yes, the entire day. This is when I get to pull this trump card: I carried them for 9 months. I suffered through labor, nursing and midnight feedings. I get Mother’s Day.

Yes you do, so don’t back out on it. And Dad gets Father’s Day, PERIOD!

I’m Not a Moneygrubber

If I call asking for help paying the orthodontist bill or for pricey lacrosse gear, I’m not trying to nickel and dime you. I’m just trying to taking care of our kids. Your husband still has to support his children, including when they are in my custody. Yes, that means you’ll see my name in your checkbook, but remember that that’s what a court has decided.
Yes you are. When you don’t bother to consult the father on the decisions you make regarding spending his money he doesn’t have to split the costs with you. It’s called communication and parenting. If you want to sign the child up for everything under the sun then be prepared to pay for it. A court order is not an open checkbook. Please, take us back to court and tell the judge that you made the decision WITHOUT talking it over with dad and just expect him to pay whatever you want him to pay. Also, there is a 30 day notice for a reason, per the court order. You are not allowed to hold all the bills for doctors and such and then turn them into us and expect payment. Sorry, when the child went into the doctor’s in February do not expect payment for that bill in December. I’m sorry you cannot keep track of your expenses, but that is your problem. Also, hubby is to pay the provider, NOT YOU!!! If you have a problem with that, talk to the judge. This is funny because hubby is to support the child while in your custody, but what about when she is with us? We pay for 100% of her costs and yet you make over $30K with child support more then hubby does.

Please, Put Some Clothes On!

I understand that you and my ex are head over heels for each other. But your heavy petting and running around the house in sexy lingerie is making my kids -- and me -- uncomfortable. I know you’re great at keeping the PDA to a minimum outside the home, so please confine it to the closed-door bedroom when my kids are there. That way, I only have to worry about them asking me uncomfortable questions about the things they see at school, not at their dad’s house.
Why in the world would the fact that hubby and I have sex make anyone uncomfortable except for the fact that you never taught you child to knock on closed doors and she feels it’s perfectly okay to walk in on us doing our heavy petting (having sex once or twice a year is not a normal healthy sex life and now she does have to get use to the fact that her dad and Stepmom have a normal healthy sex life). BTW, if she didn’t go through my drawers she would never know what kind of sexy lingerie I have.

I Hate When You Compare My Child to Yours

We all think our kids are the best, but making my kid feel second-best in your home can hurt her self-esteem and damage her relationship with her father. Sometimes, she says she feels she’s not as good as his “new family.” You’re a parent to my child now, too. Please treat her the same as you treat your own child. And praise her for jobs well done.
Yes, I compare your child to the children (normal children) that I know in my life, and you know what, how can you say in one breath to treat her like the other children but tell me to not treat her like the others. You can’t have it both ways.

There’s No Need to Ignore Me

Sure, lots of bio moms and stepmoms fight, so not speaking to me or avoiding me might seem like a good defense. Like when I call and you just hand the phone to my kids without any pleasantries. But if you’re going to be in my children’s lives, I’d appreciate you making an effort to be in mine. I don’t need anything spectacular. Just smile, be polite and say hello. We may not be friends, but we can be civil.
I don’t need to be in your life just like you don’t need to be in mine. I can be civil, but it also works both ways. You screaming at me in the school hallways is not civil. I am taking my cues from you, if you want a change, then make a change.