So I'm going to try to explain what happened, the events that occured, to the best of my knowledge, that led up to the child not coming over any more.
I've been a "stepmom" officially for 1 1/2 years, we officially dated for a year and unofficially dated for about 5 months before that. I came into the picture with the child around March of 2008, 7 months after hubby left TM, the first 5 months was just a hang out period, DH was still officially married, in the process of divorce, so I didn't want to muddy the waters. I took the both of them with me to meet my friends and their kids and we developed a nice little environment. Two years ago hubby had to give up his apartment and move back into the family home because his brother and his brother's friends (who were renting at the time) left and the house needed repairs badly. So we have spent the past two years remodeling this house. Because of all the work we played pretty hard when we had time, and we made time when the child was around. The spring of 09 the child started to display behavior issues, like lying and major rudeness. She was rude and selfish before, but not to this extent. It is normal only child kinds of things, when not checked gets out of hand, but at the time hubby was pretty good about checking her. I wasn't living with hubby, as we were not married yet, so I let most of the crap go, I wasn't around enough. I started to put my foot down about manners and such, basically, if the child didn't have manners and use them I wouldn't be around. The child changed, for the better, and things went well. We got married in the fall and by that winter I was the evil wicked stepmom, why, because I enforced hubby's rules and did not allow disrespect to be shown towards me. It has only gone down hill from there. Hubby stopped enforcing his rules and let the child become more and more disrespectful. She snuck out of the house until 4 AM, she started yelling at hubby, and everything an out of control teenager does. When she was called on it she didn't care, as her mom let her do it at her house and her mom "just got over it."
Some people, me included, think that hubby is a shitty dad, because he didn't control it, but I'm also in the mind of the fact we had the child EOW and had visits during the week, not a lot of time. It would go back and forth, hubby would put his foot down, the child would behave, she would get out of line, hubby didn't see it until it got extreme, he would out his foot down, and around and around we would go.
So the child lost the room we remodeled for her, I blogged about that. DH checked on some of the things she told him, she lied, she doesn't care, and it came down to her telling hubby that she never wants to come over again, he can't force her, her mom can't force her, to bad. As everyone knows, yes the parents can force parenting time and she gets no say. So yesterday we picked her up and I could tell that it wasn't going to work and hubby had already decided that he was okay with letting her go and not forcing visitation. It wasn't a really long talk, but we didn't kick her out, hubby just told her that he won't force visitation and if or when she wants to come back she is more then welcome, with a week's notice, but she will have to follow the rules or he would tell her she was unwelcome. She is not to call for money, hubby will still pay child support, but any of the extras are gone, as she would not have the opportunity to earn it. She is not allowed to come over for birthdays and Christmas only, it's the court parenting time or she doesn't come over, this will not be the house to go to and get presents and have a party. There is a lot for her to think about but I don't think she will. She is just that selfish. When hubby told her twice that he loved her she said nothing. Honestly, I think she just wrote him out of her life until she grows us.
My stepson's disrespect was so bad that we had to kick him out at 17. I carry a lot of guilt about that decision, and I often wonder if we should have tried harder to make it work. I also think my husband feels like a failure at times and that breaks my heart. He tried so hard.
ReplyDeleteI know this rejection has made your husband unhappy and hurt. I hope you three can renegotiate the bedroom situation and find a compromise that makes everyone happy.
My thought on the bedroom situation would have been to tell her that there were several factors in moving the rooms. For one, she isn't there full time. Y'all are and as there are 2 of you, you need the space. I also would have (within reasonable budget) made it an attractive exchange and told her that she got the chance to redecorate her room in a more mature design as she's growing into a young lady. Then I would have addressed the behavior issue and that "just because mom gets over it doesn't mean that it's an acceptable behavior".
ReplyDeleteI know that my kids dad walked away. He thought (or maybe still thinks) that when they "grow up" , they'll come back to him to reestablish a relationship. It's not happening and the kids have shown no interest at all in going there. I think that she's the child. Hubby is the adult and should force the issue. So what? She's mad. She can get glad in the same pants she got mad in. You know, if mom and dad were still together the kid wouldn't get the choice to be a brat and cut dad out just because she doesn't like his rules. Just because dad isn't with mom any more doesn't negate his duties as a parent to raise his child.
maybe some therapy is in order - even if it doesn't help the child - it will help later so she can see Dad didn't give up on her...just an idea
ReplyDeleteMrs. Wayne, what we did was respect her choice not to come over any more. We didn't tell her that she wasn't welcome at our house. Hubby had had enough and decided that he was fine with not forcing her to come over if she didn't want to, to give everyone a break. We have been fighting this battle together for over 2 years and he has been fighting it for 3 years.
ReplyDeleteAmy, having a talk with her doesn't work, she doesn't listen and she doesn't care to hear what hubby has to say. Hubby is not walking away, he has told her that he still wants a relationship but he won't fight her for it. One other thing, no, in an intact family she would not be able to do this and hubby would not be able to do this, but we woule be able to make the consequences of her actions stick, she would not be able to go to mom's and hide from the consequences.
cassee01, we have been in and out of therapy for 2 years and hubby and I are back in, the child doesn't participate and just sits there when we force her to go.
I guess something to understand is the fact the school counselors said something that concerned them is the fact that the child shows no empathy or compassion. She enjoys bulling kids because it makes her powerful. She doesn't care that she hurts others, just when others hurt her. She was rated as the third highest bully in her class, something she and TM do not care about, but something hubby tries to change, with no difference.