Judgements

Hubby and I have been talking a lot about his decision to not force the child to come back to the house and the "advice" and what we feel are the judgments that go along with what people have said. One thing that really stands out to me is the fact that some people have really personalized our situation. People tell us about when their parents kicked them out or moved them to grandparents or the other parent's house and how that made them feel. People have told us about their kids and the other parent walking out of the kid’s life and how the kids feel and how they feel. I have not heard from the parents that made the decision to not force the child to come into the home, a home where they are welcome and the child rejected the home and the parent and what happened. I can say this, I was the child that was kicked out, I was told I had until 5 that day to get everything I wanted out of the house or it was being thrown away. I was the adult-child that had to find somewhere to live and someone to hold on to my box of things when I went into the military. I had just turned 18 and just graduated from high school. I was the honor student that had a full time job. I was also the teenager that didn't want anything to do with dad's new family and new wife, my sister was cool, but she was an adult, but I still did my chores, was respectful when called for, but I rebelled in my own way and my dad wasn't having any of it. My dad did this when I had two weeks before boot camp. He could have waited two weeks, but things being the way they were and he was protecting his marriage, he had a choice to make. It hurt, I'm not going to sit here and say it didn't. But I got over it and when I became an adult and grew up I learned to listen to his side and take his feelings into consideration. We have healed and now have the best relationship I think a father and daughter can have. I was also the child that was left behind by her mother. My mom took off for parts unknown when I was 6 and my brother was 7. This created problems and drama and I wanted NOTHING to do with her when I was growing up. When I became an adult I reached out to family members that kept in contact with her and asked if I could be put in touch with her. I learned her story and we have healed, and we don't have a mother daughter relationship, but we are friends now. I have healed and I have grown up. I can say that when I was 12 my mom wanted back in my life and my dad gave me the choice, let her in or not, I made the choice to not have anything to do with her. I was hurting and did not need that in my life. She understood and left me alone until I contacted her. IT WAS MY CHOICE. No, I wasn't an adult but I knew what I wanted at 12 and I knew what I needed at 12.  Here is a big difference, my dad NEVER said a bad thing about my mom until I grew up and asked him for his side. My mom told me hers, and yes, she said many many bad things about my dad, so I told him these bad things and asked for his side. As an adult he knew I could deal with it and understand that people see things differently. I got two very different stories and I know the truth is somewhere in the middle.
Here hubby and I are, the child wanting to make the choice of not seeing her dad any more until she's ready. We do run the chance of never seeing her again. We run the risk of never hearing from her again. We run the risk of her perception clouding the truth and her believing that dad walked out on her and that his choice was his new family without her. We run the risk of her mom poisoning her mind against her dad that neither one remembers that we gave her a choice, we did not kick her out, we did not tell her not to come back, dad did not walk out on her. Dad did not make the choice, the child did. We also run the risk of TM poisoning her against me even more, telling her I made him kick her out, I poisoned dad against her, and I made her life hell. Yes, BIG HUGE risks. But in holding her tight we also run the risk of the poison leaking into our home and our marriage. It was already happening. We are also in a situation where the child likes to play the victim. NOTHING is her fault; it is always someone else's fault. So yes, we know that more then likely it will be my fault for all of this, even though I am the one who has the least amount of say in the whole situation, I will be the one to blame. Just like I am the one to blame for the divorce between hubby and TM, I am the one to blame for the child's crappy attitude and crappy grades. I am the one to blame for the child's relationship with others. I am the easy target. I guess it's a really good thing I'm secure in my role and my life and feel if you want to blame me, then fine. I didn't break the relationship and I'm not the one who can fix it. I didn't break the marital relationship; I am not the one to fix it. I didn't break the child and I am not the one responsible for fixing her. I guess that's why I'm okay being the evil wicked stepmom, they are words, not who I am inside.