Learning New Habits

Things are super weird for me. After 2 1/2 years of being a stepmom, both officially and unofficially, to not being a stepmom, not due to being divorced, but due to my husband's decision to honor his daughter's choices. To change my own way of thinking about things. I said something to hubby last night and he hugged me, he told me that he loved me because my heart is so big and that he sees that I actually care more about the child then her own parents, or at least that is how it seems to him. I am the only one that really sees the child as a person and not a pawn to be used. I've always been a "little mother", since I was 6 years old. My dad thinks it's pretty funny, I'm what most people call a natural parent but I'm not an official parent. Anyway, I need to get some of the info I got from my SIL yesterday out to I can take it apart and process it.

Yesterday I called SIL to give her an update on what was going on. Basically, TM finally agreed to honor the child's decision to not come back to our house. Of course she wants more money, but she won't get it as she is getting the max allowed by the state and if she really wants to fight us on this we will just say fine, the child comes back to our house and we will go for a reduction (as hubby never got his parenting time credit). But our talk was trying to figure out if what we are doing is going to make a difference in the long run. We can't keep doing what we have been doing and expect a different outcome, insanity anyone! We started talking about nature vs. nurture. So I found out that the child's cousin, the one raised with her (at the time hubby's mom was doing all the day care for the kids and hubby was the primary parent) and the cousin is the complete opposite of the child. Hubby was the strict parent and had consequences and was doing things right, when TM wasn't around because TM didn't agree with his parenting and made sure the child knew this, at one time she actually tried to make hubby go up and take back his punishment and tell the child he was wrong and he was sorry for being strict. So the child was raised, yes disfunctionally, but to the best of hubby's ability. Fast forward to now, hubby let a lot of things go slack, because of his guilt, and the child got out of control. The years of seeing mom treat dad like crap and get what ever she wanted taught her to treat people like crap and you get what ever you want. Hubby started to fight back, with consequences and expectations and the child couldn't handle it. TM was in the background telling her that dad doesn't love her and she shouldn't have to earn anything at dad's, just stop talking to him and make him feel you are angry with him. That all back fired, as hubby has someone standing behind him telling him that he is a good person and doesn't deserve to be treated that way, in addition to counseling. So now he is looking to the future and making decisions based on ways to teach the child her actions have consequences and he won't roll over. He needs to learn new habits. SIL was thinking that TM was raised that way, but started thinking about her older sister and TM's parents, and come to find out that neither TM or the older sister were raised to be the way they are, but they are that way. It seems they got the bad from the parents and not the good, just like the child. SIL laughed and said that if the child had my DNA maybe she wouldn't be the way she is. Just a few thoughts for today.